Memoirs of the Lost Loser

Ignorance is a Bliss

Vulnerable.

You struggled sitting up, shakily wiping your tears after your emotional breakdown, giving Hange a look that dared them to decide now. 

"I think we should give her a chance. If she could tweak her gear like that, she could do the same to ours." Miche proposed. "It's not my say, but she could help us do better outside with faster gears."

Miche's support filled you with hope. You nodded in thanks in which he reciprocated with the same gesture. You hopefully looked at Erwin, anticipating his verdict of taking you under his wing and help out wherever you can.

"We can," Erwin scratched his eyebrow, "But Hange will have to look after her."

"Why me?" There was protest on Hange's end. 

You sighed in relief  but your body's already at its limit you could feel yourself faint...

"So you get a chance to play friends." Levi teased.

"Miche's right, she could...help.... for the exped...."

Erwin's voice was the last thing you heard, before everything turned black. 

***

You woke up in the infirmary one afternoon. Your fingers were all bandaged and cleaned up. Your jaw and ankle felt better now, but your arm where the titan bit you felt itchy. 

The clinic smelled acidic. White, stitched sacks of flour divided the beds for privacy in a rather empty hall. There were flowers and a single apple in your bedside table with a note that you easily recognized as Historia's.

Everything will be okay. We will support you in the trial, Phoebe!
Get well soon!

You folded it back, taking a bite from the apple they gave you.

"Yo!"

You didn't even have the time to chew on the apple, when Hange strode on the wide aisle of the clinic. You gave them a slight bow, in which they dismissed.

"It's been decided," They started. "Your trial will be held two days from now. You don't need to say anything. Just stand there and pretend to listen. Erwin will do the talking."

"About the soldiers who couldn't make it..." You diverted their attention.

"We piled the dead and burned them, Johnson. Most of them are beyond recognition and it'll bring disease with them this many." Hange had this sympathetic look on their face. "Do you have someone? Was he eaten? If it's a soldier, you can visit the memorial. We carve their names on it." You understood. Not all bodies can be retrieved in one piece. You also needed to ask permission for every move you make since Hange and most of the vets don't trust you... at least not yet.

"Can I do that after the trial?" You asked.

"I'll have someone accompany you." Hange gently patted you on the back just before their foot pointed at the door, ready to leave. "And I still have your stuff in my office. After the trial, you should show me how they work."

"Of course." You smiled faintly, looking down at your bandaged fingers. "It's what I'm here for." It's the only reason I'm alive. You directed your smile on Hange's direction, surprised at how sympathetic they looked at you. Their stare lingered long and it ended with subtle nods that gave you comfort. They saw the card Historia left.