HONESTLY

Misunderstood

Nate paused for a second, then he smirked and laughed a bit, "You guys really don't have a clue, do you?"

His facial expressions were the same as when I stared across the field while I was under the bleachers. At that time, I believed he was enjoying the limelight, but the uncut version confused me, because he seemed like a guy who wasn't taking any crap from them.

He continued, "Not to offend anyone, but you should do a better job at investigating a story, instead of creating a fake one. If you did that, then you'd know," he paused, "we were friends many years ago. You know the song, Honestly? That's about me," he said.

The video I saw previously didn't include all of his words, which made him appear sort of callous and self-motivating when in actuality his sentences were taken out of context. He continued, "You would've found that out if you weren't so busy ruining Nicky's career."

After his speech, he smiled, like he was proud of what he just accomplished, flashing his dimple for all to see. This was not the first time I saw that expression, because I was there. I saw this exchange live and in person from afar under the bleachers right before Nate locked eyes with me.

The video abruptly ended. Nate's confused face sat frozen on the screen in front of me. I stared at his image for a long time.

Finally, I sat back, placing my face in my hands trying to absorb what I had just watched. I shook my head back and forth, swearing inside at how messed up this whole situation had become. I had to be honest, I felt torn. The video was edited for the tabloids benefit, and I admit, I misinterpreted some things from that day across the field.

Yet, one fact remained. Like Lily said, the video didn't change the bigger picture. Nate Stanton was the one who made the phone call to the tabloids. That fact was double and triple checked by Lily, just to make absolute sure we had hard proof that it was definitely him.

With that sobering thought, I slowly closed my laptop. Nate disappeared from the screen as quick as he disappeared from my life. I decided I wasn't playing his games, whatever those might be. He never tried contacting me again after I told him I never wanted to see him again. He accepted the fact that he got caught and that we were over.

I stayed up most of the night with my guitar and notebook, trying to forget the noise in my head and refocus my energy on the heart of the lyrics.

Finally, I fell into a rhythm, embracing the much-needed distraction as I focused solely on the melody.

The song took me two days to finish.

The only way I felt comfortable addressing my fans was to go back where it all started. I decided I would respond live on YouTube.

Like the tabloids did with the salacious articles about me, I posted all over social media, hyping my live public response to all my fans. I encouraged all to watch, even the haters.

Lily, the queen of publicity, couldn't hold back her feelings about the whole video presentation. She reiterated, more times than I could count, the obvious downfalls of doing an event like that. It was LIVE and there would no turning back, period.

I understood the risks and believed in my heart I was doing the right thing for me, my career, and my fans. I wasn't going to kid myself, my heart was still completely broken. It did cross my mind that things could spiral out of control if I didn't keep my emotions in check.

I decided the best thing to do was to have no plan. That wasn't to say my words were not written down, but the way I delivered them would be authentic and true to myself, trying to show strength and courage in a tough situation. If my emotions surfaced, so be it. That was not a sign of being weak, I was just being real.

I set up my computer in the living room and made sure the shot was right. It was just me, in ripped jeans, a white t-shirt, and cowboy boots, sitting with my guitar.

The countdown to the live stream had started and panic settled in. Lily wasn't there to give me a pep talk, and I wasn't sure my breathing technique would touch the anxiety built up inside me. Then, all of a sudden, a sense of calm fell over me. The thought of my mother popped in my head, and I instantly felt her in the room. My nerves slowly faded, and I was back on track.

When I finally live streamed, I placed my guitar on my lap and looked straight at the camera. The only thing left was to try to speak sincerely from my heart. 

"I, Nicky Peters, began this journey living in a small town with nothing but my guitar and a family who loved me. I'm thankful to everyone who supported me, especially my awesome fans who accepted me for who I was, even when things got rough. As you can see, I'm back sitting in my living room, just me and my guitar. It's always been about the music."

I paused for a second, taking a deep breath in and out before I continued.

"I'm not a celebrity, and I'm definitely not that girl you've read about. I should've been honest and told the truth, instead of being afraid the truth wasn't enough."

I continued speaking, covering the major topics, like the gossip and innuendo. I also explained everything about Reed, Nate, and the song. I tried being honest about all of it.

Then, I glanced down at my guitar, unable to make eye contact with the camera. I had reached the most dreaded part of the speech. I took a breath, refocused my attention on the camera, and began to speak softly.

"You see, I gave my heart away a long time ago to someone who I thought I could trust. I thought we had a second chance. But as you all know, that didn't turn out so well for me".

I secretly choked back my emotions.

"I'm twenty-two, still trying to figure it all out. Love it or hate it, this is who I am."

I stared straight at the camera, hoping to connect with the fans who were watching.

Then, I placed my hands on the guitar.

"Sometimes you have to go back before you go forward. I'm here in my living room, just me and my guitar, about to share a new song with you all."

I lightly strummed the guitar as I closed my eyes, letting my emotions flow through my fingers and out of my body as I sang from my heart.

The truth is I'm just a girl

Who lost her mama

The pain runs deep in the soul

I'm not sorry for being me

I could've loved anyone

The lies still break my heart

Learned a lesson I'll never forget

I'm not sorry for being me

Bright lights surrounded me

It was always about the music

I needed to quiet the noise

I'm not sorry for being me

Hate in their eyes

Innocent no more

Too much, too soon

I'm not sorry for being me

Lessons I learned

Mistakes I made

I'm not sorry for being me

I'm not sorry for being me

After I finished the song, I stopped the video and sat in silence. The only thing left to do was wait.