𝐋𝐮𝐬𝐜𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐚 𝐌𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐫𝐡𝐲𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐬 ʰʸᵘᶰᶜʰᵃᶰ ✓

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"You know ... what I mean is ... that-", he started, clearing his throat, "I'm sorry I ... don't really know how to explain this. I think I'm just ... a big ass jerk. "

Changbin chuckled at his own words, stopping the movement of his hands. "Ain't I?" He looked up at Felix, making him look back at him too - now for real.

Felix just continued to look at him for a few seconds before breathing in. "What do you mean?", He asked, leaning forward to get his coffee, taking a sip and leaning back again, keeping the coffee in his hands.

His opponent chewed on his lips, thinking about the words he could choose to say, that wouldn't make the situation too weird, too bad, avoiding eye contact again.

"Well ... you know. I kind of ... left you behind lately."

"Oh, yeah right." That spurted out of him way too fast and way too overemphasized. If it wasn't obvious that he was faking his serious behavior so far, by now it surely was. "Why's that?"

"Felix, seriously? You know exactly what I'm talking about and I know you noticed and I know it bothered you. Don't think I didn't notice the disappointed look on your face whenever I told you I couldn't come over after college. Whenever I told you that I didn't have any time for you or whenever I just left without talking to you. Don't think I didn't notice your bad mood every morning when I met you in college, the dark circles under your eyes. You got paler. You look sick. I know how you feel Felix, please don't play pretend. That hurts."

His words made Felix breathe heavily, looking down. His safe wall he kept upright just broke into a million little pieces of stone. Very heavy stones that crushed him. He was shaking, trying hard to hold back the tears he kept inside, and Changbin noticed. He got up and took the cup out of his hands, carefully placing it back on the table, kneeling down in front of the chair.

"I'm sorry. I just ... really need to explain."

"Please ... don't", Felix sniffled, a tear dropping down on his hands. He didn't look up, his voice was as quiet as a broken whisper, his words barely came out his mouth.

Changbin looked at him, not knowing what to say. He placed his hands on Felix's knees, licking his lips. His heart broke at the sound of Felix crying. He didn't want him to cry, even though Changbin was well aware of the fact that Felix was a very emotional person. He knew that Felix easily cried about things.

"Don't cry Felix, I should be the one who cries. I'm the one who's losing a precious person. You just lose a jerk."

The way he said it just made everything worse. Felix started crying more, grabbing his shirt tightly in his fists. No words left his lips, just heavy breaths and sobs that became louder with every passing second.

"I'm sorry ..."

"What ...", the younger tried to collect himself a little to speak up, even though it was hard to talk between all his sobs and breaths. "What d-did I do?"

The black-haired tilted his head a little, being slightly confused. "What did you do? What do you mean?"

Felix looked up, his red eyes meeting Changbin's. "What did I do for ... for y-you to leave me like th- like this? Wasn't I enough?"

God, how could he even dare to think that he was at fault when he was the most precious person on earth? - Changbin thought. "No, no Felix, don't think that!", he said, placing his hands on Felix's now. "I said I'm the jerk, you're gorgeous. You didn't do anything for me to act like this."

Felix looked at Changbin's hands, his breathing became slower as he snapped for air. He was scared. He didn't want to be in this situation. He didn't mind the evenings he spent crying over the characters in his books breaking up, because he was able to cry over them but still knew that he could see Changbin every morning in college, without being his ex-boyfriend. Even though he didn't have time for him, he was able to call him his boyfriend and knew that there was someone, who he could love and who loved him. But now, the evenings would get worse because now the books wouldn't just make him sad. They would remind him of his own relationship or, better said, his past relationship. That's what he feared the most.

"I just, got confused over the time. I felt like I lost my feelings towards y-"

"N-No, no stop", Felix interrupted him, jerkily pulling his hands away from Changbin's and keeping his eyes on them. "Don't ... don't say that. I don't wanna hear it!"

Changbin sighed and got up, pulling his jacket up from the couch. "I won't say it then. But don't call me your boyfriend from now on, okay?" His words sounded firm, steady, yet still somewhat soft and friendly, as if he wasn't asking but pleading.

"Can I ... still love you?" Felix looked up at him with his big, teary eyes. That was a plead. He looked like he needed a yes to survive.

"Why would you, after this? I'm leaving you heartbroken, without an explanation. Why would you still love me?"

That got Felix thinking, but not for long, because he always knew the answer to this question. He always knew why he was so much in love with Changbin.

"Because ... because I need y-you around me so I won't- I won't loose my smile", he said. "Or my life ... my hope. I- I love you just so much ..." His words got more and more quiet until Changbin was barely able to get what he was mumbling, but he could imagine what it was.

"Like a crush ... I could have a crush on you."

Changbin rolled his eyes, looking up while taking a breath. "Felix, that's not how it works. I'm breaking up because I need time. I need to rethink some of my decisions, I need to understand my feelings and I need to concentrate. That means you can't just run around 'crushing on me' and pull me out of my bubble. Whenever I see you I can't help but wanting to kiss you, at the same time this thought feel so wrong to me. You feel so wrong yet so right to me and whenever you pop up ... telling- telling me how much you love me, I get a headache b-because I want to return the love, but I can't. I can't give you ... what you're asking for."

He paused, breathing heavily. His eyes teared up with his words leaving his lips, some of them breaking from his loss of air.

"Just please, take a step ... back. I ... I need- God, I just need time, Felix. Please ..."

The younger sat there, staring at him. His eyes were empty, his lips slightly parted, his whole body shaking and tears blurring his sight. He didn't move a muscle, but what moved was a tear that silently rolled down his cheek, dripping off his chin onto his hand. It left a small, cold and wet spot on his thumb, making him twitch. He looked down at the glistening spot which slowly disappeared, drying on his burning skin. The air got stuffy around him and he felt cold. Icy cold, even though he was literally heating up. The whole room was silent, not a breath could be heard. Felix just kept staring at that one spot, that used to be wet a second ago. And Changbin kept looking down at him, tightly holding his jacket in one hand, the other hanging loose. He wasn't able to speak up. He wasn't able to do anything because it would have worsen the situation anyway, so he turned around, rushing out of his ex-boyfriend's room, closing the door with a loud bang. It made Felix flinch in his seat, but other than that he still didn't dare to move.

Changbin stood behind the door for a view minutes, breathing in and out heavily, his tears now rolling down his cheeks in streams. He didn't want to cry in front of Felix. He didn't plan on hurting him, but he wasn't able to keep his thoughts from him any longer. In the end, he regretted standing there. He regretted entering that book store as he saw Felix.

And Felix regretted going out to buy a new book, because he never finished any of the other ten books he owned. He just read to the point where his heart got broken the most, where he was able to shed the most tears. He never wanted to read the endings, because he knew everything would change and the books would have happy endings.

Instead of buying a new one, just to drown himself in sorrow, he could have read the endings, hoping that he could have a happy ending, too. But apparently, that's just what he was destined to do. Reading to the most hurtful parts to be prepared for the upcoming hell that awaited him.

After minutes of staring down at his thumb, he looked up at the books, then at the door. He stared at the door until his eyes dried out. He stared at the door, until he couldn't take it anymore. Until he really realized what happened.

"Okay ...", he breathed, answering Changbin, who left long ago, on his way to his own home.