The Summer of '93

Dream vs reality

At that point my heart overruled all my usually calculated wisdom. I couldn't help myself and threw caution to the wind. It is not a very romantic thing to say, especially after our first kiss. But I knew what I wanted and sometimes you just have to make the most of the moment. Given that we, up until now, and been so polite to each other it was clear if I we carried on in the same vein then I would be returning home and I knew my own mind; there was something I just had to experience with him. In doing so I knew that of course there was a risk of sabotaging a relationship with him. Ultimately that is what I wanted  above anything else. But it was a moment I simply did not want to, and could not pass by. Maybe I was intoxicated by my feelings for him. I went in for more. His lingering kiss did not disappoint. I pulled away gently. 

"Dionisis?" I paused and searched for the courage in me ask him, "Have you got any condoms?"

"No" he said softly. Oh God, I immediately regretted the question.  Had I been too brazen asking that? Yet strangely I was also relieved that he hadn't which meant he didn't expect anything from me.  He paused. "We can get some." I guess that desire was also reciprocated then!
"Where from?" I asked.
"I don't know." he replied. I could see him thinking. "Maybe we can take the car and try and find some."
"Okay let's go!" I said bossily. It was early evening now. It was getting dark and it was damp outside with the rain. There was a new sense of purpose for both of us as we climbed into the car and as the seatbelt clicked I looked at him. He was pensive. I followed his instructions on the road. We stopped at a few obvious places but no luck. 

"There are no condoms available but there's always beer! In garages too! I wouldn't see that back home."

Dionisis clearly didn't frequent garages and took in what I said.

Eventually he had the bright idea but to be honest it felt a little bit seedy. I stopped at the public toilets and he waved the box high in the air in his hand. There was something quite sordid and unromantic about it but it was what it was. We drove back to the house saying very little. I guess we were both deep in thought. I loved this man. There was no question that it as what I wanted and despite our 'hunt the contraception' the overall next step felt like the right, natural next step. I knew it was inevitable and it was the sensible action to make. I had made that mistake of not being prepared before.

He scooped up my hand with his hand and led me into the bedroom. Everything about Dionisis invited me to go on. In my usual overthinking way, at the back of my mind I had no view of a certain future. Given Una, it may end and my heart would be devastated. I had to take a leap of faith into hope and be optimistic. As for the rest, it felt so good! I just had to let go.

He was wearing a diffused lined, pale blue pinstriped shirt and I gently undid the top few buttons, observing his vest underneath, exploring what was inside with my eyes. I was slow and deliberate in my movement. But as he finished off removing the shirt, i couldn't help wanting him naked and to enjoy seeing his physicality. When I say perfect he was like a finely honed Greek statue. He had just enough muscle definition. I ran my hands of his pectoral muscles and continued to kiss him, proceeding nervously but at the same time, so excited. My hormones led me on.

What I also didn't find out until much later (and it all made sense once I knew) this unfolding event was, for reasons unknown to me, significant to Dionisis too. There had been no other girls. 

I rested my head into his chest as I pulled him close again. Oh my God,  the man smelt great. It was his own pheromone musk mingled with cologne. He lifted my chin to kiss me, and and we then separated. Dionisis reached and pulled his vest over his head and slipped it off. I explored his naked olive skinned chest with my mouth. He was firm and warm, and smooth. Slowly I kissed every curve, savouring the moment and feeling the delicious ache between my legs. I had been more ever hopeful, but it was way beyond my dreams. He lifted my jumper over my head and and undressed me carefully down to my bra. It was clear his mind was very much in the zone and apparent he was a breast man. The bra came off. He was so gentle and deliberate with his kisses.

There's always that moment where I imagine that mental punching the sky for a guy when he conquers and 'scores'. But I expect Dionisis put a lot of pressure on himself in his own mind. There's always the risk that he won't last and worse still, what about the expectation, that worry at this vulnerable time is so elevated. One thing was letting me know excited he was for sure; his heart was racing very fast. I had already felt it pounding firmly through his chest, against me.

After removing everything we climbed under the covers. He was warm and he was no burden weight wise on top, looking down at me, skin against skin. My hands rested over his shoulders and succumbed. Dionisis proved to be the same in bed as he was day to day. He was a gentle, attentive and a very considerate lover. Making love with him was easy and uncomplicated.  I deliberately kept my eyes open to see him up so close as I now had his permission to stare, hoping it would never end. There are times when you're up close and personal like this and it's such a let down. This was not that moment. I couldn't have been so intimate and it wouldn't have been so meaningful and life changing like it was, otherwise. I lost a chunk of my heart to him as we lay in the afterglow. I felt such a deep connection to him.

However for him, It soon unfolded that it felt different from what he, himself had imagined it would be. He clearly had expectations, which took the edge off the moment, quite a bit.

"I thought you would've shaken, did you come?"

"Yes" I replied "I did!" I had. It's hard to take when you're feeling vulnerable. It was soon and too soon after. He didn't express disappointment, but it just felt like there was an air of the unexpected for him. I felt a little bit out of sorts as my perception of it all was it felt that the experience had resulted in disappointment. He continued talking. It was our first time and it can always be a bit strange and not at its optimum, but it was anything but disappointing to me.

Dionisis shared that, "With my previous girlfriend, she shook when she came, but you didn't." The last thing I wanted fresh in my mind was being compared with his girlfriend at this particular moment, feeling a deep vulnerability and it developing even deeper now.

"No," I responded "but I did." Indeed, the warmth of  the experience radiated my whole body which I didn't want to end so I played with his hair and enjoyed his scent. There's that moment of intimacy when you're that close to someone and you want to be, when they talk softly to you and you not only hear them talk but you feel it. His arm was wrapped around me as I lay, draped deliberately over him. It was all I wanted. He locked lips with me again and we were there for hours. Time was very unkind.