Remember Me This Way

Chapter Thirty Three

"I'm ...well...I wish I'd been there more for you, and for him." The two men stared at one another. Each wanting to do something, express what they were feeling and neither sure of how to do so.

"Thanks Dad." He replied instead, realizing what was really weird about the entire situation, was that he actually meant what he said.

The two found themselves within an awkward silence once again. Fortunately, they didn't need to say anything. Nick saw his mother walking towards them. Another first came that day, he saw her without any make-up on. Her hair was brushed back and she was wearing a plain black dress. Even in this situation he found himself a bit shocked that his mother didn't care how she looked. Normally she always fussed about it in case of cameras. As cold as it was, he expected her to think of that that day.

He was happy she didn't.

Jane came up and embraced him immediately. Nick stumbled at the force, taken completely aback at the unexpected rush of emotion coming from his mother. Bob watched silently for a moment before motioning to Nick that he would be taking his seat. Nick simply nodded as he held Jane. She pulled away, staring at her eldest son. A hand came up and stroked his cheek. Nick was in simple awe at the entire series of behavior.

"Mom?"

"Nick..."

I can't deal with this right now. He tried to pull free of the situation, to run off and not have to deal with any of it. At that moment, Nick suddenly saw the frightening disease as a blessing.

"I'm sorry."

"Wait...what?" He asked, sure he heard her wrong. This seemed to be a day of surprises as well as mourning.

"I said, that I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" He asked again, still unable to fully compute what was being said.

She sighed, looking away. "You never did make anything easy did you..." Jane kept her eyes on the ground, rather than at her son. "I know I'm not the kind of mother that you wanted, or that you needed Nick. I made a lot of bad choices over the years. And...instead of admitting that I blamed you instead. Blaming you for everything was easier than knowing I drove my own children away. I should've said this to you years ago but after...after..." She began to break down then, tears streaming down her face at the thought of her youngest. A hand shakily held a handkerchief to her eyes as she fought to continue.

"Mom..."

"No, I need to say this. After learning about what you're dealing with, I came because I cared. But it's always been so easy to fight with you and instead of saying what I needed to say, I let myself goad you into an argument instead. But then Aaron... I already lost one son and I know I'm going to lose another...and I wanted to say I'm sorry Nick." Jane finally looked up at him then, her watery eyes meeting his gaze dead on. "I'm sorry I was never much of a mother to you. You're a better child than I deserved."

Nick was in shock. Here was his mother, saying everything he'd ever wanted her to. He'd been wishing for this for years, begging God in his thoughts to finally give him his mother back. How many times had he given her whatever she asked in hopes it would bring the mother he missed back to him? And now he had it. Finally. The only tragedy was been the price at which this had been delivered to him.

A price that had been far too high.

His eyes glanced upwards wondering briefly if Aaron was really up there, watching them all from above. He took a deep breath, readying himself for the words he thought he would never hear himself say.

"Mom, it's okay...I forgive you."

****

The funeral service had been one that didn't fit his brother at all. It was too formal and too stuffy for the likes of Aaron. Nick tuned it out, lost within his own thoughts instead. He sat in the front row of the pew. At the start was his father, then his mother, himself, and his three sisters according to age. The Carters appeared to be a united front as they fought to deal with his grief.

The fellas along with their families had all come as well. Nick had seen them as they took their seats. He was once again incredibly thankful he had such loyal friends who had become far more than that in the twenty three years they had known each other. This was the reality.

Nick wasn't thinking about any of that then however. Instead he was looking up at the sky, wondering when he would be called up to speak. When Nick looked around, he knew he was at his grandfather's funeral. It frustrated him that he hadn't been able to be with him much towards the end. Instead he'd been on the first ever Backstreet Boys' cruise. Following that had been the work and promotional interviews for his second solo record I'm Taking Off. He tapped his foot impatiently. He hated funerals. He loved his grandfather, but he always felt so out of place at memorials like this. Nick looked around.

Where's Lauren?

He stood, having thought he heard the priest mention his name. Nick readied himself to speak his own eulogy to the crowd. Before he could move to go up to the little podium, Jane tugged at his arm to pull him back down. He pulled it away roughly. "Mom what are you doing?"

"Nick, honey, sit down."

"Mom, I gotta go up."

"No, you don't. Just sit down." She answered gently.

He rolled his eyes. "Stop it, what you want the attention for yourself?" He hissed not realizing the attention they were attracting.

"You're confused."

"I'm not confused, I'm fine. Now if you excuse me..."

The priest had stopped speaking, and everyone was watching. Kevin and Brian had hurried up discretely as they could to Nick's side. Brian looked at him, his eyes filled with concern. "Nick, come on buddy, let's go talk."

"Jesus Brian! Leave me alone, what you're on her side now?"

"Nick, what year is it?" Kevin asked far more calmly than he felt.

"What the fuck? It's 2011 dumbass and you need to leave me alone. This is my grandfather's funeral and you're causing a scene."

"It's not 2011, it's 2016. You're just a bit mixed up."

Brian wrapped his arm around Nick's shoulders. "Hey, calm down."

Nick tore away from both of them. Jane stared at her son unsure of what to do. She looked completely pained to watch him in such a state. Nick watched all of them suspiciously. He was confused. He thought he was at his grandfather's funeral. Yet, something about that felt off. Nick racked his brain for any realization and everything seemed to elude him. It killed him to know it was there but just beyond his grasp. He wasn't sure why he was here or what was going on. All he wanted was some answers and everyone was attacking him instead.

Leslie stood, and she hugged him. "Nick, it's okay. You're just a little mixed up." She whispered into his ear. "We're here for Aaron...this is his funeral, remember?"

No, I don't remember. My God, what's happening to me?

That was when he finally broke down and cried.