The girl who just can't move

The girl who just can't move (Six)

Robi's

Another barkada lunch was held at Anton and Rika's place, and as usual, wala na naman si Ian. Hindi ko alam kung busy talaga sya with the Pastels or ginagawa na lang nyang excuse yun para hindi kami magkita. The happy couples played another couple game. Minsan naiisip ko sinasadya nila maglaro ng ganun para mang-asar. Trey followed wherever the hell her PA went. Naiwan akong loner sa sala kasama ang mga happy people na naglalaro ng happy game nila. I stood up and just left. I walked to the gates of the village and hailed a bus. I just want to go home and breathe. I sat at the very back of the bus. Then, I realized that it was our bus. Ian and mine. 

"You're the one who left, but why does it feel like I'm the one who's lost?" 

Another one of Ian's writings on this bus. I traced those words with my finger, and it pierced right through my heart. Kung malungkot ako ngayon, paano pa kaya si Ian noon? Kung nagawa nya isulat yung kalungkutan nya sa bawat upuan dito, baka nga wala pa sa kalingkingan yung sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon.

I took out a marker and wrote: "I'm back now... You were never lost, because you have always stayed in my heart..."

IAN's

It's been a while since I last bonded with Neon. I really miss those guys, but everytime I'm with them, I can't help but feel jealous. Lahat kasi sila masaya na. Trey seems to be doing well now- thanks to her PA whom I haven't met yet. I'm very much thankful to Rika for making me The Pastel's road manager. The band and I are always on the road, going from one gig to another. It helps that I'm always busy. It gets my mind off of the fact that I still feel empty- that deep inside, I still wanted to scream and die.

I was shopping for Neon's press con clothes when I bumped into that person I forgot I really missed. James. I haven't seen him for almost a month now. 

"I almost went to the police station and filed for missing person. Kala ko naglayas ka na naman papunta sa kabilang lupalop ng mundo." James messd my hair.

"Namiss mo ko?" I grinned.

"Oo naman. Alika nga dito." James grabbed my wrist and pulled me close to him and hugged me. "Miss na miss na kita."

I hugged him back.

"Ako din. Miss na miss na kita." 

"Teka. Ang payat mo na ah. Hindi ka ba pinapakain ng Pastels?" James asked a little irritated.

"Huh? Pano mo naman nasabing pumayat ako?"

"Dati pag inaakap kita kalahati ng braso ko yung nagpapang-abot. Ngayon ¾ na ng braso ko yung nagpapang-abot. Alika nga. Sumama ka sakin." He grabbed my wrist again and dragged me.

"Aray naman! San ba tayo pupunta?"

"Papakainin kita. Kailangan bumalik sa dating sukat yung yakap ko sayo."

"OA mo!"

We stopped at a restaurant called Green Tomato. We sat down and the waiter gave us the menu. I was going topen it when James took it away from me.

"Ako ang oorder." James said.

"Eh ako naman yung kakain eh." I objected.

"Ako naman magbabayad."

"Excuse you! Kaya ko magbayad. Mayaman ako noh. I have 3 jobs, remember?"

"3 jobs?" James was confused.

"Oo. Neon's stylist, The Pastel's stylist and road manager."

"Wah... Magkano kinikita mo? Magwawala ako kung kasing laki yan ng pinagsama-samang sweldo ng Neon yan."

"Wag kang OA! At ano naman kung ganun kalaki yung kitain ko?! Di hamak naman na mas masipag ako sa inyo noh. HMP!"

"Galit ka na nyan?"

"Hindi... Pero namiss kita ng ganito kalaki!" I spread my arms in glee.

"Ganyan lang kalaki? Ako namiss kita simula basement hanggang rooftop ng mall na 'to. Ganun kalaki yung pagka-miss ko sayo..." James said a little exaggerated.

I laughed.

"Gaano na ba kayo katagal ng The Pastels?" He asked.

