Monster (Sequel to Who I Really Am (A Remus Lupin Love Story))

Chapter One

        The scene from that night still plays through my nightmares.

"Bria, come on. I know you're pissed, but you can't stay here forever. Please?"

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because you're a monster."

        Why did I even say it? Why did I have to hurt him? Why?

        I'm a monster. And I never, ever deserved him. It was too good to be true. I should've know that it would all fall apart somehow. But I never thought it would end that way; not in my wildest dreams.

        Now I'm alone. Alone except for the occasional company of Lily, who somehow forgave me for what I did. But she still can't be with me often, due to her relationship with James. She wants to spend time with him, and James feels likewise. Plus, James doesn't approve of Lily being around me. So, Lily has to make our meetings secret.

        I'm tired of secrets. Secrets are what caused this whole mess.

        It was almost heavenly to live the way I did the last few months of my Sixth Year; with no secrets, no sadness, and no whispered words about me. Remus and I were able to show our relationship, and no one said anything. Being in the same group as the Marauders protected us from their whispers.

        Now it seems like I'm always surrounded by whispers. Even when I walk through the Muggle streets, it seems like whispers follow me. "Look at that girl.  She was out on the streets yesterday, I remember it. She was wearing that exact outfit too; who would wear the same thing twice?" "Her hair is a mess. Did she even comb that mop?" 

        Even in the orphanage, too. Dumbledore told Ms. Hughes, who runs the orphanage, to keep a close eye on me. Eyes follow me wherever I walk in the orphanage, which is strange. I am used to being completely ignored here. People actually speak to me now, asking how my day is going, and telling me I should go outside to get some fresh air. I give them limited answers, like, "Yes, Ms. Hughes.", "Fine.", and "Maybe tomorrow."

        I'm not surprised Dumbledore told them to keep an eye on me; after all, he seemed quite worried about me. A Centaur found me in the forest a few hours after I collapsed, and took me to the Castle. I remember Dumbledore being there, talking to the Centaur while Madam Pomfrey forced me onto a stretcher. I looked up and saw people crowded around the windows of Gryffindor Tower, watching the scene play out.

        Madam Pomfrey took me to the Hospital Wing, and thrust a potion into my hand. I drank it slowly, watching her talk to Dumbledore across the room. I didn't listen to the actual words, but their tones sounded urgent.

        Dumbledore then came over and tried to talk to me, but I just kept staring straight ahead, not answering his questions or even acknowledging that he was there. Eventually he sighed and left, giving up on me. 

        Madam Pomfrey kept giving me potions, and I drank them without complaint. Eventually she handed me one that must've been a Dreamless Sleep potion, because I passed out after a couple sips of it.

        The next morning, Madam Pomfrey ushered me out of the Hospital Wing, handing me my trunk. I took it and walked to the Hogwarts Express alone, keeping my head down. I was the first person onboard, as everyone else went to breakfast before they left. I found a compartment at the back of the train, locked the door, and closed the blinds on it. 

        No one tried to disturb me. I heard voices outside the door, whispers about me, but I didn't listen closely to them. I didn't want to know what they were saying. No one tried to unlock the door, either. Part of me hoped that someone would, but no one ever did.

        And when the train arrived at King's Cross, I waited until it seemed like everyone else had left. Then I peered through the blinds to see that I was right. I picked up my trunk, and I left the train in silence. When I got to the Platform, there were still a lot of people there, but none of them paid attention to me. I kept my head down and glided through the crowd.

        I took the Knight Bus home, like I do every year. And when I got back to the orphanage, Ms. Hughes was there to say hello and ask how I was doing, and I just ignored her, pushing past her to the stairs.

        Now I'm left alone with my thoughts. There is no one to talk to, except for the occasional word from Ms. Hughes. There is no one to distract me from my thoughts. That is what destroyed me so much before, and that's what is destroying me again. I'm thinking of things I haven't thought about in months, like my parent's and sister's death. I pull Serenity's letter out of her Hogwarts: A History book often, trying to remember how nice it was back then.

        I still have the rest of the summer before I have to return to Hogwarts and face Remus. But the days, no matter how boring and uneventful they may seem, are slipping by quickly; it's already July 31st.

        I don't want to go back to Hogwarts; I would drop out of Dumbledore would let me. I haven't asked him, but I know exactly what he would say: "But it's only one more year. You can survive, yes? Besides, I believe it is your ambition to become an Auror, like your parents. You can't become an Auror without finishing school, Ms. Noble. I highly advise that you don't drop out." Or something alone those lines.

        I really don't want to face Remus. I can't face what I've done. I'm a monster.