I'll Never Finish This Book

TWENTY

December 25:

We parked in front of the house where we would be attending a Christmas party. It's important to note that we weren't invited to this party, but Eli saw a post about it in a Facebook group for accountants.

I watched him unwrap the toy camera I got for him. One of my former students left behind the first week I began working at Stella's. The shutter button was sticky.

"This is perfect. Thank you, El." His smile was radiating.

"You're welcome." I smiled, satisfied.

He reached over to the glove compartment and handed me my gift wrapped with fast-food napkins.

I slid the napkins off."A...Spice Girls t-shirt?"

"My favorite Christmas themed Spice Girls t-shirt," he corrected, "I would always sleep in that shirt when I was younger. Still do sometimes," he smiled nostalgically. "Now it's yours," he shared proudly.

"I'm...honored." I couldn't help but laugh.

"Now, smile. I wanna take a picture of you with the shirt." I forced a smile while he took a pretend picture of me with the toy camera. He cringed. "Ew, the button is sticky."

I shrugged innocently.

"Put the shirt on," he directed.

I stopped mid-laugh when I realized he was serious.

"Oh, you're for real?"

He continued to look at me pleadingly.

"There's no way I'm putting this on, Eli."

It was amazing how every life choice I made led me up to that exact moment. I was standing at a boring Christmas party with my back rested against a wall, eating a bland snowman cookie, listening to dull Christmas music, while dressed in blue jeans and an oversized Spice Girls Christmas t-shirt.

I looked idly at everyone in the room. There were too many math-related Christmas sweaters than I was comfortable with. I wondered what they were talking about; their obnoxious laughter hurt my ears. There was no way they could all have been that happy.

I also stared at Eli for a while. He looked at me differently that night. His smile made me lose the feeling in my legs. His smile made me forget how to think straight. He made me happier than I had ever been, euphoric even. He made me sadder than I had ever been. The realization that I would never be his killed me. I couldn't stand knowing that he'd never be mine.

I drank too much that night. It wasn't to the point of unconsciousness, but to where I felt comfortable being myself around a room of strangers- maybe a bit too comfortable. I sang karaoke duets with Eli- several of them. He was thrilled.

At first, it started off with us mumbling a few lyrics. No one paid us any attention. I was thankful for that. Something changed in me the more we sang. I felt like we were at that wedding again, where I craved the attention of everyone in the room.

We sang with feigned confidence, where we knew we sounded terrible but didn't care. No one else seemed to mind it either. We sang at the top of our lungs. Eli twirled me around several times; my balance was surprisingly good- I think.

After a few songs, we had the entire room singing along. It was incredible how Eli always made others feel comfortable. People who hadn't spoken before were dancing together. He had the same effect on me. I loved how he made me into a better version of myself and how he could make me into someone who no longer minded all the attention.

I previously expressed my gratitude for his role in turning me into a better version of myself. That upset him. He told me it was in me along and that he was merely a suggestion. He didn't want any credit and kept telling me how much he loved my ability to grow.