In Love With Blindfolds On

Lost Soul

As I am slipping into the deep end, it's quiet. I feel the pressure as if a vacuum cleaner is trying to suck me in. I close my eyes, and I float lifelessly in the air. I don't want to see myself suffer anymore. I say to myself, "This is it. I am dead." I hear a firm voice that sounds like mine saying, "It is okay, let go...let go of the pain. Let go of the suffering. Let go and come with me."

I hear another voice that sounds like mine—this time, it is more welcoming and sweeter, saying, "So you want to let go and give up on life. Sure, you are always welcome to come with us, just know that you are taking the easy way out. Why not go back and change your life for the better? You haven't even given yourself a fair chance to see what life has to offer you. You are the one who has made bad decisions, knowing the decisions you've made aren't in your best interests. It is you who ignored all the signs. Taking the easy way out isn't going to make life any better. It is not only about you. What about your family? They are going to be hurt. You are going to regret that you didn't give yourself a chance of what life could have been."

I open my eyes as I look over at the welcoming voice. However, I don't see anyone. The welcoming voice says, "You are not allowed to see us. If you cross over or if we are given permission to reveal ourselves, you will be able to see us clearly, but until then, you have a choice to make."

I look over to see if I can see the person with the firm voice. She is impatient as she says, "See, you do not listen. She just told you, you cannot see us. Not only do you not listen, but most definitely, you do not pay attention to the signs. We are here to protect you, but you choose not to take note of the signs. Make up your mind—are you coming with us or staying down there? Time is ticking, and it is not waiting for you."

I don't know where to look. I say out loud as I am still floating, "I am choosing death."

I ask myself, "Will it be easier to choose death? Honestly, I didn't cheat death, because I let someone put me here."

The welcoming voice says, "Whether you talk to yourself silently or out loud, either way, we can hear you." She continues, "By the way, if you want someone to be honest with you," she clears her voice and continues, "You put yourself here because you were the one who kept going back. You were the one who didn't love yourself enough to know when enough was enough. You lost control and let an abusive relationship determine your fate. You gave that person power over you, and that person's hands are about to be the death of you."

The firm voice sounds impatient and angrily says, "Be honest for once, own up to what you did and didn't do. It's not always easy to walk away, but there are steps you could have taken. You could have asked for help. Your family is tired of helping you, but you keep going back over and over again. Look! Look down! Look down at yourself! Look!"

I yell. I am tired of the firm voice interrogating me. "I am looking at myself! I know it is my fault. What do you want me to do? Huh? What do you want from me!"

The firm voice asks, "What do you see?" She is silent, then says, "What's the use...you are wasting our time. You are going to put your- self in this situation again. How many times have you been here?" She doesn't give me time to answer. Instead, she answers the question for me, "Too many. Turn your back. Let go and come with me."

I look down at myself one last time, turn my back, and reach out my hand, "I am ready. I am ready to go."

The firm voice and the welcoming voices say, "Once you cross over, there's no turning back."

The welcoming voice says, "I've asked for permission, and it has been granted." She reveals herself. I take a deep breath — she is an image of me. She is my height, 5'6", hazel brown eyes, beautiful deep rich bronze skin, and wavy copper-colored hair. She is beautiful, surrounded by a lilac, barely pink light; she stands in the bright beam of light; as if it is her soul. She stands there, and as she smiles, the beam of light is surrounded by twinkling stars, but she doesn't reach out for me.