"Magfa-five months na."

"So, ganun mo na pala kami katagal inabandona?"

"Inabandona ka dyan?!"

"OPO! Wala ng personal touch yung pagiging stylist mo samin. Tapos, lahat ng barkada lunch natin binoycot mo. Hindi ba abandonment ang tawag dun? I-fire ka na lang kaya namin para magkaroon ka ng time para samin?"

"Hoy! Wag naman! Kailangan ko mag-ipon para sa next tour ko noh."

"Tour?"

"Tour. Gusto ko kasi mag-travel ulit."

"Bakit? Tinotopak ka na naman?"

"No... Hindi ako tinotopak... Gusto ko lang makita yung mga dapat kong nakita noon. I want to see those places again. This time gusto ko, sober ako."

"Sober? Bakit? Lasing ka ba nung nag-tour ka?"

"Basta! Mahabang storya. Mag-order ka na nga... Gutom na ko eh."

"Ganyan ba ang mayaman? Gutom?"

"Wala naman kasing nag-aalaga sakin, hindi katulad nyo."

"Nakuuu...Tampurorot na naman si baby Ian namin..."

"Hindi po."

He gave our orders to the waiter.

"Ikaw naman 'tong lumalayo samin eh." James said.

"Hindi ako lumalayo. Busy lang talaga ako."

"Eh ano yung coffee nights and swing afternoons nyo ni Kerky? It was all over the news. Muka namang napapangiti ka nya."

"He does..." I smiled. "Alam mo bang org mate ko sya dati sa theatre? Sya lagi yung musical director namin and he composed a song for me dun sa play namin. He supplies me with gummy bears and Chuckie too. Kerky is a really nice guy."

"Ikaw ha... Ipagpapalit mo na kami sa Pastels na yan."

"Okay lang yun... Pinagpalit nyo naman na ko sa mga asawa nyo eh."

"Ian..." He sighed.

"Joke lang! Naiintindihan ko naman kayo eh. Hirap lang siguro ako tanggapin na hindi na ako yung number 1 girl nyo. Namimiss ko din naman yung mga times na inaalagaan nyo ko. Namimiss ko nung ako lang yung girlfriend nyong lahat. Pero, hindi lang din naman kasi sakin umiikot yung mundo diba? Masaya ako kasi, kahit papano, nararamdaman ko kila Caleb yung samahan natin dati. They take care of me."

"May 'take care' ba na ginugutom? Dun ka na lang nga sa Pastels mo... Kalimutan mo na kami."

"Ang arte... Ganyan ba pag may asawa? Nagiging madrama?"

"Ganyan ba pag madaming pera? Kinakalimutan na yung mga kaibigan?"

"Hindi naman kaya. Nandito kayo lahat sa bulsa ko."

"Sa bulsa mo? Hind ba dapat sa puso mo?"

"Sa bulsa ko." I took out something from my pocket and handed it to him.

"Huh! Bakit wala kaming kopya nito? Talagang kumpleto ah. Even Robi is here."

"Well... He's a Neon, diba?"

"I think we should post this on the website."

I took the picture from him.

"Ayoko nga. Dito lang yan sa bulsa ko."

"Damot... Ian..."

"Ano yun?"

"Kumusta ka? I mean, anon a bang nangyayari sayo besides the obvious? Anong nararamdaman mo?"

I didn't know how to answer James. I turned away and took a deep breath. I faced him again and smiled.

"Naaalala mo ba nung sinabi ko sayo na kung nakilala kita sa ibang panahon or sa ibang pagkakataon, ikaw ang mamahalin ko? Pano kung sabihin ko sayo na nakilala kita sa ibang pagkakataon? I mean sa ibang... What's the right term? Sa ibang katauhan?"

"Hindi ko gets." James had 'confused' written on his forehead.

