The Boy from the Band

Radar Love

Rick called me the night before school started to wish me good luck—and tell me he loved me. He must have done some heroin because his voice is pitched lower than normal and he's speaking a little more deliberately. Maybe he's been drinking, but I don't think so, I'd put my money on the heroin. I've been with him long enough that I can tell.

If I were Elizabeth, I would be fighting tooth and nail to make him clean up. It must be costing him a lot of money-- I asked him once how much he spends on it in a year and he just shrugged his shoulders.

He's goes off it, stays off it for a while, then relapses. I've been told that's not unusual for addicts, but how long is this going to go on? I've told him I don't want it around me and I don't want it in my house. He pretty much complies although I know he's done it in my bathroom when he thinks I'm not paying attention, but I'm always paying attention.

He's never offered it to me, he's smarter than that. I don't mind a little coke once in a while, just about everyone who's involved in music does it, or knows where to get it, but heroin scares me. I remember the night Robbie called me to the studio to take care of Rick because he was really fucked up. I never saw him like that again and I don't want to.

I forgive this shit because I love him. It hurts to see what he's doing to himself and knowing I'm helpless to do anything about it. I just wish I could get him to clean up and stay clean but it's not up to me. I'm terrified that he's going to overdose, or his body is going to give out from all the abuse.

I haven't called Bill and I'm not sure that I want to. Seeing Rick and spending time with Bob Weir reminds me that I like my life. I get lonely but know women who'd be jealous of the men I spend time with. Musicians may be assholes, but I love them.

School starts at last, and I brace myself for the inevitable. I've avoided Bill, but I know we'll have some classes together—and sure enough, he comes into my 8 a.m. advanced chemistry class and sits next to me. "Where were you?" he's clearly upset, "I called you several times and you never answered the phone."

"I was in San Francisco visiting a friend," I reply, "I am so damn tired of winter that I wanted to get away. Spring is nice in the Bay Area. I'd like to live there but it's gotten too damn expensive." I wait to see if he asks me who I was with and he doesn't disappoint.

"So, who is this friend?"

"A member of the Grateful Dead," I'll give away the band but I won't name the musician, "I've known him for quite a while, I met him at Shangri La—the Band's studio." I want to add, "why do you want to know?" but I don't say anything.

Bill shakes his head and the instructor walks in and that ends the conversation. He walks me to my next class and asks, "How about dinner then—fresh start, okay?"

I look at him, I don't really want to chase him away, I just want him to accept my life and not try to change it. This is a nice person, even if he is a little too persistent. I nod and he says, "I'll see you at seven," and walks off.

I hate doing homework as soon as I get home, but I've got a good start in school and am making sure I keep it up. I've got most of my assignments finished—what are the instructors thinking anyway? We've just gotten off spring break and who's ready to jump back into school?

"You look nice," he says and I thank him. I'm wearing a skirt and a shirt that's a favorite of Rick's, along with my flat-heeled black boots. I wish I was going to dinner with Rick, but when he finally has a chance to see me there won't be time for more than a quick visit. I'm looking forward to when I get to see him this summer, I'll actually get to spend a few nights with him, which is a rare treat.

Bill takes me to a restaurant in Woodstock, one I've never been to before, it's a sort of organic Mediterranean which is fine with me. It's nice to be dining with someone instead of by myself. If I'm lucky enough to have an evening out with Rick we have to go someplace in Poughkeepsie or Albany so he won't be recognized.