(eventually) yours

Chapter 11

With Holst having nearly confessed to her, Byleth is not sure what to do about that. Somehow, she still manages to be unsure about his true feelings, and even with him coming across as completely sincere, she has to wonder if he isn't just teasing her. It seems very unlikely- more like impossible- when she factors in the letters sent while she was missing, but even so, she keeps asking herself what he would really want with her, when he barely knows her.

That is when she has to turn around and ask herself a similar question. It isn't as if she can keep running from her own feelings when she finds herself so concerned with his, and if she is going off of her own logic for why he should not have feelings for her, then she definitely should not have feelings for him. He only knows her through letters and he saw her once from a distance. She has never even seen him, so if she has feelings for him, and that makes sense to her, then his feelings should as well.

It is just difficult to accept that a nobleman would fall for a mercenary-turned-professor from such a distance, just because he enjoys writing to her. Shouldn't he have more refined tastes than someone like Byleth? Doesn't he have a line of potential brides to choose from, all of whom are probably much better for the job than she is?

It would be easy to read the sincerity in his words, if not for her own doubts, about herself and her ability to win someone over, and her ability to form a relationship at all. It is the first time that she has ever felt this way, let alone the first time someone might have admitted to feeling that way about her. She can't help but overthink it, and she has no one that she can ask about it anymore, not with the situation that she is currently in. After all, it would look very silly for her to be concerning herself so much with the flirtatious words of any man, while she and her former students are trying to turn the tides of a war.

The only person she can think of who might enjoy that sort of discussion, just to take her mind off of things, would be Hilda, and Byleth is not exactly comfortable asking Holst's little sister if she thinks that Holst is interested in her, and what she should do if she is. She can think of several ways this could go wrong, not least of which would be Hilda immediately writing to Holst, teasing him relentlessly and quoting passages of his letters, just to get under his skin. Byleth doubts that he would want much to do with her after that, no matter what his feelings are right now.

She can write to him about current events, about anything going on in her life without directly mentioning her own feelings, or even his. Until she knows what to do, she can simply dodge the subject, and hope that she will be able to make better sense of it later, after she has had more time to think about it.

Byleth,

It seems like you're being kept even more busy than I am. I'm glad that you still have time to keep in touch, even though everything is so hectic. Your letters have once again become the thing I most look forward to receiving. I don't think that it is any exaggeration to say that right now, that is what is keeping me going. You have no idea just how important they are to me.

Sadly, I'm either going to have to finish this up now, or wait who knows how long to finish it, so I'm sending you something brief this time. Hopefully I will have more time next time.

Yours,

Holst

P.S. Are you ignoring what I said in my last letter because it bothered you? I won't mention it again, if that is the case/

Holst,

You caught me. I wasn't ignoring it because it necessarily bothered me, but I didn't know what to think about it, and didn't know what to say, as a result. I'm just not really sure how to process anything that you're saying, as it's the first time anyone has ever talked to me like this. I suppose I just want to know that you're really not teasing me, before I say anything stupid.

I guess we're both rather busy lately, since I have to cut this short as well, but I at least wanted to tell you that much while I had the chance.

Yours,

Byleth

Byleth,

I hope that you understand my feelings when I am as blunt as possible, and I'm sorry if anything I said before might have been misleading, or made you think that I was not serious. The truth is that I mean everything that I say. Sometimes I get a little carried away and probably say more than I should, but that does not make any of it any less true.

I have had something of a crush on you for a long time, for years, really. But nearly losing you made me realize just how dependent I had become on you, on being able to write to you like this, and I realized that there had to be more to it than that. I care about you a great deal more than I have ever cared about anyone outside of my close family, so I don't think it is too out there to say that I think I've fallen for you.

I'm sorry if all of that is too much for you. I never want to put any sort of pressure on you, or do anything that might put an end to our relationship. No matter what our relationship may be, writing to you will always be enough for me, so I hope even now, we will be able to continue.

Yours,

Holst