"It's Kerky. You guys are so alike. He understands me. Nababasa nya ko the way you do. Alam nyo kung kelan gusto ko lang ng makikinig sakin or kung kelan ko kailangan ng payo. He makes me feel better, just like you do. Hindi nga lang nya kamuka si Gu Jun Pyo, but he looks like Dao Ming Si."

"Dao Ming Si?"

"Taiwanese counterpart ni Gu Jun Pyo. Mas gwapo nga lang si Jun Pyo, pero mas macho naman si Dao Ming Si."

"Anong ibig mong sabihin? Mas macho yung Kerky mo kesa sakin?"

"Oo eh. Yummy sya."

"Hoy! Seven deadly sins yan! LUST!"

"Talagang kailangan sinisigaw in public?! I'm not lusting over him... It's just that, with Kerky, parang okay lang ako. Hindi ko masyado nararamdaman yung sakit dito sa puso ko. Hindi ba, good sign yun? Ibig sabihin may pag-asa pa ko. May pag-asa pa na maging okay yung puso ko. Maybe Kerky can make it happen for me."

"I'm glad that he makes you feel better. But are you ready to settle with 'okay' lang? Ian-yan, 'okay' is still far from 'happy'. Life shouldn't be settled with a rating of 'okay'. It should be rated with the highest rates."

"James... After everything I've been through, of knowing how much will it cost me to get that happiness, I think I'll be willing to settle with 'okay lang'."

"Ian... I wish you the same happiness that Zach, Anton, Ali and I are feeling right now. And even the happiness that Trey felt when he married Angelika. Gusto kong maramdaman mo yun kasi it's the best feeling of all- yung parang you've gone to heaven and back. It's feeling that's enough to last you two lifetimes. That's how wonderful and magical life can be. Don't settle with 'okay' lang... Please, Ian-yan?" He messed my hair again.

I smiled at him.

"I'll try..."

"Chicken Parmigiana, Osso Buco, Shrimp and Feta, Sundried Tomatoes and Pesto." The waiter said as he laid out James' orders.

"Last Supper?" I whispered.

"Ayokong nagugutom ka eh. At lalong ayoko na ipagpalit mo kami sa Pastels na yun. Di hamak naman na mas gwapo kami dun noh."

"Hindi rin..."

"Ikaw, pinagpapalit mo na talaga kami!"

-----------------------
Robi's

It's Trey's birthday. Another agonizing barkada lunch. Sabi nila Zach birthday celebration ni Trey, but I have this feeling that it will be another couple show off day- and another day wishing for Ian to walk in the God damned door. All the couples were settled on the couch already when I arrived. 

"Where's the birthday dude?" I asked glumly.

"Who knows? We've been calling him kanina pa but he's not answering." Rika said.

"Why not call her PA since close na close na sila nun?" I suggested sarcastically.

"Oo nga noh... Why haven't we thought of it kanina?" Rapah said. "Ate Riks, call Jenny."

Rika took her phone and dialled.

"Beer please." I sighed.

"Robi... Maaga pa para uminom." Audrina said a little worried.

"Fine... Chuckie, please..." I said.

"Better..."Audrina smiled. "Yaya... Pakuha naman ng Chuckie si Robi."

The maid approached us.

"Eh, mam, wala naman po tayo nun. Medyo matagal pa naman bago lumabas si baby Zach kaya hindi pa ko nag-go-grocery para sa kanya." The maid explained.

"It's okei... Tubig na lang." I smiled half- heartedly.

"Uhmm... Yaya, bili ka na lang. Here." Audrina handed her the money. "Robi... Cheer up a little."

"I swear, I'm trying." 

"Try harder." Audrina smiled.

"Hindi rin sinasagot ni Jenny yung phone nya." Rika announced.

"Jenny, who?" Someone asked from behind.

We all turned around to see who it was. I froze.

"IAN-YAN!!!" Everyone screamed and stood up. 

They ran to where she was standing and hugged her.

"Kala ko bo-boycotin mo na naman kami." James said.

