Find Her, Fix Him

26 | Our people

26 | Our people

~KHAN~

I lied to Emir.

I said that I'd meet him by the school gates when I finished my classes for the day, and I do meet him there. Three in the pm, the exact time when all the students swarm out of the building and the air is full of chattering excitement and anticipation for the weekend. But I don't meet him when I finish my classes, because I didn't go to any today. Or yesterday.

At first, I told myself I needed time to recover. My limbs still ache when I move them a lot, and when I take my shirt off to shower or for bed, there's a whole tattoo-sleeve of bruises on my skin. Sam throws a powerful punch. I can still remember the sensation of his knuckles making contact with my skin and muscle and bone. It makes my stomach lurch.

I remember the look in his eyes, too. Black with anger. He really looked as if he hated me in those moments. There were moments when I thought he wouldn't stop hitting until I was dead.

But even if I could move perfectly easily with no pain, it wouldn't hide the pain in Lilo's face whenever we accidentally make eye contact. Or the pain that grabs my heart when I remember that I'm just another person who left her.

I see her in school, obviously. She hangs out with her red friend, Del, and Matt and Phil and the boys always say hi and give her hugs or fist-bumps whenever we pass her in the corridors. I try to smile, but she just ducks her head and turns away, both of us wanting to sink through the floor. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It took two years before she was ready to talk to Matt again, and our falling apart certainly wasn't smooth.

I just want her to smile at me, that's all. I miss it. I miss it more than I'll admit even to myself, and it hurts. A lot.

After I left the kitchen, I ran. If I wasn't still black and blue I'd have gone and kicked a ball around, but even with my stubbornness I knew that I'd only damage myself further. Running, though- slow and light, I could manage that. With each pound of my trainers against the pavement, I saw Lilo's crying face in my mind. I'd gone out to clear my head, but by the time I'd returned home, my mind was in a worse state than ever.

And when I got back, she was gone. Just like that. I even checked under her pillow to see if she'd left behind a book or something; she hadn't. My uncle's bedroom was as bare and abandoned as it had been when she first moved in.

She'd left a note for Emeh, telling her thank you for letting her stay, and that she was so grateful and would always be in her debt. Emeh's eyes got slightly wet by the end. I think having Lilo in the house was like having a daughter of sorts for her- someone who helped out and made her smile.

Lilo also left her hair-straighteners behind for Nesta, saying that she'd put them to better use in a short note. I left the room before my aunt or my sister could ask what she'd left me, because I already knew I'd find nothing.

It was like she'd never even been there.

Almost a whole week has passed since then. I play football and hang out with my friends, but I'm always distracted. Two days after Lilo was gone, I decided I was going to stop thinking about her all the time, and turned my attention to Emir and his Justice seekers instead. I felt so fired up when defending myself to Lilo, but the excitement seems to have fizzled out a little since our argument. I never wanted to lose her over it.

Then I remember the look in Sam's eyes and he hit me and hit me, and my fierce determination comes flooding back. He hasn't been in school- I don't know if he's been suspended or what, because if he had, I'm sure I'd be too. The fight was on both sides.

On Wednesday, I didn't come into school. I thought that at least Lilo would feel relieved- she can spend time with the boys now, without having me there to make things awkward.