The Fighter and His Tiger (Unexpected Love #1)

37. Saturday Week Fourteen

DOUBLE UPDATE because why not 

37. Saturday Week Fourteen

By the time I had reached my destination, my tears had dried and my heart had stopped aching. Actually, I just felt numb, where my feet should have throbbed, I felt nothing. Where my heart should have ached, I felt hollow.

The cool ground caressed my feet as I weaved through the headstones barefoot. My feet sinking into the soft blades of grass and wet mud as I manoeuvred my way between the resting places of so many loved ones.

My fingers gently stroked the cold headstones, the chill on my hands providing me with a strange comfort. My bare knees now joined my feet in sinking into the muddy ground beneath me and my cold fingers traced the letters engraved on the stones before me.

MARK COLE JENNIFER COLE

As soon as my finger traced the last letter, I allowed myself to break down. A sob wrenched out of me and I clutched the gravestones of my parents, seeking comfort from the memory of the two people who I needed more than anything right now.

A gaping hole still remained in my heart from the loss of them and I felt their absence every day. I hated that I got to see Ty grow up and they didn't. I hated that my Nan lost her daughter but had to stay strong for us. I hated that Ty was never going to get to have the relationship with them that I did — they were strangers to Ty, I think that's what hurt most of all, that he didn't know his own parents.

There was a sense of irony that a place which represented so much death and heartache could bring a person so much solace and sanctuary.

When my parents first died, I never visited their graves. It was selfish but I couldn't bring myself to see their names engraved on the headstones, to finally recognise that they were gone for good.

Wiping my eyes and taking deep breathes, I willed myself to calm down.

"I miss you guys," I sniffled and ran my hand over my mother's grave, the indents that represented the day she died feeling more prominent than anything else engraved on the grey headstone.

My legs crossed beneath me and I situated myself so that I was sat in between the two gravestones, drawing strength from both of my parents.

Head tilted back and I took a large breath in.

Grey clouds littered the sky and the sun was peeking over the horizon lighting the world with devastating clarity; and informing me that it was now Saturday. My eyes fluttered closed until all I could see was the black aftermaths of what had been in front of my open eyes.

"Everything's gone wrong," I whispered, I leant back forward, wiping the lone tear that had escaped off my face as if that would rid me of this hollow misery I felt.

"I've lost everyone. Nan and Ty are leaving for a school camping trip tomorrow and I don't know," I sniffled and sighed, "I don't want to burden her with all my bullshit and it is my bullshit, I got myself in this mess and it's unfair of me to ask others to help shoulder the burden."

Done with the pity-party, I sat up straight, wiped my nose and eyes and smiled at the memories of my parents, "I wish you could see Ty," I whispered, "he's so big and crazy smart," I shrugged, "a part of me doesn't want him to grow up because I'm coming to learn what a shitty place the world is."

"No—" my voice broke as the heartbreak of losing my friends overcame me but I cleared my throat and carried on, "Noah is so disappointed in me, they all are, Mum. All I've done this year is lie to them and after the way that turned out last year, how can I blame them for being mad? We promised each other that we would get through all our shit together and here I am, keeping soo much shit from them."

I turned to face her grave, "I don't know how to get them back," I whispered, "I'm so lost and I wish I could hear your voice just one more time so you could tell me what to do," I faced my Dad's grave now, "and Dad, I wish you were here to chase away the monsters."

Exhausted, I sat back down on my haunches, "there are so many monsters," I whispered into the empty air.

Struggling to find the right words I simply stared at the empty sky above me for a moment as I let the chilled air seep into my skin.

"I guess it's finally time to tell you everything," I chuckled, "although, you probably already know. I never could hide anything from you, Mum. And Dad, you were always my partner in crime."

Smiling softly, I numbed my heart and began to finally tell the truth to my parents, "I never told you guys, but last year, I had a boyfriend. His name was Marcus and he hurt me. The loneliness was crippling, I had never felt so alone in my life but I came out of it," my voice was shaky, "my friends pulled me out of it."

"But I don't have that now, I've lost them all."

"One by one, I've made mistakes which have cost me the people I love. I can feel it all slipping through my fingers and I don't have the strength to hold onto it. I'm not strong enough."

The grass beneath my feet was picked at relentlessly by my hands as I spoke, "I've lost track of who I've hurt and how I've hurt them and I have no idea where to start in making amends. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. Before Mikael, before Eli, before Marcus, just before everything went wrong."

Then I smiled softly, "but then I guess I wouldn't have met Eli. Wouldn't have fallen in love. I'm starting to realise that maybe my love for him is unrequited but I just can't bring myself to regret a moment spent with him. Because in those moments, I was happy. He made me happy, like truly happy for the first time in a long time," I took a deep breath in, "but I've lost that now. I've lost everything."

The sky cracked above my head and then slowly, one by one, raindrops fell and drenched the already soppy earth around me. The water ran down my face, my eyes, my nose, my mouth, soaking me. Drowning me yet still allowing me to breathe. My salty tears mixed with the crisp rainwater until I could no longer tell which of the two drenched the ground at my feet.

And that is how I stayed, how I sat, how I slept.

On the ground, in front of the gravestones of the only two people who I thought could save me from myself.

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This one was really hard to right. I hope I portrayed the sense of loss that Rei is feeling.

Thank you for reading, lovely people!

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