The weekends were better than the week days. The house was too still, too quiet on week days, and Kurt felt lonely. His daughter was still here, for now, and for that he was grateful, but she was 15 years old, and she wasn';t here all the time, and she stayed with Blaine sometimes too.
The apartment was too still.
He stood around most days after work, or in the mornings, just staring at nothing, listening and longing. It wasn't home anymore, nothing ever would be. His husband was gone, his life had changed forever.
His chest hurt constantly when he thought of his now ex husband, he hadn't spoken to, or seen Blaine since he left. He got the run down on how he was doing from his daughter, but it was all information that Blaine told her and most of it was bull.
Kurt knew that Blaine was probably sad like he was, after 20 years together it was a big change, but this was the sort of change that couldn't be reversed. Someone had put the stopper in Kurt's life, and now he was stuck.
He pawed over the front of his shirt, the skin of his chest was itching, right over his heart, and his rib cage felt too tight on him, all the time, like at any moment the sadness and loneliness would swallow him whole and his lungs would fail.
He glanced over to the dinner plates on the kitchen table, 2 of them, not 3 anymore. And he felt sick. He couldn't eat. Hadn't been able to without retching, which was why he usually told his daughter he had already eaten before she got home. Food tasted like ash, and his throat wouldn't swallow it, his stomach convulsing every time he tried, so every time he had to run to the bathroom and empty what was already empty.
He wasn't hungry though. But he was extremely tired.
He couldn't sleep, for a week straight he had been awake all night, staring into space like he would during the day. Sitting on the couch because he couldn't face going into that bedroom. He felt like he was losing the grip on his sanity, because after a while of no sleep he started getting used to it, and not being able to eat made him a little crazy.
He had been thinking up a lot of things, like some crazy reasons about getting Blaine back, singing to him, professing his undying devotion. But he laughed himself to tears every time he thought about it, because he knew without a doubt that he would be rejected. And Kurt couldn't handle rejection.
He was overly cheerful and bright when his daughter was around, he didn't want her to know there was a hint of sadness in him, he wanted to protect her, not put anything to heavy on her shoulders or make her feel like having her here wasn't enough. Because she was enough, he loved her so much.
She was his baby.
The only thing he had left in this whole world to call family.
Sure he had friends that he considered to be close, like Mercedes and Sam, maybe even Brittany, but Kurt knew that the only people he truly felt connected too, had been Blaine and their daughter.
Now it was just Elly, and Kurt didn't want to drive her away.
So he kept it inside, the depressing angry thoughts, the love sick despair, the loneliness, the sadness. Even his eyes had lost the sparkle but his bright smile in the mornings to greet her, masked it a little.
She had no idea, and that the way he wanted it to stay. He felt a little pathetic. People go through divorce and break ups all the time, even death of a spouse and come back up for air. Kurt didn't think he was able to.
It was like drowning, drowning in sorrow with no air in sight.
He walked slowly around the small kitchen that used to hold so many good memories, now it just reminds him of Blaine's face and his eyes when he told Kurt those 4 disastrous words.
4 words that cut into him, hurt him, almost killed him.
Kurt had thought by Blaine leaving, maybe he would realize that the decision was a good one, they would stop fighting, and be happier. But Kurt wasn't happy.
But who was he kidding, he hadn't been happy for years. This was just a major event that pushed him into despair.
He looked once more at his plate of dinner, and his stomach twisted in disgust, making him place a hand over his mouth to stifle the urge again, and he quickly grabbed the plate from the table and threw his dinner in the trash can before placing the plate in the sink.
Could life really get any worse?
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
"Morning daddy!"
"Morning baby," Kurt greeted back just as cheerfully, smiling widely at Elly as she sat at the table, "pancakes for breakfast?"
"Oh yes please."
She gave him a happy smile which he returned before turning to start the stove, and mixing up some batter. Trying not to choke as his stomach twisted at the smell of the cooking food.
"So what's on your agenda for the day baby?" He asked, willing his stomach to settle, picking up conversation with her for a distraction.
"Oh, well, I have that Volley ball game in the gym today after lunch," she explained and Kurt hummed along, "and then I was going to go and see daddy."
He remained quiet for a second or too, pushing down the sadness at the mention of Blaine and turned to grin at her.
"Oh, ok."
When he turned back to making her pancakes, he heard a little sigh from her, and waited for something else.
"Who do I live with?" Came her quiet question and it startled Kurt a little.
"What?" He said as he turned to face her, and she gave him a small smile.
"When daddy gets his own place and moves out of Rebecca's, who do I live with?" She asked again, and Kurt felt the fear hit him, making his chest hurt again.
He swallowed down the lump in his throat and shook his head a little, plating up her breakfast before turning and giving her a little sad smile.
"Well...that is totally up to you, sweetheart."
"Oh."
"I'm not going to force you to stay with me, if you want to go and live with daddy." Kurt told her, even though his head was screaming at him to tell her she had to stay, otherwise the loneliness would kill him.
"Hmm...I think I'll stay here for now."
He felt a breath of relief leave his lips, and he turned a bright smile at her again.
"Ok, that's fine too, daddy won't make you leave if you don't want to," He said as he placed her breakfast in front of her, and she gave a one shoulder shrug as he sat opposite her, "and I don't want you to feel like you have to pick one of us."
"What do you mean?" She asked curiously, and Kurt cleared his throat, which had unconsciously been closing up since having this conversation.
"You'll always have a place here, baby, always," he said to her as he tried to hold back the prickling behind his eyes, not wanting her to see how scared and worried he was of her choosing her father over him, and he took her hand, "but I'm sure that your father will make a room for you there too, and you can come and go when you want, to both of us."
"Like stay with daddy one week, and you the next?"
Sadness washed over him at her happy tone, when she realized she could come and go as she pleased. He didn't want her too, he wanted her here with him, always. But he wouldn't tell her that, he couldn't in good conscious, take her away from her father.
"If that's what you want." He said quietly and she nodded as she thought about it for a little while.
She began eating her pancakes with a thoughtful look, and Kurt felt his chest tighten again in pain. His stomach churned again with the amount of worry he was feeling, but he couldn't get up and go to the bathroom right now, not with her here. It would have to be pushed down. He could feel the saliva building up in his mouth, but forced himself to relax and breathe.
"I'll think about it." She said suddenly and Kurt startled again at her small timid voice, and he nodded.
"Ok."
