Vipers & Virtues ⚕ ׂLucy Gray Baird

Chapter Sixteen

 Sam's emotions cleared the moment he announced his uncle's death to President Adalia. Gasps had filled the room, but President Adalia remained very still, her emotions hidden under the mask of professionalism she kept on. She sat down and went right to business, and for her sake, I ignored the few tears I watched roll down her pristine face. The bags under her eyes seemed permanent, the grimness of her expression never left. Why would it? Her commander is dead. As for Sam, his voice remained strong, he sat upright, there was an absence of feeling within him. He exuded pure strength, all the qualities of a true military leader. He seemed unphased that the man who had died was his only living family. When we left President Adalia's office late at night, I had yet to speak a word to him. Perhaps that was a good thing.

The sound of his fist on the wall echoes throughout the hallway, and I flinch. Everyone is asleep in their bunkers by now except for him and I. My entire body sags and despite my aching bones, every nerve in me is alert. My mind races with the events of the day, the hours-long meeting with President Adalia, and, despite my best efforts, I think of the kiss. Sam kicks an air conditioning unit then, and I grab his arm and shush him. His nostrils flare when he glares at me, his eyes wide with rage. Toward me. Toward... life, in general. The mask he put on in front of everyone in thirteen fell as soon as he'd punched the thick walls. He rips his arm out of my grasp, shaking it and looking at me with pury fury. His expression doesn't soften when he meets my gaze, and I notice the way he seems to crack open as every second passes. He almost seems as if he's about to cry when he shakes his head and rolls his eyes, pressing his palms to his face before suddenly throwing them down to his side. I try not to flinch as he yells, "What the hell were you thinking? You always close that door, no matter the sacrifice! No matter the sacrifice!"

The sacrifice. Like the one of his uncle. But if he'd died, we'd be down two Commanders. Down two crucial leaders to the survival of District 13. Who knows what hot water we'd be in if they were both dead?

I ignore the little voice in my head that tells me I saved Sam for more selfish reasons. And so, trying to keep my voice low, I cry, "I couldn't leave you to die, not in that way! It's cruel!"

Sam nearly interrupts, "Two more seconds and you would've blown the whole compound! And then we'd all be dead!" His arms fly up then, and he takes a step toward me. His anger is displaced, he knows this, I know this, but perhaps this is what he needs. Perhaps this is what we all need. A screaming match in the aftermath of an attack from the Capitol.

Maybe this is what I need, I decide, as I realize what's in store for us tomorrow. It'll be a miracle if there aren't headlines about the attack on thirteen blaring on the TVs tomorrow. As for the Capitol broadcasting about there being life in District 13, I'm not sure. Their forces may appear weak if it is revealed there is a secret bunker underneath the land. Anger fills my body as I think of what the Capitol did to them, did to us. So, toward Sam, I yell, "And where would we be then? Without anyone to lead our military, to protect us, to protect District 13?" Selfishly, I begin to think of us, of what had happened between Sam and I. An invasive thought, I try to swipe it away alongside my tears but I can't. I can't stop thinking about what we shared. "What about me, huh? What about what happened out there today?" I breathe heavily and my eyes are wide, my face feels hot. I look to the door to President Adalia's office and back to Sam. My voice emits pure rage when I speak again, "What I did saved you and Philip's lives. I wasn't going to leave you for dead."

Sam replies, equally cold, as unphased as ever, "Well, you should have thought about it."

"I did what you trained me to do," I say harshly. "You told me to never leave a soldier behind, I did as I was ordered." I take a few steps away, then turn back and say, "You sound just like the people in the Capitol, leaving others for slaughter in the midst of a battle." He sounds like someone I know very well.