Untangling a Memory

Hesitation

The day after Sam's long talk with Bucky, he finally emerged from his room. Sam had given the head's up to Steve to not be all over him, like golden retriever seeing his owner after a weeklong vacation. So, Steve tried to play it cool, though he couldn't help, but make a big pancake breakfast for Bucky.

Bucky still felt a bit fragile, but was very thankful for his long conversation with Sam. Sam had turned out to be a great listener and helped to put things in perspective. He didn't challenge Bucky to feel better than he was. Bucky had struggled with this so far in his recovery, as he felt that sometimes Steve and the others wanted him to make progress that he hadn't been able to yet. He didn't want to disappoint the others, but processing all the emotions that came along with recovering the memories was challenging and exhausting. Sam, on the other hand, was patient and helped him reflect.

Bucky was happy to see Steve though after a week of being in isolation and gave him a big hug when Bucky came into the kitchen. The breakfast was a very sweet gesture and showed the amount of care Steve had for him, even when he was a mess. Bucky sat down to eat with Steve and Sam on the terrace, but noticed the conspicuous absence of their fourth.

"Where's Natasha?"

"I'm guessing she's out for another run," Sam said looking to Steve for confirmation, while grabbing a pancake with his fork.

"That's my guess. She's been going on long runs almost every day this week. Probably her way of giving herself a job now that we aren't in the field."

Bucky tried to look unconcerned when Steve said this. He hadn't told Sam specifically about his conversation with Natasha being a trigger for him, so he didn't want to give away his worry that she was missing.

"You're probably right. Plus, you know that girl is keeping it toned!" Sam said this with sassy admiration. Even when Natasha wasn't present, he used a flirty tone when speaking of her.

Bucky and Steve laughed, and everyone when back to eating and chatting. They enjoyed each others company for the rest of the morning before Sam and Bucky went for a walk that afternoon, continuing some of their conversations from the previous day.

Later, Steve and Bucky made dinner together and he told Steve a quick overview about what Sam and him had been talking about. Sam had told him that he had no responsibility to anyone to tell them things he was dealing with or processing, including Sam himself. That additional reassurance from Sam helped Bucky to have the courage to tell Steve that he would approach him with things, but asked that Steve not bring questions or memories to him. Steve seemed to understand and agreed to try his hardest to honor this request.

As they sat down to dinner, Natasha was still missing. Sam and Steve said they had both run into her briefly at points during the day when Bucky wasn't there, but that she hadn't stuck around. Bucky was still worried that his conversation with her or his behavior since then had scared her off, or even that she might not feel comfortable around him ever again. She'd seemed really nice and he'd only heard wonderful things from Steve about her. So he'd hoped to try to get to know her for himself. In his experience, the people that Steve kept close to him were the people worth trying to create relationships with.

But this is how it went for the next couple of days. Where it had been Steve, Sam, and Natasha spending time together for the past week, it was now Steve, Sam, and Bucky. Steve and Sam would run into Natasha at the gym, heading through the kitchen, or on her way out for a run, but she somehow seemed to just miss Bucky in passing each time. It wasn't overly obvious that she was avoiding him, except possibly at meal times when her absence was most noticeable.

Four days after Bucky had come out of isolation, Natasha was on her way back from a run when she decided to stop at the pool to soak her feet. All of her running had started to make them sore and chaffed. So, she sat on the edge of the pool, still in her running clothes, sneakers and socks in a pile to her side. She drew little circles in the water with her feet as she sat with her eyes closed, leaning back on her hands and felt the warm sun on her skin. She still hadn't been sleeping much since the nightmare she had, so she enjoyed this moment of relief to herself.

Bucky was getting ready to run the stairs with Steve and Sam, when he looked out his window and saw her at the pool. It was the first time he'd seen her in a week and a half. The first time since he'd fled from the terrace. There she sat, looking so peaceful by the pool, like nothing had ever happened between them. Like she had not a care in the world.

Bucky fought with himself on what to do. Should he leave her be? She had been avoiding him after all, that had become clear to him. But at some point he felt like he needed to clear the air, between them. He wanted to apologize for leaving her on the terrace without so much as an explanation. Apologize to her for not talking to her for days after that. He'd hurt her, and then when she told him about what had happened, he'd run. Bucky wanted to own his part in both the conversation they'd had on the terrace and the incidents she'd told him about. She might even be able to provide more insight to him about what had happened each of those times he'd hurt her. So, he went back and forth as he looked at her through his window.

"Buck, are you ready?" Steve knocked on his door, shaking him out of his own internal conversation.

He walked back towards the door without opening it. "Yea, I need a couple more minutes, so I'll meet you guys on the stairs." He heard Sam and Steve walking back down the hall.

Bucky went back over to the window and Natasha was gone. Bucky hung his head at his indecision. By the time he had wanted to make a move, it was too late. So, he finished tying his running shoes and headed out after Steve and Sam.

Moments before, Natasha had felt someone looking at her. She was still reclining, but opened her eyes, letting her other senses heighten. And then she heard Bucky's voice. Distant, but she was confident it was his. She knew his voice too well not to recognize it immediately. She grabbed her socks and shoes and sprinted away from the pool without even putting them on. She did what she was best at- she became the Widow, she became invisible.

Listen to: "Sorry... Wrong Trajectory" - Flickerstick