Taming Alliston

Chapter 7

Staying with someone with a broken heart won't hurt mine because we both know how it hurts to be left out, to be not chosen. Hariette will choose me.

Tinitigan ko yung hawak kong baso ng alak. Trying to stop my trail of thoughts of what I've done wrong for them to abandon me. Hindi naman ako sa kanila nagkasala. Why are they also making me feel the burden I ought to take? Is this my punishment?

"Fuck you, guys. I am perfect. You all loved me. You all want my attention. You all told me that I am your most favorite person in the world." I bit my lower lip to control myself from sobbing as I whisper those words just enough for me to hear.

But maybe you just can't stop yourself from feeling.

I still love you guys. No matter how unjust or ungrateful you seem. I hate you all for not being here to confort me but I still love all of you. It's okay right? Maybe not all things are meant to be shared. These burdens, these negative emotions, these pains, I've created all of these alone, haven't I? So I should be responsible for it by myself too.

I took the shots in my glass. I ordered one and drank it again. Isa pa. Isa pa ulit. At isa pa. At isa pa. At isa pa. Until I lost count. Ang alam ko na lang ay napasubsob na ako sa counter sa sobrang pagkahilo.

I feel free. I am tainted anyways. Wala na din naman yung image na ang tagal kong pinrotektahan. For everyone, I am just like that. A mistress. A bitch. A slut. I was bedded by a married guy who has a pregnant wife. I'm fucked up. I don't have anything to lose anymore.

So yeah, fuck them all! Wala na akong pakialam if someone will recognize me or will take a picture of me this drunk. I just want to get lost. I just want to exile and never be found again.

No one loves me anyway. No one cares for me anymore. In the end, I became someone I fight my whole life not to become. Just a nobody..

Akala ba nila madali maging ako? They only thought how lucky I am for being where I am right now. But I worked every single second of my life for it. Hindi yun swerte. Halos patayin ko yung sarili ko kaka-training. I am lucky to be a self-made billionaire? Fuck you! Don't degrade my hard work.

Did they say I am lucky to be born with a wealthy and perfect family? Damn you all! My life wasn't perfect but you all just want to see how perfect those hidden imperfections.

What about with having famous friends? Just lucky to be in their circle? Damn! I deserve it! I worked for it. I am loyal to them. I keep my promises to them. I always make them feel that they can always count on me. When everyone's breaking, I am their anchor. They always run to me. I love them all and I make sure that they will always be reminded of it. Lagi ko silang tinatanong if how their day went. I see beyond their words. I read their actions. Because I know how it feels to pretend you're okay when deep inside you're screaming in pain. I don't want my friends to feel that.

Pero siguro nga ganoon talaga. Those who tries to keep everyone happy ends up the loneliest and left out.

"How many times do you plan to ruin yourself, Alli bear?"

Napaangat yung mukha ko mula sa pagkakasubsob sa counter nang marinig ko yung boses na yun. Mula sa nanlalabong paningin ko ay naaninag ko pa din yung itsurang iyon.

That bitchy face. What is she doing here?

"Get stuffed!" Iritableng sigaw ko sa kanya.

Tumawa lang ito pagkatapos ay sinuportahan yung likod ko para di ako tuluyang mawalan ng balanse sa pagkakaupo. Tinabig ko lang yung kamay nya.

"Sure. I want to get lost with you."

"Is that your way of saying you want to cop a root with me?"

"Oh, the Aussie's talking when drunk?" Naaliw na tanong pa nito.