The Summer of '93

Back to reality

"Oh Mum, let's see what she says". Mum came over as I handed over a crisp, new five pound note.

She got me to shuffle the cards and then turn over three.

It was, the lovers, a death card, and the ace of cups.

She started "For the next twelve months there will be lots of men." I had chosen the fire pile. "The air card denoted I would be strong enough to start my own business since I wanted a good career. " The card on top was the lovers.

"The lovers card meant that there was a man who was very sexually magnetic." This was quite embarrassing, with my Mum standing by my side. "with lots of sex involved; someone who has a great sense of humour and you will get on very well."

"There are two cards relating to men; this one and one suggesting a man who was not ready for a commitment but was probably ready for a long term relationship. This other card denotes that in five to six months time you will be aspiring to be a working Mum. This means that you will let your career go for children." She prompted me to choose another card. "The card suggests that the man doing a lot of travelling at the moment is insecure. This card shows me that you must travel a lot in the summer or as soon as possible. It looks like you will be taken abroad with work yourself. This final card, the Emperor shows me that you would always be secure financially and the guy you end up with will be quick brained and would move on quickly career wise. I can see you have suffered a great trauma in your life and the death card says that you are ready for a new break. This employer will definitely be male and in his 40s and it will be a job for 1 to 1.5 years. He will be very straight with you but he will be good for your career. But you have a great sex life to look forward to!"

"Thank you" I said to her, gratefully.

Mum teased, "That means that you're going to fall in love with that little Soldier drummer boy." Mum is so annoying, I thought. She just doesn't take any of this seriously. This was serious to me. This was my life.

Ali McGregor rang and I had noticed it was always from a pub public phone. He was going back next week to Germany. I did to hope to see him before he went back. But I told him I couldn't make it and to be honest I didn't feel driven to make the effort. I was sure he would lose interest and would meet a German frollein. I imagined the soldiers slept around and the women were attracted to the uniform.

It's hard enough for a fella not to stray at the best of times and we weren't committed in any way. I really was not in the mood for another distance relationship and there was double distance with him. Another heartache wasn't in my plans right now. I needed time to adjust. My sense of trust in men presently was at an all time low and my lack of trust was excusable, given what I had just been through and my present predicament.  I had worn my heart on my sleeve, put it out there and had thought it was reciprocated. The fact that Adonisis was noticeably incommunicado, no letters, no phone contact, nothing like before my trip, left me hanging and hit very hard, and the change of competition meant that unrequited feelings were ripping me apart. 

I bet Ali had known many women with little conscience or concern for the repercussions. The lack of contact meant that I was and hurt and I couldn't help stereotyping. I was sad. I was low. I was fragile. I had to admit though that Ali was very comical. He was likeable but reckless. I couldn't help but find his qualities amusing. However I had really had to force my phone number on him, given that he was so drunk. He claims he lost it. But damn he was damn attractive to look at. Yet he was going out of his way to contact me. I hadn't even had any physical contact with him, yet he rang regularly and stayed true to his word. Surely that counts for something? He deserves the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I should focus away from Dionisis to reduce my current pain I thought. We will see...and classic overthinking. I shook myself out of it.

It was an early start at work. I got work just after 0745. Paul, the director met me at the office and we drove down to Shropshire County council. Paul was in love with Annie Lennox' Diva album and it was a pleasant background. Every time the song 'cold' came on it was particularly poignant. We got down there for 1020 after unpacking the equipment. The demonstration of the Trading standards software went well. Paul was pleased (it took a lot!) I could tell. After lunch he had told me I had done an excellent job. Compliments were rarely given by him. We drove back to the office in Leeds. 

Mum was really unwell with flu. She was feeling very sorry for herself and made me feel like I was a neglectful daughter. Palmer had rung at five to see how Mum was. 

Dionisis rang! I was shocked and he was clearly speaking with the strong tinge of a sheepish tone.

"Sorry I haven't called but I haven't been well."

"Oh no!" I exclaimed, sincerely concerned, "Are you ok now?"

"No, not really. I have glandular fever."

"Oh that's bad," and I continued "that's normally caught when you've been working too hard, does that sound familiar?"

I heard a weak laughter as a response.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No no, thank you. I just have to rest".

The rest of the conversation felt laboured and he was clearly quite distant. I hoped it was just because he wasn't well. It did cross my mind since it is known as the kissing disease that, well, did he think I had passed it onto him? But my understanding of it was that the symptoms were pretty severe. I came into contact with a number of people in my job but it had been a long, long while since I had kissed someone before Dionisis! So then I thought, who has he been kissing? And then I decided it was time to stop over thinking. But he had been very close to Una and they had split up, even though it had been painful for him. I expected the same decision had been made with me. He said nothing, he explained nothing about how he felt. I felt excluded. I felt worse after his call.