Shhh! It's a Secret

Chapter 8: Perfectly Fine

I see Jacob carefully pulling out his car from the driveway very slowly, not taking his eyes from the back mirror even for a second, though not because he is being extra careful to not have an accident but because he can see my refection on it, looking at him from the window with a smile which he said can light up his world on the drive home, how funny? my smile can light up his world yet I am engulfed in darkness myself. 

I wish I was't me, I wish I wasn't the Harlene Marvin this town knows, I wish I could again become the Harley who played in the backyard of Aunt Susan's house every morning with Wafer, our golden retriever, the Harley who wanted to open a flower shop called Lavender Valley once she was old enough, the Harley who had no disability, the Harley who was happy, whose life was perfect, who had a reason to be perfect, the Harlene Marvin who loved the light, who lived in the light. Those days seems so far now that it feels they never happened, but they did, Uncle Clay happened, that night happened.

Huge drops of tears leave my eyes as for the first time since that night, I finally feel the emotions I had been ignoring for so long, I had swept so much under the rug that I didn't realize when I had swept my heart under it as well, I wish I could change, I know what Aunt Susan would have done if she had seen me in this condition, she would have taken me into her arms, kissing my forehead while hugging me tightly, I would have felt her long blonde hair hiding my head completely and her light blue eyes would have dropped tears for me, in her soft voice filled with the affection of a mother she would have said, " It's okay sweety, you can cry dear! everything would be fine, perfectly fine" but the moment I close eyes, her screams brings me back to reality, that face of an angel fades away and turns in to this bruised bloody mess, the same reason which makes me want to be better won't let me be better, this is the ugly game of my faith Aunt Susan. I wipe away the tears and as I let my hand fall to my lap, I notice something unusual on my fingers, I bring it closer to find it smeared by a drop of blood, but these tears aren't mine, these are the tears of those girls whose screams no one heard under the basement of the old church, these are Aunt Susan's, and everyone must pay the price of their sins and since I am keeping the account I will make them pay it twice.

After having dinner with Sister, I decide to go the attic, I have actually been redecorating that place for quite some time now. As I turn on the torch light, I am so pleasantly surprised by how beautifully this place is coming together, with the giant richly embroidered old yet elegant carpet, a small circular golden hand mirror just like the one Aunt Susan had and how can I forget the best part of this place? A small circular table with few cracks and one corner of glass broken covered with white Lacey burnt table mat which I had bought with me from home, I still remember how hard mother had tried to take it away from my hand but I refused to let it go, throughout the treatment and funeral until I arrived here, my mother didn't even bother to hug me before going, and yes on the table stands a gorgeous pink vase I made myself from scratch , it was filled with eight stunning red roses but now only two are left, how sad? I take one from the vase and with a lighter in my other hand walk towards the mirror, I look  at the rose admiring it's beauty, one of it's thorns slightly pricks my finger but this is perhaps the least prickliest of the bunch, the one which is the most is still left, while I lit it on fire my eyes fall on the paper cuttings which I have collected, Mr. Wright from Maple Valley, Nathan and Alex from River High, Mr. Hatten a businessman from Los Angeles and his friend Peter, George Kennedy a graduated student from Maple High and finally Hardin, all are missing ha? What a mystery, it has so many broken pieces but no connection to each other, I have made sure about that. I look at the mirror again as a smile brightens my face only it's not the once which can brighten Jacob's world, it's the one which would scare away anyone who comes close but as the last remains of the rose burn away and it's ashes fall to the ground I realize that this doesn't me scare at all and I don't need to get  a control on my mind, I am fine! Perfectly fine