sugawara x reader || never alone

Chapter 22: Blocked Out - Training Camp Part 4

The match was interesting. Sugawara's talent was outstanding and you wanted to be able to understand your team the same way he did. But it seemed like you were on the path to becoming another wing spiker, instead. You only played the first half, and everything seemed relatively compatible. You missed a couple of spikes but amazed the opposing team with your strategies and tactics despite your lack of strength. However, you couldn't last too long and there's a point where the other team was able to stop your scoring. Your team won this time, since they subbed Kageyama and Hinata with their new quick in during the second half.

You cringed when a few of the guys decided to "victory dance".

But even with the win, you weren't satisfied. It only took one set for them to be able to stop your weak spikes.

"Agh, I'm so sorry," You apologized to the team. "I-I don't know what happened. I have to practice more. I got tired, I started getting distracted, and my thoughts strayed from volleyball. I shouldn't have-"

"(Y/n), so you're saying that you never think of anything but volleyball when you're playing?" Daichi asked, amused. You pressed your lips together in search of a response.

"I mean, what's the point? Thinking like how I normally do, but during volleyball would be a lost cause."

"Even during practice?" Hinata chimed in. You nodded. Was that abnormal? "But don't you have a bunch of family stuff going on? Doesn't that restrict you? Even a little?"

"Don't say things like that, it's rude!" Daichi scolded. You racked your brain for an appropriate response. In truth, everything that was going on at home would have torn you apart. But you stayed composed. What else could you do?

"Ah, it's fine. I like to keep things separate. There's no point in letting my home life affect anything else anymore. I made that mistake often. But like I said. There's no point. My emotions towards my family have nothing to do with this, and never had anything to do with my other emotions," You stated simply. Was that really true? However, this question was starting to confuse you. Did you really keep things separate? What about when you cried over Akaashi during school? Or when you uncontrollably sobbed whenever something relevant occurred? No, no, those were appropriate reactions. You pushed those thoughts away and concluded you wouldn't do it again. One more thought clouded your mind.

Could my emotional outbursts be a result of what happens after I bottle thoughts for so long?

No.

Emotions restrict you.

Nobody needs to hear them, not even yourself.

Block out the thoughts, block them out.

You smiled at the team, who was eyeing you with concern. "I know what you're all thinking. I'm fine."

And you carried on with your day.

That night, you were too tired to even think. You basically just ate, took a bath, changed, and slept. You paid no attention to the fact that all of the boys had gone into some "late-night-studying" for upcoming matches. Apparently one of the managers had found some old tapes of volleyball plays. Normally, you'd be all for some extra practice, but for some reason, you just needed a break from your own mind.

You were smart enough to understand how jittery you became near a certain third year and you were experienced enough to know how to avoid it.

Volleyball, and volleyball only.

Even so, those thoughts were enough to cause an unintentional magnet.

You knew this well.

You'd admit it, but it wouldn't allow you to think about it any more in-depth.

You realized your thoughts were spiraling and quickly shut them down.

It's not like it matters in any place but my head, anyways...

"Sugawara-san!" You called from across the room. Long ago, you determined that what had happened yesterday morning was not relevant to volleyball, and freely consulted him as if nothing had ever happened.

You had about an hour before practice matches would start, so you'd have to be quick.

You had to focus.

You had no other choice. Volleyball mattered more.

The setter turned his head towards you and you felt excitement rush through your body.

Only because of practice.

You were not going to let your emotions take the wheel.

"Hey, (Y/n)," He looked up from whatever he was doing and patted the spot beside him.

Suddenly, your eager side took over.

"Suga! We need to work things out! We need to find a way to get into the starting lineup! We have to! I really like playing in real games. It's like... nothing else matters! Everything fades away! I love the feeling so much, I-" You stopped rambling and watched his amused expression.

"You know, (Y/n), you're really starting to sound a lot like Hinata..." Sugawara smiled. You clasped your fingers nervously and swayed on your feet.

Then you froze.

It's just volleyball.

You steadied your mind before speaking and knelt beside him.

"What I mean is... I want to learn some sort of attack that can help our team in the starting lineup, too," You said. You did not know how to properly word your words. Your words were all muddled together and you were the only one that could blow the haze away. "I... I think we should find a way... to score points, too. Right now, our attack is kind of powerless. We need something that'll make us stand out. To stand out, and beat the first years."

He chuckled at your determination.

"I see."

Sugawara seemed to know what you were getting at.

"We don't necessarily need to beat them or replace them," You stated thoughtfully. "We just have to be able to play no matter the circumstance."

There was a minute of silence between you two before Sugawara had an idea.

"Think about this," He pulled a sheet of paper and a pencil out of his bag beside him. "Kageyama and Hinata are in the starting lineup because of what they can make out of each other's skill. Kageyama has the analytical talent to aim the ball and matches perfectly to Hinata's blind trust and raw athletic ability."

You watched as he sketched circles and a rectangle to show the players and net in a match.

"The main problem is that there is no spike that can't be stopped. Like Seijoh, there's bound to be a team that figures out how to get their quick under control without blocking. All they'd really have to do is, like Nekoma, restrict his area of movement using the blockers and leading the ball straight to their libero. If we wanted to be in the starting lineup, we'd need to be able to shake blockers and dynamic defenses off."
"Suga, I love where this is going, but I have no intention of replacing Hinata-kun and Kageyama-kun if they can score the points, remember? That's like sabotage to the team," You pointed out. You were all for playing in real matches, but never at the expense of someone else.

"I'm not saying we'd replace them. We'd be like the secondary defense. Another way to hold up our offense. Like our synchronized attack, we can't have only one way to score points. Flexibility is good," He replied simply. Sugawara thought a bit longer. He knew it'd be difficult with what he was proposing. Not just physically. Mentally, too. "Remember the video we watched during camp that one night? The one with the old tape? It had a move that nobody really figured out how to play the same. You didn't want to watch, and I know why, but it was extremely helpful."

You exhaled shakily and gripped the sides of your shirt to ease your nerves. You knew what he was going to say.

"To put it simply. I think you'd have to perfect the spike-float."

You shut your eyes and opened them again, watching your vision fade from black to normal. You had to keep your life and volleyball separate. You had to keep your thoughts and emotions blocked off.

It was volleyball, nothing more.

"Okay."