Dear Estella,

36. the flood

"I can't talk right now," I say as I grab my backpack from his hand and unzip it, taking my house key out of the small front pocket.

"Estella. Please."

I shake my head, unlocking the door. "No, leave me alone. I'm serious, Asher."

He stands outside the threshold as I step inside of the empty house. Before I shut the door, I feel the need to ask him one question— one that's been stuck in my head since he brought up the Halloween party.

"Did Devin tell you?" I ask. "About what happened with Jacob."

He licks his lips. "Estella, look—"

"Just answer the question."

He nods slowly. "I didn't let her go to first period until she told me the truth. She didn't tell me who, but I put two and two together."

Self-reminder: never tell Devin anything.

"I knew," he continues. "The night it happened, I fucking knew that there was something up, and I ignored my gut. And I'm so pissed with myself cause I could have done something. I should have done something."

I shake my head. "You couldn't have known, Asher."

"But I did," he replies, furrowing his eyebrows. "I knew because you're a shitty liar and the second you cracked your fingers I knew you weren't telling me the truth. And I shouldn't have let you get away with it." He takes a couple of steps forward. "Estella, why couldn't you just tell me the fucking truth? I could have done something."

"What, like threaten to kill him?" I ask in disbelief. "Like, and I quote, beat his ass until he can't breathe?" I continue. "I didn't tell you because I didn't need to tell you, Asher. I had it handled. I was fine."

"Really?" He counters. "You were fine, Estella? You were fine after he fucking—"

"He didn't do anything." I cut him off before he can use the term as loosely as he has been throughout the evening. "I got out before he could do anything. So yes, Asher, I was fine. And I didn't need you to come to my rescue. I'm not as weak as you think I am."

I know how Asher and everyone else I'm friends with see me. They think I'm weak. They don't believe I can handle anything myself, and it angers me. I hate knowing that's the way they see me.

Just like cotton candy. It's made of pure sugar that you can rip apart without even trying. It dissolves in your mouth like it never existed in the first place. It's so weak that you can step on it and watch it fall apart underneath your foot. That's how Asher sees me. It's how Aaron sees me, and even though Devin told me I'm stronger than I think I am, it's the way she sees me, too.

I try to shut the door on him, ending our back-and-forth debate that I've realized is a waste of time. It's no use. We'll never see eye-to-eye anyway.

But he places his hand firmly on the door before I can close it. "So much for caring."

I furrow my eyebrows, trying to recall what he's referring to. Then I remember the day he showed up only ten minutes before physics class ended. He was in a strange mood, and I wanted to comfort him. But instead, I basically told him to get his act together.

Prove that you care, I told him.

"Asher." I sigh.

"I don't get it, Estella." His voice is full of confusion, defeat.

I take a deep breath. "When I said that, Asher— I... I didn't mean that you have to put yourself in danger to show you care. And I meant care in general, not about... anyone in specific." I shake my head. "And there are other ways to show—"