In My Head ❌

In My Head-Part 13

The man I had been best friends with for the last three decades had just told me he never wanted to see me again, he had essenitally told me he wished I was dead. That hollow feeling forming inside me was caused by the man who had half my heart and half my soul walking away from me; I cried out in pain and agony.

I now knew what it felt like when your soul shattered into a million pieces, I closed my eyes against the pain as I tripped backwards over something in the room.

I jolted awake and felt tears pouring down my face as my heart threatned to pound right out of my chest. I sat up in bed shaking all over as I recalled the dream I had just had, I started to sob a little as I heard Dream Dec's words in my mind. I tried to block them but it wasn't working because i believed every word of it, everything that Dream Dec had said was true.

I sat there trying to calm myself down and even though I knew it was silly of me at that moment I wanted Dec, he always comforted me after a nightmare like this. I knew he hated me now and didn't want me around him anymore but I just needed to hear his voice; I wanted him to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be ok, that he still loved me.

I didn't even try to fight my body as it seemed to move on it's own accord until I stood in front of the door that divided our rooms I put my hand the handle and was about to open it when I heard Dec's voice. I stopped and listened through the door as he seemed to be talking to someone, the door was very thick and I had to strain to hear the words.

"Ant....better off without...."

I felt my heart freeze I couldn't make out all of the sentence but I heard enough, Dec had said he was better off without me. Tears filled my eyes as I heard someone respond back but their voice was so low I couldn't make it out; I started to run away from the door but then I heard Dec's voice again.

"....killed Stephen he needs to stay away from me.."

I rushed backwards away from the door at those words, no no no please no! I was dreaming again that was the only explanation for this becasue my Dec would never say those things....would he?

My leg connected with the nightstand and as the pain tore through it I realized that this wasn't a dream, Dec had really said those things. He was better off without me and he blamed me for Stephen's Death; he wanted me to stay away from him. I started sobbing burying my face into my hands to muffle the sound as that feeling from my dream came back; the hollow empty feeling of my soul shattering inside me.

I couldn't believe Dec had said those things I loved him and Stephen I hadn't meant for Stevie to die! I hadn't meant to fail everyone all my life, I hadn't meant to fail Dec; I sobbed harder as I realized that I had just lost Stevie as well as my best friend in the entire world.

If Dec didn't want me around anymore then I was positive no one else would either, I recalled Dream Dec's words from before.

"you should be the one who is dead right now not Stephen."

Those words played across my mind and they mixed with the words I had overheard Dec say a few minutes ago, I felt a strange feeling surge through me and I stood up off the bed wiping my tears; I had to set things right.

I had killed Stephen, I was a failure who was always letting people down; I was the one who deserved to die.

I knew what I had to do now  and I felt determination sweep through me as I moved towards the door that led out into the hall.  I couldn't  do it here because I knew that Dec would be the one to find me and even though he hated me now I loved him and I couldn't stand the thought of him being the one to find me, it would traumatize him.