Poisoned Thoughts

I sipped your poison laced water, danced to your every tune, followed your every demand.

Be Smart. Be. Strong. Be Extraordinary.
Be. Fucking. Happy.

It's not that hard.

Water the plants and watch them grow.

Water. The. Plants. That's all they need!

A mind in a body, laced with poisoned water, pumping through its veins. My veins.

A mind fixated on wanting the pain to be done. Constantly waiting for it to be over.

The world fucking shoves happiness down my throat as though it's the only way I can grow, the only way the pain will stop.

In a parking lot in the middle of nowhere, crying your ass off. The poisoned water burning your eyes. Your body and mind fighting.

You want to be gone.

You've been watered, but not enough.

Your mind has been crafted with the art to make you feel like shit.

You don't know how you want to be gone, but you just know that everything is too much.

Like a ticking time bomb I carried my lifeless body back to my cold bed.

Empty, I laid there. Just, laid there.

For the first time you acknowledge that your life fucking sucks.

I don't know who I am. I don't know why I am here.

I have been cut from the heart of two different worlds and plastered together and I still feel fucking lost.

You would think it would be easy to fit in, find a purpose. But it's not.

Your constantly in a loop, not 100% fitting into your Middle Eastern side nor 100% fitting into your American side.

I learned that happiness is not derived from others, that happiness comes from me, and I didn't have it.

I start to do things that make me happy.

Looking for my purpose, looking for who I am.

Acknowledging the negatives in my life, learning my toxic traits. I start dancing to my own tune.

I chop my hair, let my curls live.

I get those bangs I wanted but didn't know if they looked good on me.

I realized that I am beautiful as I am.

The idea of straight, well kept hair is a way for society to keep me locked up.

I start to care for my skin, get my first cat.

That feeling of helplessness starts to slip away.

I water my own plant, care for it, take the weeds out, let the sunshine in.

That's! when I start to grow. It was never as simple as just water the plants.

Its so easy to see the negatives in the world and in people when I didn't love myself first.

Happiness and love are not things to be searched for in others. They are worked towards and must be maintained the same way the innocents of a child is protected.

I sipped your poisoned water and danced to your every tune, but that wasn't enough to get me.

I am not a caged bird, I learned to fly on my own.

Throw all the rocks that you can, drown me with your poison.

I'm a fucking warrior. 22 years you played tricks with me. Well ... I choose the Fucking. Treat. Now.

My name is Jasmine, and I am a survivor of mental illness.