BPD affects 10% of people in outpatient mental health treatment.
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After being released from the psychiatric hospital, I consistently saw a psychiatrist and a therapist. The therapist, I saw weekly, while I only saw the doctor once a month.
I began limiting what I told my therapists. I thought if I told them what actually went on in my mind, they would send me back to the hospital. So I bent the truth, making me seem happier than I was.
Manipulative.
That's one of the traits of an individual with BPD, and it's the one I hate the most.
Mostly because I worried it was true. Was I a manipulative person?
I mean, I would technically manipulate my therapists into thinking I was happier than I really was. Was that really manipulation, though?
The worst feeling was being accused of manipulation when I came out to my parents. I explained how I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria, and my father accused me of manipulating my therapists to receive that diagnosis.
I was horrified. Hurt. Confused. How could he think that? Why the hell would I choose to put myself through the pain of coming out if I wasn't really transgender?
But... his words continued to fester in my mind. Was I really just being manipulative; attention seeking? I felt... lost. My entire identity was constantly being tossed back and forth. If I wasn't really transgender, why did the thought of being a woman cause me so much pain? Was I manipulating myself into thinking it was so?
I hated it. I hated overthinking every single thing. I began to separate from myself, feeling like I wasn't even a person. It sent me into an intense panic attack, where my husband nearly took me to a crisis center.
Since leaving the hospital, I've avoided going back. Instead, if I felt unsafe with myself, I would check myself into the local crisis center. You could stay there for up to 24-hours, until you felt safe enough to return home. It was a decent place for someone to stay if they needed time to calm down.
While there, I spoke to a therapist and a social worker. They worked with me, providing me with coping exercises I could use once I returned home.
Being away from home always hurt, but it was better than staying home and accidentally hurting myself.
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MEMOIR OF THE SPLINTERED
Non-Fiction"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness that centers on the inability to manage emotions effectively. While some persons with BPD are high functioning in certain settings, their private lives may be in turmoil." ~~~ They s...
