Selene

56 | Lupine

Selene had tried to end the nightmares; that much she remembered as she felt the wall softly, her fingertips brushing her new dream. Permanently. It had not worked, and she didn't know whether to be glad or disappointed. But nevertheless, she dreamed, and she dreamed of Winter that evening.

It was the most vivid dream yet— she felt everything in the most sensitive detail. The air felt harsh against her skin as she walked. She could feel every thread of her ruined gown, scratched and torn from the claws of wolves and singed at the hems from flames. She could have heard a pin drop, felt a petal flutter to the ground; the colours of Artemisia Palace were so much brighter than usual, and so much greyer at the same time.

The menagerie was a formidable assault on the senses, lush plants curling around the corners and walls of the room, sounds of tropical birds and wild cats and snakes crashing against Selene's ears like waves of ocean water. As she walked she trailed her fingers across the metal bars of an empty cage, the steel cool to the touch of her one flesh hand. Selene stopped in her tracks beside the white wolf's cage. She was surprised, and it was expected; somehow, she had known what she would see here.

Ryu the white wolf was curled up in the lap of Winter, who scratched behind his ears and buried her hands in his fur. Her thaumaturge robes were nowhere to be seen— instead, Winter wore a simple white shirt and trousers, her face unblemished by makeup and her scar prominent and lonely on her cheek. She looked more beautiful than ever.

"What are you doing here?" Selene's voice rang clear in her ears and echoed around the menagerie, overpowering even the cacophony the animals made. Winter looked up, her hand in the act of scratching behind the wolf's ear when it paused.

"What am I doing here?" Winter repeated, running three fingers over her scarred cheek. "What am I doing here? I'd guess... I'm trapped."

Winter's voice, sometimes soft and gentle and as lovely as her face, sometimes as hard and impassioned as Luna's true surface, was leveled. Selene had never heard it so cold. So unaffected.

Selene walked up to the cage and gripped the bars with both of her hands. "Where's the exit? How can I get you out?"

"You can't," Winter said simply, turning her gaze back to Ryu, who wriggled and rolled over for attention. She didn't touch him. "I'm trapped, I said."

It didn't sound like Winter, but it was unmistakably her. Her mannerisms were the same. The look on her face, years of practice worn deep into the lines and features of her countenance. She was thinking, as you could always tell she was. Selene curled her fingers around a bar of the cage.

Winter slowly began to pet the wolf again, her coiled hair masking her face from Selene. "You know," she said softly, "I remember a day long ago. I was seven years old. There was a woman on a balcony in the palace, a maid. She was going to kill herself. Do you remember?"

Selene paused for a moment, and then shook her head no, sinking to her knees beside the cage, her arm linked in one of the bars. "I was five?"

"Yes, you were five years old. And you talked me out of it." Winter ran her hands along the wolf's fur, in gentle, mechanical motions. "I was going to save her. It's one of my earliest memories, you know. I was going to save her, and you talked me out of it. You said, 'Aimery was hitting her, Winter,' and you told me that if the woman wanted to die, I shouldn't try to stop her. And I listened to you, so easily. There was something about you that made people listen."

Selene knit her brow, as soggy memories swirled around her head. "I don't remember."

Winter ignored her. "It was the wrong decision. I may not look it, but I think about it every day. How I made a fatal mistake that day. I may not have saved her, even if I had manipulated her away from the edge— she might have found another way. But I feel so unbelievably wretched. How am I supposed to think what I do is right if I didn't try to help a woman in despair, on the brink of a deed you can't reverse?"

Selene swallowed a lump. "You were a child," she said.

"You were a child too, Selene." And Winter's eyes bored into Selene's and Selene knew she wasn't talking about that suicide, so long ago. Her heart sank.

How long had it been since they had sat together in this very room, on the very bench behind her? How long since Selene had blamed herself, and Winter had said words then that were so different from the ones this facsimile of hers spoke now? How long ago was it that she had felt any sort of comfort? Selene couldn't keep track. She had lost count of the days, hours of nightmares. But she remembered that dim day. Right before she had been attacked. Right before she had to flee. Eyes everywhere. Red hot, boring into her skull, into her back. Even Winter's eyes.

Selene buried her face in her hands. On Earth, Winter. On Luna, Winter. When had she started to change, on Earth? When had she started to leave Winter behind? She remembered that day, after she had escaped to the market in the Eastern Commonwealth. She remembered. Never before had she felt she couldn't trust Winter.

Selene squeezed her eyes shut, trying to quell the swelling in her chest.

"I'm not like you, Selene." Winter hugged Ryu around the neck. "Is that what you think? I used to be gentle, and sensitive. Not anymore. Right?"

Selene was the one who had changed Winter. She sat back onto her heels and pushed down each wave of guilt. And Winter was trapped. She was trapped, and Selene couldn't do anything.

"Are you trapped, Selene?"

Winter's voice was soft all of a sudden, and Selene slowly looked up from her hands.

"You're not in the cage. You're in the menagerie. It's big, but there's a way out. I can't get out, Selene. You can leave whenever you like. What's keeping you here?"

Selene whimpered once and grabbed the bars of the cage, blood and snarling, gnashing teeth and crystalline floors smashing into each other inside her head. "Winter, I can't go back out there. I can't. I can't go back into the palace. I'm going to get killed."

Winter held Ryu to her chest, the wolf wagging his tail. She stared at Selene. "Remember, Selene, it's all in your head."