hot chocolate ; lrh

roses

the car ride was dead. fucking. silent. calum, the boy, well man now, i used to know driving, and holly is rubbing my back slowly to get me to calm down. it was a weird event in my life. even though i didn't want to, i broke the silence.

"i'm sorry for throwing up and like basically ruining your night," i muttered lowly.

holly clicked her teeth. "it's okay, i'm just very confused, how come i didn't know about like anything you're about to tell me?" she quizzed, wondering why i never told her anything, which was valid.

"i didn't want to relive it. and i didn't think it was important, i'm sorry holls. if you're mad at me i understand." she looked down at the car floor, and looked out the window.

"not mad. just confused and slightly hurt, but we'll figure it out." she gave me a classic, gorgeous, holly bridges smile. cal spoke up now, after the ladies had their moment.

"sorry lia, should've got you out of there the moment i saw your face, that wasn't supposed to be how that was supposed to go." he looked at me through the visor mirror apologetically, even in the dark he could tell i was going through it.

"i am SO confused. you call her lia? and why did she need to leave what is this?!" holly exclaimed out loud.

"i'm kinda a nick name girl i guess. and dont worry hol i'm going to tell you everything."

and that's what i did, once i had changed my clothes and the pair got comfortable, sitting next to each other on my love seat. about my early life, the boys, him, in specific, the band, the way he left me and everything until basically when i first met holly. i was nervous, for multiple reasons. i was ashamed of the way my apartment looked, and because i didn't know how cal would feel about me bashing his best friend.

"wow," she breathed out. "thats... a lot. also jesus fuck that microphone guy. that's what he did to you? after he swore he's in love with you? god i hate men!," she cried out. calum looked over with his mouth slightly ajar. she relaxed and took a look at him. "not you i guess."

i raised my eyebrows up and down. "calum's actually one of the good ones. my now favorite band member actually. so just saying, i better be the maid of honor." i giggled, sipping my water afterwards. they laughed it off but calums face got more serious.

"so here's the thing, we're going to be here for like another half a month so you honestly might see him at any time. we leave right after thanksgiving, so we could go home and visit. unfortunately, we're starting tour after, so christmas has to be in the states."

my heart quickened at the idea of home. i missed my brother and mum so much. but i already told nick i'd stay here.

"lucky," i muttered. cal made a face as if he remembered something and then asked,

"why'd you leave actually? we visited a lot of times. uhm. he tried seeing if you were home a couple times but your brother wouldn't even open the door."

that's correct, i thought to myself, nick didn't ever forgive him for it, but the visits are news to me, id have to ask him about that.

"too many memories, i felt stuck. as the girl who liked to bake and loved everything fearlessly. i wanted to be... not that i guess," i summed up. cal frowned.

"too bad, i liked the old natalia wells," he said, with a knowing, but sad smile. so did i, buddy. so did i.

*

the pair left together after a while, calum promised me a "get to know the new cal and lia dinner," so we swapped u.s numbers. holly gave me a hug and said we'd be in touch, and i gave a breath of relief that she wasn't too mad at me for leaving out a big part of my life. they left and just like that, i was on my own again. i didn't really know what do. i just sat on my couch and stared at the floor. my mind naturally reverts to todays events. his eyes. so blue but beautiful. the old natalia died and he's out living his life to the fullest, probably... taking naps with other girls like we used to, or resting his chin on their heads just like he did to me. tears were forming, so i told myself to forget it. im glad i only got to see his face before dashing out the door, it would've been worse if he had, god forbid, made his way over. drowning in my thoughts, i realized that i was bigger than this. i told myself that i didn't need him just like he didn't need me. i was so close to forgetting. it was that stupid fucking song.

"want you back." it was dumb. i decided to listen to it all the way, clear and not over the radio. i could hear him i guess and not want to puke. i flopped on my bed and played it and listened. slowly, but steadily my brain was thinking. "cant help but wondering if this is the last time that ill see your face?" that suspiciously sounds like our situation. i refuse to acknowledge this song is about me. there's no way. in that FOUR year span? he thinks about me still? unlikely. until i got to the part of the song that was indefinitely 100% me.

"i remember the roses on your shirt."

its what I was wearing the last time I saw him. it was a black shirt with roses on it. it was my favorite at one point but I threw it out. i now felt like puking again. ill text calum. he'll know.

lia
im like pretty sure im crazy, but is want you back about me?

big boy cal

lia im not sure i know how to tell you without making you upset. but yeah it is. i hope this helps, don't tread on it too much though hes drunk and passed out like no tomorrow right now i'm sure he won't even remember you being there.

a course of relief flew through me again. maybe he was right, he might've gotten too drunk to remember. but the dread filled back up because the song WAS about me. with that information i told myself for the first time, "fuck luke hemmings." and i took my emotionally drained ass to bed.

*

next morning at the boys's place

"pretty sure it's the hangover talking here guys but did i see talia last night?"

calum pauses halfway through his breakfast.
he was very, very, very, wrong.