All Up In My Head [Completed]

00 Him, Part I

Hindi ko sana tatanggapin pero mapilit ito. Ayokong makaramdam siya ng obligasyong ibalik lahat ng ginagawa ko para sa kanya. I did that because I want to. Not because I want something in return.

"Dumaan ang shooting star kanina. Mali ang araw na pinunta natin. Don't worry, I wished for the both of us."

When she gave me a chance, I promised to myself that I won't waste it. Ito na, binagay na sa'yo ang babaeng pinapangarap mo. Huwag ka nang maging gago.

"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know what I did to be this blessed. Hindi naman yata niligtas ang Pilipinas on my last life. Remember this, no matter what happens. No matter what I say or do, please believe me when I say that I truly love you."

No, Lila, I was the luckiest.

"What are the chances of me finding someone who loves unconditionally like you do? Probably, one in a million. I just got really like this time with you. I love you."

I was the luckiest until I grew tired of her. We were continents apart. What was I supposed to do? Noong mga panahong kinailangan ko ng kausap at karamay, parati siyang wala. Busy sa kanyang pag-aaral at trabaho. Busy din naman ako. I was working and finishing shits all day. Kahit isang tawag, wala akong makuha. I was always the one who initiates.

"Ewan, tama na, please. Naglolokohan na lang tayo dito eh."

She called me for the last time, crying, begging me to let her go. And so I gave her what she wanted in the first place. But I didn't give up. She did.

Anger was an understatement.

I dated a lot of girls like how I used to do and moved past her. That's how I thought, at least.

"Good morning..." She stirred beside me.

Bumangon ako at naupo. My head was throbbing hard.

"Raya," I called her.

She groaned beside me. "What? Let's sleep some more, please. Kakarating ko lang kahapon." She snaked her slender arms around my waist. Yeah. We had a rough night in bed. Mukhang kailangan ko na namang magpa-cleaning ng apartment.

Hiraya was my ex and I got back with her. Hindi ko alam. To move on with Lila? Possibly. Pero gusto ko rin naman si Raya. We were good friends since high school. Lahat ng kaibigan ko ay nagtaka nang maghiwalay kami. I just thought I was young and I still want to see more of the world. And yes, girls as well.

When she hit me up, after Lila and I ended, I instantly thought, this could be a chance for us. Maybe, I can learn to love her again. I did it the first time and I can do it again. Iyon ang inakala ko. I am an asshole, I know.

"Kailan ka ba babalik sa Pinas? Parati ka na lang palipat-lipat ng bansa. My family wants to meet you," she told me.

Kinabahan ako. Ganoon na ba kami katagal? How long did I put up with this? Long enough for her to think that I actually want to be part of her family, I guess.

"I saw them last Christmas," dahilan ko.

She let out a sigh. "I know pero iba pa rin 'yong nando'n ka, diba? I think you can land a very good position in my dad's company."

That would be a good idea but chances of seeing Lila was great. Lalo pa at— I don't want to risk it.

"And maybe, few years from now we'll settle down and have kids, right?"

Nagpantig ang tainga ko sa sinabi niya.

"Isn't it too soon? I mean we're still young and we have lots of things to do and opportunities to grab. And who knows maybe you and I—

"What are you trying to say here?" she asked, frowning.

I was trying to explain myself logically.

"Raya..." I tried to reach for her hand.

She gasped a little. "Uno, aren't we in the same page?"

"Of course, we are." Alam kong labas sa ilong ang pagkakasabi no'n. But I thought it was what she wanted to hear.

"Pero bakit parang ako lang ang kasali sa relasyong 'to? Am I not part of your plans?" Ramdam ko ang hinanakit sa boses niya.

"No, Raya. I just didn't expect that this talk will come so soon."

"I'm so stupid." Tumayo ito, sapo ang noo. "Maybe, you're still thinking of her? That Japanese girl that your cousin likes to talk about."

Natahimik ako. Hindi alam ang sasabihin. I have no excuse.

"Oh my god. You're not over her..." she whispered.

"I... I think I saw her few days ago."

Gusto kong bawiin. Another lie won't hurt, right? Another lie would save us, would save Raya from me.

"And what? You want to take her back again? Just like what you did with me?"

"I'm so sorry." Iyon lang ang tangi kong nasabi.

After that, we parted ways. For good.

Few days ago, when I was having my late afternoon jog, I saw Lila.

"Erick, can you take a photo of me? My mom would be so upset if I won't..."

I heard a familiar voice. Agad akong lumingon at hinanap iyon. Was this really her? Lila in flesh was here in Sydney. What was she doing here?

"Lila?" bulong ko sa sarili.

Nanigas lang ako sa kinatatayuan. She was with another man. Ito na ba ang bago niya? Wala na ba talaga akong puwang sa buhay mo, Lila? I wanted to intervene and to snatch her away from that man.

"Lila! Lila!" I keep calling but she can't seem to hear. I keep reaching for her hand but her figure slowly faded from the thin air. Tired, sweating and restless, I woke up from Shane's video call. Nakalimutan ko na namang patayin ang laptop.

"Hoy, Villavicencio, bumalik na si ate girl. Ayaw mo pa ring umuwi?" bungad nito.

"Hindi pa tapos kontrata ko dito," I replied.

"Balita ko nag-break raw kayo no'ng Raya?"

Alam na pala nito. Of course, it's been months when we ended things. Mas naging masama pa yata ang relasyon namin. I shouldn't have done that to her.

"Yeah. We called it quits."

"Ang gago mo talaga."

I know, I am.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. "Relationships end, Shane. Either you two aren't compatible or it just doesn't work."

"Okay, sabi mo eh. Pero balik ka na dito. Miss ka na namin. Pasalubong ha?"

Hindi ako bumalik. Hindi ako handang makita ulit si Lila. I was a mess for fuck's sake. I can't even shave my own face. Let alone make breakfast for myself. Anong mukha ang maihaharap ko sa kanya?

Lila, here I am. Take me back. I'm still not over you.

Gago ako para isiping may tsansa pa ako.

Mukhang may mahal na nga itong iba.

And the thought that it isn't me anymore, pains me more than anything.