The Boy from the Band

Too Much of Anything

"Too much of anything is wonderful"  

Mae West

And after that, I don't hear from him. I check my answering machine when I come home from work, hoping to see the message light flashing. Nothing. No calls from his tour manager and no calls from him.

Well, he did warn me, didn't he? They're in the last two weeks of rehearsals before they go on tour so of course, they're busy, right? I tell myself this every night when there's no message from him. Some nights lying to myself doesn't work and I cry myself to sleep.

I have to keep up appearances at work and act like things are fine. What I want to do is stay home and wallow in my misery, but I have to go to work and be bright and cheerful for the customers. Work is providing a panacea, fortunately, and we're busy enough that I don't have time to sulk.

I hate his wife because she can have him and I can't. At night he goes home to her, sleeps in the same bed, and makes love to her while I come home to a bed that feels as empty as my heart. I don't know what she looks like, but I don't want to. If she's beautiful I'll start comparing myself to her and come up lacking.

I realize I can't be sure he won't take his pleasures where he finds them. If he's cheating on his wife with me I'm sure he's doing the same thing to me. I turn my "mom button" off because I don't want to think about this.

"Stop moping," Gina tells me one night, "You're going around with this sad face—don't. He's either going to keep his promise or he won't. So far he's been really sweet to you so he must like you. Just think, he's cheating on his wife with you and doesn't seem inclined to stop. Listen to Mama Gina, you have to learn to cultivate patience if you're going to be with him. If he's making you this unhappy, let go of him. I don't think he'd like the way you're acting these days, so snap out of it."

"Okay, okay," I say, "But how would you feel..." I don't finish because she makes it plain that she's going to ignore me. I understand, I do, but I've put myself in an awkward situation that brings out my insecurities. She's right, I've either got to learn to live with this or let go.

On the drive home I tell myself I'm going to be a big girl. If he calls he calls and if he doesn't, well, why would I want someone who doesn't want me? That makes no sense, right? It's not like he's the only cute guy in the world, but he happens to be the cute guy I fell in love with.

I get home and the message light is blinking. Oh god, the message light is blinking. I take a deep breath and push the "play" button, hoping that it's him, or at least his tour manager.

"Where the hell are you?" says a familiar voice and I can feel myself grin from ear to ear, "I had to sneak away and pretend that I had to take a leak so I could call you. Tom, our tour manager, is making reservations for you to fly to Dallas the weekend after Labor Day. Get three days off, can you do that? You'll fly down on Saturday and return on Monday. And if you can't get the damn days off, call in sick!"

There's a pause and I wonder if the message has ended. Then I hear him say, "I miss you. I wish we could have gotten together before I left but I've been too fucking busy. I love you kid, I'll see you in September."

The machine beeped, indicating the message had ended. I save it and play it two more times.

He loves me, he's never said that before, but he said, "I love you," it's there on the tape. I wonder if it's something he said casually, or did he say it because he's been drinking? I don't know. All I do know is that I've wanted to hear those words and couldn't be the one who said it first.

"I love you." I've waited so long to hear that, wondering if it would ever happen. I wonder if he does love me, or if he just said it out of guilt.

I should call Gina, but I want to hold onto this and treasure it. I feel like I've been given something precious and rare. I'll tell her tomorrow before work and watch her reaction.