"Mag-drama at mag-inarte ka ba naman nung isang araw eh... Baka kasuhan mo pa ko ng abandonment. Sayang ang career." Ian said and stuck her tongue out. "Where's Trey?"

"Who knows..." Rapah exasperated. "I missed you, Ian-yan!" She hugged Ian again. "Wait... Sino sya?" Rapah pointed at the guy by the door.

"Oh... I almost forgot." Ian ran to the guy, grabbed his wrist and dragged him to where we were. "Guys, I want you to meet Kerky. Kerky, meet Neon and the lucky love of their lives."

"Hi. Uhmm... Hinatid ko lang talaga si Ian. Sige, mauna na ko. Band practice." Kerky said.

"Wait. Nandito ka na rin lang, join us for lunch na." Rika suggested.

"Wag na. Mukang may pupuntahan pa yan eh." I interfered. "Sige, dude. Ingat ka ha."

"Kerky, stay for a while." Ian held his arm.

I had to take a deep breath to keep myself from punching Kerky's face.

"It seems like Trey and Jenny aren't going to show up, so let's go eat." Zach suggested.

I could feel that he was trying to divert the tension away.

We went to the dining room. I was the last to walk there. Everyone was already seated. Then, I realized there weren't any chairs left.

"Even numbers ba talaga 'tong mga upuan sa inyo?" I asked Zach sarcastically. 

"Sorry. Kala kasi namin another MIA day si Ian eh. And we weren't expecting that she'll bring someone along." Audrina explained. "Manang, pakuha naman ng chair si Robi."

Manang dragged a chair for me.

"Thanks." I pulled the chair beside Ian's.

Awkward silence.

"Parang...Never mind... I'll keep my mouth shut now." Ali said.

"Kain ka lang." Ian told Kerky. "Try mo yung pasta. Masarap yan for sure."

"Oo nga. Kain ka na, baka mahuli ka pa sa rehearsal nyo." I added.

Awkward silence again.

"Parang..." Rapah said and turned to Ali.

"Kung ano man yung sasabihin mo, ibulsa mo na lang. Wag ka na magsalita." Ali told Rapah.

Kerky took the bowl of pasta and filled a fourth of Ian's plate.

"Mahilig si Ian sa pasta. Kulang yan. Gusto mo ba sya gutumin?" I asked him a bit irritated.

"Okay lang. Marami naman kasing niluto si Audrina. Gusto ko tikman lahat." Ian explained.

"Hmmm... Parang... alam ko na yung 'parang' nyo Ali and Rapah." James said.

Irish nudged James.

"Uhmm... Eto. Sigurado masarap 'to" Kerky took the plateful of baked mussels and put some on Ian's plate.

Everyone dropped their spoon and forks and stared at Kerky.

"Papatayin mo ba sya sa harap namin? Allergic si Ian sa tahong. Kahit isang piraso lang, hinihingal na sya." I said as I picked out the mussels on Ian's plate. "Ang gusto nya, ito... Fried chicken. Barbeque. Sugpo. More pasta." I said as I filled Ian's plate.

"Hmmm... Kinakabahan ako...Parang napanood ko na 'to eh." Anton said. "Kimerald?"

"Hindi eh." Rika said. "Enchong-Erich?"

"Hindi noh... Juday-Piolo?" Zach kind of guessing.

"Mas lalong hindi... Sarah- John Lloyd?" Audrina was trying to guess too.

"Mali kayong lahat. Bea-John Lloyd yan." Rapah said.

"Anong pinagsasasabi nyo?" Ian asked in confusion. 

"Uhm... Bea-John Lloyd movie. One More Chance. Best pinoy movie of all time." Ali said.

"Hindi kaya." Ian objected. "Rico- Claudine's Got to Believe, is the best Pinoy movie ever. And tungkol saan ba yung movie na yun?"

