Untangling a Memory

End the cycle

- Sam: So, how are YOU feeling?

Bucky took multiple minutes before he responded, but Sam didn't jump in. He waited as patiently as he did in-person.

- Bucky: Withdrawn.

- Sam: Say more.

- Bucky: I feel lonely.

- Sam: Ok! Now we are getting somewhere.

- Sam: So, let me guess at this for a second. Bear with me-

-Sam: You are withdrawn because you feel alone, but being withdrawn pushes people away, which makes you feel alone. Does that feel true to you?

Bucky sat with that. Vicious cycle. It was a term Sam had used before when talking with him. He kicked himself for making it worse.

- Bucky: So, I'm doing this to myself.

- Sam: Slow it down.

- Sam: You have been molded into that cycle. Push people away, feel withdrawn not to let people get too close. That certainly sounds like some HYDRA bullshit to me.

- Bucky: They made me this way.

- Sam: Exactly. The armed forces does this, too. It's a desensitizing thing to make it easier to shoot people, to lose people, and continue working. It's one of MANY reasons why it's hard for soldiers to connect when they get home.

- Sam: Lack of common experiences, sure. But they have been trained to disconnect.

- Bucky: So, what do I do?

- Sam: Same thing you did before.

- Sam: Remember that. Tell me...

- Bucky: I got out.

- Sam: Exactly. Now, how does that apply here?

Bucky was finally able to get above the situation rather than be right in the middle of it. The perspective that Sam was able to give him allowed him to put the pieces together.

- Bucky: Break the cycle.

- Sam: Yup.

- Sam: So, here's the thing. If you look at it as- you withdraw so you feel alone, but feeling alone makes you withdraw- remember that you can only change your actions and not your feelings.

- Bucky: Try not to withdraw.

- Sam: Right.

- Sam: So, the hard part is if you are saying that you don't really know you are doing it or why you are doing it, take active steps to do the opposite. Actively GET OUT of your pattern.

- Bucky: I don't need to know why I'm being withdrawn, I can just try to do the opposite?

- Sam: Sure. You didn't know why you were working for HYDRA, but you left, didn't you?

- Sam: Remember that you are in control. That doesn't mean that being withdrawn is your fault, that's just what has become your modus operandi. But you have power in this situation to change. Power is a powerful thing.

Bucky finally laughed and felt relief. Breakthrough.

- Bucky: That's a ridiculous saying.

- Sam: Hey, it's not mine. But still true.

- Sam: At least I'm not going the route of "With great power comes great responsibility." What a punk.

- Bucky: Hey, thanks Sam. I'm sorry to interrupt your day like this.

- Sam: You are just giving me a break from the others. No problem at all.

- Sam: But next time I hear from you, I want to hear from you! I miss you guys!

- Bucky: We miss you, too. Natasha can't stop talking about you. ;)

- Sam: Oh, thank goodness! I didn't want her to forget about me while I was away!

-Sam: Tell her I say hi!

Just in that moment, Bucky saw a text from Natasha pop up on the screen- "Ready to go when you are."

- Bucky: Speak of the devil. Natasha is texting me to pick her up from her appointment.

- Sam: Sounds good.

- Sam: We'll talk more soon.

- Sam: And don't forget. You've got the power to change.

- Bucky: With great power comes great responsibility. Got it.

- Sam: Man, shut the hell up ;)

- Bucky: Thanks again, Sam. Talk soon.

As Bucky wheeled Natasha out of her appointment, they remained in complete silence, but the air was somehow lightened from earlier. Even as Bucky stood without speaking, he was actively reaching out, warmth radiating from his body now. His posture had changed, a quiet smile stretching across his face. Natasha wasn't sure what had happened, but anything that brought him some peace was something she welcomed, something he deserved.

Listen to: "Still Fighting It" - Ben Folds