The Bad Boy's Baby • Colby Brock

Chapter 40: To My Boys

-Amara-

He's going to ask question. What happened? Why isn't she here? Did she love me? Was she unhappy? That's why I'm writing the letter. That's why this is important. He won't be struggle with secrecy or the "what if's." He'll know why I did it.

Cain,
You were the first thing to happen to me that gave me a purpose. Before you, I was just a shadow. I was a nobody. Then, you came along. I found my destiny. Your dad is the most wonderful, caring and amazing person. He made me feel worthy, he made me feel beautiful, he made me feel safe and comfortable. Though, he was an ass at times. And I know, I'm 18, I shouldn't have a kid so young. But you weren't a mistake, If anything you were a miracle. I found out about you after a car wreck with your dad. Some idiot T-bones us. I was so scared and confused on what to do. I know though, I was your mother and I was going to love you until I take my last breath. When I told your dad, he freaked. I didn't talk to him for weeks. We had a nasty, immature relationship before you were born. But, then that day came. That day of pure happiness. You made an appearance and it changed everything. I had never seen someone so beautiful and perfect in my entire life. I looked at you for the first time and I saw my whole life. You were my world. And the 10 months of your life that I was there for, were the best ten months of my own life. Your firsts, your smirks, your cries, everything about you made me love you more and more. But, we all have our downfalls. Don't blame yourself, don't blame your dad, don't blame my family. There's nothing anybody could of done to save me. Just know, I'm your guardian angel. I'll never leave your side.

Colby,
I don't know where to start. I don't know what to say. I can express how grateful I am for you. Yes, you got me pregnant. Yes, you walked out a couple times. Yes, you saved me. You gave me my son. You showed me true love. While I've never told you how I felt, just know I loved you so so much. The way you held me when I would cry. The way you supported me. The way you look at me. The way you smile. The way you see our son. Everything about you is amazing. I love you, Colby Brock. I'm sorry I'm leaving so soon. I'm sorry I'm giving up. But, I can't anymore. You and Cain will be okay. You'll find love in someone else. You'll have children and get married and grow old with someone else. Can needs his father more than he needs me. And I can't stay. Not with the baby I have in me. Not with the feeling of constantly being afraid. I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend to be better. I can pretend like I don't have nightmares every night of him. I just can't. It's been a month and I'll I can think about his how I was used. I feel so worthless. I feel so helpless. I feel so weak. I don't want to be weak. You can't be weak. You have to stay strong for him, okay? Stay strong for our baby boy.

I place both letters on the bed. It was my time. I knew it. And if I don't do it now, I'll never do it. I'll live as a coward. I put my hand on my stomach. I'm so sorry, baby, but I can't bring you into the world this way. I have to end it. I have to end myself.

I stare at the sleeping pills. It was enough for me to use. I just have to do it. I need to do it.