↬ book reviews

@Bugsbase

- who is heaven? i'm not entirely sure if this was your intent, but so far, the best description i can give of heaven is "crazy bitch." i mean that in the nicest way possible (lmao). she just goes down on chloe within days of knowing her and then gets all sassy, expecting "pussy" back and being overall just very toxic to chloe. if we want to like her, she's gotta be accepting of chloe's needs and her coming to terms with her sexuality. if we aren't supposed to like her, then keep that general aura, but here's the thing: she's gotta be pushy. and this is where chloe's personality comes in: if she's a pushover, this whole situation is sexual assault and that would require the plot turning into a whole entirely separate ordeal. if she stands up for herself, though, we can roll with that a bit better. nonetheless, it would still turn into a sexual assault situation because heaven is pushing herself onto chloe without consent. (plus if they're underage, this is illegal!!)

- personalities! so far, i really don't know much about any of your characters. give me details about who they are, not just what they look like! and tell us through the way they act and what they say! bailee and james got thrown to the side almost immediately :( these are your characters, so develop them and love them with all of your heart. give them backgrounds and stories and little quirks!!!!!

- smut... okay. so. this is a coming of age story, right? if you're serious about this book, then (in my opinion, and like... legally i'm pretty sure) there cannot be smut in it. they are underage (dependent on location), and it is therefore illegal (unless they've just come of age, but even then, it sorta takes away from the whole coming of age piece of the story). this is a story about a teenager coming to terms with her sexuality, right? she's not gonna have sex with a girl in the second chapter. i think if it's an adult exploring their sexuality, then sure! fifty shades of grey it up! but as of now, the whole sex thing literal days after meeting and when you're underage and unsure of your sexuality? catches everyone off-guard and is simply not realistic :/ 

- technicalities !!!!!! honestly, i'm just gonna list everything that needs work and i don't mean it in a harsh way. these are things that you learn in english class/as you go through life and simply progress on as you write. it takes a lot of time and practice. work on: run-on/incomplete sentences, sentence type/length variation, punctuation, grammar, figurative language.... anything else like that. all the things along those lines i highly recommend looking into and referring to professionally published books to become familiar with.

AN EXAMPLE OF HOW I WOULD REWRITE USING THESE TIPS:
i just rewrote the beginning of the book how i would've done it :) please note i'm just turning the characters into how i think they should act based off of their descriptions, so don't get mad at me in case they're not who you meant them to be!! i'm simply developing little backstories as we go.

when the school counselor announced the totally-uncalled-for wave of new schedules being handed out, i decided i was done with this school. it's put me through enough. winter break ended in an uproar of "fuck you, chloe," and "she's such a bitch" after rachel decided she'd start a bunch of rumors about me. 

and, because everyone loves rachel because she's oh-so-perfect-and-never-does-anything-wrong, the school turned against me. 

so here i sit, deprived of my best friends (who honestly weren't that great anyways), on the bleachers as i wait for the schedule that will hopefully keep me out of harm's way. knowing my luck, though, i'll probably have a class with each of those bitches. 

a girl with a satisfyingly slicked back ponytail plops down next to me. i flinch. here we go. 

"hi, i'm heaven." she smiles sweetly at me, holding out a hand. 

i feel like i can't breathe. 

a tall boy with a fresh fade and a girl with straight honey-colored hair approach from behind her with nice looks on their faces. they appear relatively harmless, but at this point, anything could happen. i return my gaze to heaven, unsure if my racing heart is from the possible threat awaiting me or just because she is really really pretty and oh my god a girl has never made me feel this way...

that's just my take on it!! if you do decide to edit your story and want to use this exact bit, tag me in it so i have credit for writing it <3

final words...
- you have good intentions. you've got the storyline, you know what you want to happen, all you gotta do is break it down and really get into the technicalities of writing! it comes with practice. it was all just very rushed and had little background and/or buildup towards major plotlines within the story, along with grammatical errors. overall, you've got a GREAT storyline and an amazing message (aka so so SO much potential), you just need to improve your writing skills. please don't give up!!!! i really think this book could be absolutely amazing, just keep writing and improving and pay attention in english class lol !!