Estella

Chapter 23

My child was not created under happy circumstances. It is hard to know what to say to someone in my position.

I don't even know what I want to hear.

I'm not happy about what led to this point. I'm still so fearful of what happened to me in the past.

But, I don't want people to feel bad for me.

If I didn't want to raise this child, I would be giving it up for adoption, and if I didn't want to carry this child, I would have gotten an abortion months ago.

I am doing this because it is what I want to. I want to raise my daughter. I want to be a mother.

I don't want people to feel bad for me when this is what I want.

I am not doing what I am for any other reason besides that it is what I want.

"We all love you, Es." My dad reminds me.

"I love you too." I tell him with a smile before he goes over  to talk to whoever he just saw walk in.

I'm sure that everything is going to be alright in the end.

People can't read what is going through my head.

I lost everyone in my life.

All I had was this boyfriend I hated.

Then I found out I was pregnant.

Suddenly I had something. I had a purpose, a reason to continue.

I never would have gotten out of my situation had it not risked the safety of my daughter.

Without her, I would still be stuck with Jacob, and I would be miserable.

She helped me speak up and say that something was wrong. She's the reason I told my parents what was happening.

She's the reason I have Parker.

She's the reason I have my little sister back.

She's the reason I feel comfortable talking to my family again, now that I have nothing to hide.

And she's the reason I was able to get close to my brother again.

Jacob pulled me away from Eli, and if it wasn't for everything that happened to me, I never would have spoken up.

I never would have been able to be close to my family again, I would still lock myself in my room for every minute I am home.

I wouldn't be talking to my parents, getting advise from my dad, or making jokes with my mom.

I wouldn't be playing games with my little sister as we talk about whatever is on her mind.

And most importantly, I wouldn't have my best friend back. I don't know how I shut my brother out for so long.

My daughter has already changed my life so much, she's saved me. And she hasn't even been born yet.

Guys, hope all is well. Online college sucks, but I'm doing okay. I'm having all my friends over tomorrow to have one more fun outside day before the snow comes.

Also, let me tell you about this boy.

So, I've never had a boyfriend, I've never kissed anyone before, so I don't know what I'm doing in the slightest.

Basically, a friend of a friend commented on a Snapchat story of mine a little over a week ago, and now here we are.

We have been talking, and like, he's really nice. We've only hung out twice, we walked my dog two times and went bowling after the first time. He works full time and is in college full time, so it's hard, I'll just in school full time.

If you all know about my rich friend with the BMW, that's our mutual friend.

We have mainly just been talking on Snapchat over any breaks, it's fun, there isn't much to do during a global pandemic.

I think we are walking my dog again in the morning before my friends come over.

My foot hurts so bad, but I'm pretending it doesn't because I want to have fun tomorrow.

I just don't know how any of this works, and I'm scared.

I'm also nineteen, so I'm young. But like, I'm old.

I've known this boy for four years now, we had a class together, but only talked once on senior skip day last may, and that was like a year and a half ago.

His name is Cameron, but he goes by Cam and I honestly just love that name so much, so he better not make me hate him because I love the name.

He's like, way taller than I remember him being, or maybe I'm just short?

Over like text, he's crazy flirty and bold, and then I'm person he's kind of shy, but I guess I'm the same 🤷🏼‍♀️

Like he keeps asking me to come over and cuddle and tells me to kiss him, and then I'm person he's like 'this dog is so cute'.

Also, I've been thinking, and like, I'm pretty sure his friend group, minus Chris(shoutout to anyone who knows Chris from previous stories, yes I mean 'one less step' soda and popcorn Chris) has a thing for white girls? Like it's kinda weird, but like, I don't know 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also, I always say this, but I went to a super diverse school, literally no friend group was made up of just one race, my friends are me, a white girl, a few white guys, a few Asian, a light skinned girl, Sarah from the Dominican, we've got it all.

So, Cam's friend group is the same, but it's mostly Asian, a few white, a Hispanic, some middle eastern, just a bit of it all, I think that's super cool how my high school was so like that

I'm not a huge fan of the fact that he's going to school to be a police officer, but you gotta take what you can get 🤷🏼‍♀️.

But, his dad is in the military, so I do get it, I just know how corrupt the system is.

I still need to get to know Cam more, but he's cool, I just have never been able to read my feelings, and I have never liked someone before, or maybe I just don't know what it feels like, so I'm not sure how I feel yet, but I'm giving it time

Cut to me a year later being like 'girl you had no idea what was in store' because I'm excited for that.

But like, he may not have a good job, but we are actually 19, but he's working full time, making money, lives alone, and is at least like, responsible, I can appreciate that and think it's impressive.

I don't appreciate him letting me win at bowling though.

But I guess all I can do now is see how things unfold 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also we were talking about that creepy communist(he's not actually, he just said it for attention, he's actually a crazy Conservative that's also racist and sexist and homophobic and just the worst) kid I've talked about before and this boy goes, "not to be racist, but he gives me school shooter vibes" and that was just so funny to me, because I've always been scared of that kid and he really does give off those vibes.

Also, Cam is only half white, and like, that's half less than anyone in my family, so that's cool 😂 he's half Asian(Thai) and like, it's weird to say I like the fact that he's Asian, but I like the fact that he's Asian.