In Love With Blindfolds On

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Nurse Moore is entertaining me as she softly hums a melody. I wonder, does she hum melodies to her children? Maybe she's a grandmother. Either way, they are truly blessed. I appreciate her keeping me company, but as I lie here, I can't help but think about how much pain I'm in, mentally and physically. Tee really fucked me up. I haven't seen my face. I am still in my own world because nobody can hear me. I know she fucked me up big time because my bones ache, my body and face feel so heavy. From time to time, when my body is numb, I can feel the pressure, and it is so hard to breathe.

At this point in time, I am my own company. When Nurse Moore isn't around, I am lonely. I cannot wait until I come out of this state of being because I am going to lose my mind. Being my own company is torture. All I can think is, how did I get here?

I say to myself, "Ryder, don't act stupid. You know exactly how you got here." If only I had listened to myself and walked in the other direction—better yet, I should have stayed my ass at home. I remember that day clearly. I was sixteen years old, and I did not have any worries. I looked at life as a gift, and I loved everything about it! Like always, I was living day-by-day, carefree, and living life to the fullest. I enjoyed my peace of mind. I was able to laugh without being criticized, punched, or slapped in the face. Before Tee, I had a loving, peaceful, and joyful heart.

Damn. I regret the day I went out with my cousin Courtney. I don't know how many times I had told her no; I cannot hang out with you. She did not accept no as an answer. My intuition was strong, and it told me to stay home. However, I ignored it and went out with her anyway because I was bored. More than half of the time, she was up to no good. I met most of my friends through her, and they weren't any good either. To be honest, I never really made good decisions. I always got in where I fit in with the crowd, but it was just for fun. I guess I was no good either. I felt like as a growing teen, I was entitled to get in where I fit in. I mean...that is a part of learning. I learned what I liked and what I didn't care for. I kept it moving and didn't overthink it.

I wasn't innocent. I am laughing on the inside...there are no teenagers in the world who are innocent! We all do dumb shit. We live a fun, fast, don't-give-a-shit kind of life, and most of the time, we do not think about the consequences. There is a lot of stuff I did that my mother does not know about. It was all for fun, and thank God I didn't get caught! Ha! I have a lot of secrets that only the people who did stupid shit with me and I will know. Oh boy, it was all for fun, no pun intended.

Come to think about it, I think I had too much fun because I barely made it out of high school. My mom was on my ass all the time about college. It wasn't my thing. Somehow and some way, I got accepted into colleges because I had a high SAT score. I didn't work hard in high school. I did enough to get by. I know I am smart. I never thought school was hard, I mean...the answers are in your face. I never studied for an exam; I just took it on the day it was given.

I remember when I went on an interview with one of the colleges my mom had applied to on my behalf. The lady asked me why my grades were low, but my SATs and ACTs scores were high. I smiled and told her the truth; I didn't apply myself. I could do the work, it was easy, but I didn't care for it at the time. I wanted to enjoy my childhood and teenage years. I didn't like the pressure. The more my mom and aunties pushed me, the more I wasn't interested. I spoke my truth and got accepted. I was disappointed because going to college wasn't on my agenda. I was like damn, I just graduated high school. I wanted to at least take a year off. Yes, you heard me right, I graduated high school at the age of 16. When I was in elementary and high school, I skipped two grades because my teachers felt like I wasn't being challenged.

My birthday is in late November; therefore, I started school late and was supposed to graduate when I turned 18 years old. However, I should be ashamed of myself because I had family and teachers who cared for me. They wanted the best for me when I didn't have my head on straight. I took advantage in the worst way because I knew they would always be there for me. I should have listened to my family and my teachers. But, nope, I wanted to be grown. I wanted to run the streets and do things my way, and now I am most definitely paying for it.