Siege - Sci-Fi (M/M)

16. Let's talk it over

Izander

 What am I doing? Everything with Jaxenayo is perfect - I am most definitely homosexual. But what am I playing at? I can't do this, jeopardising my career and his. If we were to be caught, there would be serious punishment and I don't think I can do that to him.

I try to keep things as distant as possible between the two of us, just meeting him to fulfil our pleasure needs. I refrain from talking about my feelings and keep conversation to a minimum, around the ship or in private. If he were to know exactly how I felt about him, then we may just be in trouble.

I love him, there is no confusion over that. But he obviously won't love me, I am probably just fun to him. And if he finds out I love him, well he will just call the whole thing off because it would make things very serious indeed, and the risk for him would just be too much.

I don't think he has noticed anything, if he has he isn't saying anything to me, but then again, Secaro aren't all to personal at any moment in time so it is hard to judge. I wish I could just have a moment inside his head to know and understand him, but I would never misuse our trust of one another and intrude like that. We refrain from telepathy when possible, and stick to the telepathic thoughts at hand (nothing else).

Our next private meeting is at the port in a few days, and the worry I always carry around is still prominant. Each time we meet, I am worried I will just spill out all my feelings and ruin everything we have. That is the last thing I want to do, but I think part of me would be relieved because it is a huge burden.

The time for landing has approached, and my nerves eat away at me more-so than usual. A delay with an asteroid belt meant that we were not on shift during landing like usual, something which I am more than grateful for. Just one touch from him could have had me over the edge and crash-landing the ship out of panic.

I contemplate not turning up at the hotel this time, but I know that this could make things a whole lot worse. It would raise questions for him, questions I am not yet ready to give the answers to. I would have to explain why I didn't show and tell him my worries - also having to explain I love him and this will ruin everything between us.

We finally land and I wait a while before leaving the ship. Usually I show up first, then he does 10 minutes later, but today I am too nervous and need time to calm myself down. I know he will wait around for me so there is no rush.

20 minutes later than normal, I leave and head over to meet him. The nerves have not gone and I am serious risk of spilling everything to him. I take a few deep breaths before entering the place and this seems to relieve the tension somewhat.

When I make it to the room, I half expect Jax to pull me in and take me there and then, but he is lying around on the bed looking bored. He looks up to the entrance, 'Hey, I was worried about you - come here'. It comes out so casually, I'm a momentarily surprised.

He motions to the side of him on the bed. Cautiously, I make my way to him - wondering what the catch is. Does he know? Has he accidentally latched on to me telepathically? I join him on the bed, and decide to leave it to him to say the next thing - I don't think my voice would come out even if I tried.

 We lie there in silence for some time, staring up at the ceiling. I can tell things are about to get real and I don't know whether I want that to happen just yet. I focus on our breathing, noting the rise and fall of my chest and his. It is starting to sync up as our breaths get bigger and longer. I know why mine are, but why is his?

Suddenly, Jax pauses and this catches me off guard. I turn my head to face him - staring deeply into those beautiful eyes. He seems to be searching my face for something, but I don't have long to ponder what that may be before he grabs my face with his hands and kisses me.

This isn't like it usually is. We mostly fuel ourselves with passion and hunger for one another, sometimes not having met up in a week or two. But this, this was slow and purposeful - I'd like to say full of feelings but we all know Secaro don't do feelings. I have to stop this before I read into it too much.

I drag myself away and Jax looks worried. 'Sorry.' is all I can muster.

'Oh. You don't want to do this anymore?' He responds.

What should I tell him? Part of me wants to tell him yes, maybe then all this confusion could go away. Maybe then, I won't feel unrequited love and it won't hurt so much when I realise we could never be together in the open - or when I realise he will never love me...

'You do not trust me.' This came out as more or a statement than a question. Did I trust him? Honestly, and bizarrely enough, I think I did. Even though his kind aren't the sharing type, I would trust him with my life. But I couldn't form the words to respond so I just looked back at him, blankly.

The silence was deafening, but I couldn't just leave things like this, so I did the only thing that popped into my head and I kissed him. I could feel tears starting to prick up in my eyes, knowing this could be it and I would never be alone with him again. Why couldn't I just tell him the truth?

I caressed his cheek with one of my hands, using the other to prop myself up over the top of him. I used my mouth to open his widely and practically ate his whole mouth. This was desperate and needy yet wishful and honest. I needed him so badly and would happily have him in my life like this without him ever having to care about me, so why did I have to mess it up?

I thought that if I could keep us distracted, make him believe this as a goodbye, then he wouldn't notice the tears streaming down my face. I could taste the salty liquid on my lips but I ignore it and hope he doesn't notice. I just want this to keep going as long as it possibly can, making sure I get as much of him as I can before we part ways for good.

Pulling him closer to me by the back of his head and waist, I roll us over so he is now resting over me. I don't care about dominance or anything right now, I just want him close to me. There is no grinding or rubbing of any sort (which is completely unlike him) so I gather that he understands what this is - a parting of ways.

I can feel a hand running up and down my arm in a somewhat reassuring way, as if to say sorry for not being able to love me. This makes me feel even sadder and my eyes leak once more, but as I am underneath, they won't make their way into our kiss this time thank god.

I'm feeling really selfish right now and if it is our last moment alone, then I want to make the most of it. I pull myself as close as I can, entwining out legs in the process. My hands are encasing his head and we begin to move onto our sides, rolling around slightly - not for dominance but for need.

I find myself back underneath him once more as our lips seem to fuse together our our tongues are set with a fiery passion. Did I want this to go further, just this one last time?

I contemplate stopping whatever this moment is, because if the sex is anything like the kiss then I will be at serious danger of falling into the rabbit hole and never coming out. Maybe I just don't care anymore about loving him, because moments like this make it worthwhile.

I'm about to go all in and never return when I can taste tears once more. That's funny - I didn't feel particularly sad at this moment in time so why was I crying again? If anything I was happy and I wasn't much of a happy crier...

I am about to accept that Jax has turned me into a big softy and just go with it when everything stops. It wasn't me - I am practically fused to the bed and couldn't move away if I tried. It was Jax.

I take a moment to breath before I open my eyes and finally look at him and face the music - has he finally noticed my emotions? I think I was about to be asked what was going on and I had to prepare myself to give him the truth.

Very slowly, I allow my eyes to open and I look at him.

Wait, was he...? Are those? 'Jax, have you, I mean is it even possible? Have you been crying?'

'Izander, there are things... I can't say. I mean, I know stuff. You can't know. But I want you to. But I can't. I mean, I shouldn't be saying this, so I won't. Can I?'

'Whoa, slow down. What are you on about?' Now he had me completely confused.

'We need to talk.'