Helpless (Reece Bibby/James Graham)

Chapter Six

I stared at the coat Barclay, Chris and Jake had bought me a few years ago. It had become tattered as I’d worn it over the years. At the time, I’d felt horribly guilty about them buying it for me. I still felt a little guilty. They’d been so lovely to me when I’d first met them. And I think that was part of the reason I’d made the decision to move to London. I really missed the first year of my relationship with James. I remembered the first night I’d spent with him. He’d made me smile so much my cheeks hurt. And I fell asleep in a drunken mess on the lads’ bedroom floor with James’ arms around me. Everything had gotten so serious, so real since then.

Reece had been looking after Anabelle over the past few days. I’d have Anabelle from Monday lunchtime until Thursday evening and Reece would have her from Thursday night until Monday. Reece was living in the flat I’d previously shared with him. I’d just moved into James and Barclay’s flat. I was surprised at how mature Reece had been about the whole situation.

I was so angry, so hurt that Reece had cheated on me with Faye. But that only made me feel worse because I’d done the same to James a few years ago. I guess you never really know what you’ve got until it’s gone.

Today I was feeling horribly numb. I didn’t want to get out of bed but James had forced me to. He wanted to spend the day lounging about the flat, watching movies. That was the only reason I’d got out of bed.

I don’t know why it happened. And I’m not sure what triggered it. But I just started crying. “Jaz, what’s wrong?” James asked me but I shook my head. “I don’t know.” James put his arm around me and kissed my forehead. “Tell me what it feels like,” he whispered.

I didn’t want to explain it to him. I didn’t want him to know how terrifying the thoughts in my mind were. “I can’t,” I replied. James rubbed my arm soothingly and kissed my cheek. “I won’t judge you, Jasmine. No matter what you tell me. I just want to help,” he told me.

I stayed silent for a few minutes, wondering how to tell him. “It feels like there’s this big hole in my chest and I just feel so empty and numb. But at the same time I’m in so much pain. I just want it to stop, James. I want it all to stop. I don’t want to be here anymore,” I explained as more tears spilled down my cheeks.

“What?” I heard Reece say. I turned around to see Reece stood in the doorway, holding Anabelle’s hand. “R-Reece,” I stuttered, wiping the tears from my face. “You want to die?” he questioned. I couldn’t answer him. It was true. Yes, I wanted to die.

Reece looked horrified. “You need to get some help,” he said to me before looking down at Anabelle. “Darling, go and get your favourite toys from your room. You’re coming to stay with me for a little longer,” he told her. Anabelle ran into her bedroom and I stared at Reece as if he’d just slapped me.

“I’m taking Ana away for a few days. I don’t want her near you while you’re like this. Sort your shit out, Jasmine,” Reece told me. I looked at James for help. He looked just as shocked as I did. “You can’t take her away from me,” I replied. “You’re clearly not well, Jasmine. I won’t have my daughter at risk,” he explained.

I ran my hands through my hair. He was right. I wasn’t in a fit state to take care of an almost three year old child. Anabelle came running out of her bedroom with her favourite doll and teddy under each arm. I lifted her up and gave her a hug. “Mummy loves you so much,” I whispered before kissing her forehead. “And Uncle James,” James whispered, kissing her hair.

Reece took her from me and left the flat. I had to sort myself out. I needed my daughter back. James wrapped his arms around me and rubbed my back soothingly. “We’ll fix this, okay? We’re going to get you some help,” he told me. I hated feeling like this. I hated thinking I’d be better off dead and I wish it would all end. I wanted to be okay again.

“James,” I whispered, looking up at him. My eyes filled with tears as he looked down at me. “I want to die,” I choked before bursting into tears. James held me tightly as sobs racked through my body. He sat me down on the sofa, his arm still around me as he took his phone out of his pocket. My head was resting on his chest and I could hear the vibration as he spoke into the phone. “Jake, I need you to come round as soon as possible.” Another sob erupted from my throat and I knew Jake had heard it.

It only took ten minutes for Jake to get to our flat. And as soon as he arrived he hugged me so tightly. “Jaz, tell me what’s going on,” Jake said, taking my hand in his, locking our fingers together. My tear-filled eyes connected with his worried ones. “I can’t do this anymore, Jake,” I spoke before letting out yet another sob. “I just want to die.”

“Oh, Jaz,” he whispered, his thumb rubbing over my hand soothingly. “I promise you that everything is going to be okay. You are so strong and I know you can get through this. I’m so proud of you, Princess.”