Helpless (Reece Bibby/James Graham)

3 Years Later

Dear James,

I'm sorry. Oh God, I am so sorry. I love you with every single cell in my aching body. I need you. I need every part of you. I have to have you back, James, please. You loath me right now, I get that. After what I've done, I'm not surprised. I regret everything, James, everything but you. And my beautiful angel, Anabelle. I don't know if the pain will ever go away.

I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now. He told me that the pain of losing a child never goes away. You just learn to live with it and try to get on with your life.

I have pushed you away. And I am sorry, so so sorry. But I'm asking you now for a second chance. Our baby needs me. He's almost two years old now and he'll start remembering things soon. Please, James. Ben can't know that I wasn't there for him. He needs his mum.

I love you.

"What are you reading?" I asked James, peering over his shoulder. He quickly folded the sheet of paper in his hands and turned to look at me. "It's the letter you sent me about a year ago," he answered, causing my smile to fade. "I'm so glad I have you back," he whispered, kissing my forehead. It had been three years since Anabelle had died. I was still heartbroken but I was using all the strength I had to try and move on. Losing her tore my world apart. I'd not only lost her, I'd lost James and my beautiful baby boy. But James had given me a second chance when I'd shown him that I had got the help I'd needed.

Today was Anabelle's sixth birthday. The whole band was coming round to the house I shared with James. We were going to send off Chinese lanterns in her memory. We'd done that twice a year since she'd died; on her birthday and on the date of her death. Ben was only three years old. He didn't understand what was going on. Anabelle's death did not stop me from giving Ben all the love in the world. He was my little king.

I was dressed in a black skirt and blouse when the lads arrived. After having drinks, we all went out into the garden and lit the lanterns. "Do you want to say a few words?" Jake suggested as we let the lanterns go. I had a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes but I managed to whisper, "I love you, Princess." The lanterns looked so beautiful.

We all went back inside and had a few drinks in memory of Anabelle. I noticed Reece through the window. He was stood with a bottle of cider in his hand, looking up at the sky. I took my glass of wine outside and stood beside him. "Do you still miss her as much?" I asked Reece, both our eyes watching the lanterns float away. "More and more every day," he replied. The two of us remained silent for a moment.

"I'm scared that if I move on we might forget to do this every year. I'm scared that this emptiness will never go away. I'm so scared of letting go. I'm scared of losing her all over again. I can't forget about her. Not ever," I told Reece who finally tore his eyes away from the sky. "Me too," he whispered before saying, "I can still hear her little laugh and see her beautiful smile. I loved the way her face lit up when I came home from tour. I'm terrified of forgetting the sound of her giggle. She was the one that brought us together, Jasmine. And even though she wasn't meant to be conceived, she was the best thing that ever happened to me...to us. She was the happiest little girl I knew."

I let out a sob, not able to hold back the tears any longer. "She is a part of me," I told him as he held onto my hand tightly. "She's a part of both of us," he replied. "I can't say goodbye, Reece."

He squeezed my hand lightly, pulling me closer to him. "She was so young. She had the whole world at her feet. It's not fair. I wish with every piece of me that I'd held onto her hand and never let go. My poor baby," I cried causing Reece to wrap his arms around me. "The last thing I ever heard from her was her screams," Reece said, crying with me.

I still cried about Anabelle. But I hadn't cried like this for a year now. And I was falling apart in Reece's arms. "Mummy loves you more than anything in the world. You're such a brave little girl. I love you, Princess and I am so proud of you," I whispered the last words I had ever said to my beautiful daughter.

"I remember holding her as she screamed. And I remember having this feeling of utter emptiness and thinking that I couldn't go on without her. It broke me," Reece told me as I let go of him. The two of us fell into silence; the only sound was our sharp breaths as we cried together.

"Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. Is it supposed to feel like that?" Reece asked me, his voice quiet. I looked at him, a pained expression taking over my features. "I don't know. But I feel it too," I replied before turning around and walking back into the house. I walked straight up to James and he held me against him. Nobody in the room said a word as I silently cried.

I spent some days thinking about the future, wondering where we'd send Ben to school and wondering what he'd like to do when he grew up. But most days were just about getting out of bed and taking things one step at a time. And that was okay. That's what grief was.

I wanted it to get easier for both me and Reece. But not if that meant forgetting Anabelle. The days didn't feel real anymore. And I lived for the moments when I woke up and couldn't remember a thing. But a minute after that came the crushing realisation that my daughter was still gone.

"How do parents go on when they lose a child? You know, when I would see that stuff on the news, I would turn it off, because it was just too horrible to think, but I would always think, 'How do they wake up everyday? How do they breathe?' But you do wake up. And for just a second you forget and then oh, you remember. And it's like getting that call again and again every time. You don't get to stop waking up. You have to keep on being a parent even though you don't get to have a child anymore." -Romy Rosemont.