It's Okay || l.h [completed]

Letter Eleven

Dear reader,

It's only now that I realise I need those three idiots. They were my dry land, but I'm slipping under the waves, I'm being pulled over and I need them to help me resurface.

If I could just reach the shore, I would be able to breathe again, but I can't, and I'm doomed to drown. I'm already slowly going insane.

It's been two months since the band broke up. When we announced it, the whole 5sosfam exploded. They went up in flames. The things they said, and the people they accused, made me cry in front of my laptop for a whole night. I knew we were letting them down, and they deserved better idols than us.

I blame myself, and I know Michael, Cal and Ash blame me too. It was all my fault. I can't believe I was the one who broke the band up, when I was the one who started the band as well. I was the start and the end of 5 Seconds of Summer.

But that's not all.

Now I've been left alone with my thoughts, I can truly listen to them. I can look back on them, and realise all I did wrong.

First of all, something I never told you, I treated Hannah really badly back in high school. I kind of liked her back then, and because I liked her I thought I should treat her badly just to get her attention. I would trip her up in the hallways, kick her books across the floor, and pull her stupid pigtails so I almost pulled her hair out.

What a stupid idiot I was...

Second, I told mum that she shouldn't go to the hospital that day she thought she was ill. That might have made all the difference. She could have lived if it wasn't for me. I thought that if it was only because she 'didn't feel one hundred percent' she would be fine. I didn't think it was serious. To be fair, neither did she, but that day she could have saved her own life.

Third, I broke Hannah and Michael up when they had finally found another person who would treat them right, and who loved them back. They were in love. The day after they broke up, I found a ring on top of Michael's dresser. He had had their initial's engraved in it. It was an eternity ring, and I knew he was planning to propose when they were older as well. I broke a potential husband and wife up. I could have been the uncle of their future kids, but instead I was selfish and broke them up so I wouldn't be the only one in pain.

I didn't want to be alone, but here I am, sitting on my own in an apartment, far away from my only friends who are still talking to each other every day.

And lastly, I wasn't there when my mother died. Again, because I was the most selfish person in the world. I didn't want to be in pain anymore, but that didn't work out either.

I am so scared. I don't want to mess up anymore, not that I am able to. My heart feels like it's been ripped in two. Over the time it has taken to write my diary and these eleven letters, my heart had managed to be ground into millions of little pieces, distributed between the many parts of my life that have been destroyed.

People always say that we just have to go on when our lives get messed up, but what if my life has been messed up so much that I am not able to wade through it, I can't go on. There's no way I can get through this mess.

Please reader, if you're reading this, call me, tell me that it's okay.

From Luke