"What?! You mean hindi mo pa napapanood yung movie na yun?!" Rapah gasped.

Ian shook her head.

"Irish, ilabas ang laptop." Rika ordered.

Irish stood up and walked to Ian.

"Kerky, dyan ka muna ha. Io-orient ko lang si Ian sa One More Chance. Robi, try not to kill Kerky. Guys, paki tali kung kinakailangan ha."

Ian stood up and left the room with Irish.

----------------

"You look great, Irish. Wait... Don't tell me you're pregnant too. I seem to be getting that news quite often." I said as we waited for the movie to load.

"No. Gusto muna namin enjoy-in yung kami lang dalawa. But then again, if it comes, it comes. A baby would be really lovely... Ayan na. I-skip ko na lang dun sa part na parang nangyayari kanina dun ha." Irish said.

"Okay." 

We watched this scene where the group was eating in some sort of a bistro. John Lloyd who looked so rugged was acting bitter towards Bea and the guy he's with. Then I realized, para ngang kami yun kanina. The next scene made me tear up a bit, especially when the rugged Popoy bursted saying "Mahal kita... At ang sakit-sakit na..."

"I swear, ganyan ang mangyayari kung hindi mapipigilan si Robi... Ian, hindi mo ba talaga kayang patawarin si Robi? Hindi mo na ba sya mahal?"

"Irish... Kailangan ko pa ba sagutin kung mahal ko pa sya? Alam mo naman yung sagot dun eh." I tried to smile. "It's just that, hanggang ngayon, masakit pa din eh. I can't go on loving him with the fear of dying once he hurt me again. I miss him. Yet, I'm scared of being with him. Para kong nilalagay sa piligro yung puso ko sa tuwing magkakalapit kami. Alam mo bang pinilit lang ako ni Kerky pumunta ngayon? Sabi nya kasi, hindi ko pwedeng i-layo yug sarili ko sa inyong lahat dahil lang sa ayokong magkalapit kami ni Robi. Na kahit pag-bali-baligtarin ko yung mundo, iisa pa din yung iniikutan namin ni Robi."

"I know, mahirap yung hihilingin ko sayo, pero kung hindi mo kaya ipakita na mahal mo pa si Robi, sana kahit i-trato mo na lang syang kaibigan. He's been feeling like an outsider sa Neon, kaya sana wag mo na sya gawing outsider sa buhay mo... Please, Ian?"

I know how much it hurts to be pushed away by someone you love. Masakit masyado yun. Do I want him to feel that same pain kahit pa sya mismo yung nagparamdam sakin nun? No... Even after all the pain he has put me through, ayoko pa din sya masaktan... Ano ba 'tong puso na to? Maging bato ka naman kahit konti.

"Okay..." I smiled reassuringly.

"Thanks." Irish said and hugged me. "Ayoko lang kasi na malungkot si Robi just the way James doesn't want you to be sad."

We went back to the dining room. I sat in between Kerky and Robi again. I took a dep breath and smiled.

"Sorry guys, Got to Believe pa din ako. Masyado mabigat sa puso yung movie nyo eh. And I really think the Enchong- Erich team is better." I took a bite of the pasta. "Namiss ko yung luto mo, Drins."

"Thanks." Audrina said.

Robi was just staring at me. I turned to him. Then, I took the pasta bowl and filled Robi's plate.

"Mahilig ka din sa pasta diba. Ayan... Kain ka na." I told Robi.

Everyone dropped their spoon and forks again and stared at me. I took a deep breath. I don't want Robi to burst like that. I don't want him to fall apart the way Popoy did. I can't erase the fact that I still care for him.

"Ma'am Audrina, wala pong Chuckie sa tindahan eh. Lima na po yung napuntahan ko, wala talaga." The maid said.

"Ah. Sige. Bigyan mo na lang ng juice si Robi. I hope that's okay with you, Robi?" Audrina said.

Robi looked down to his food and started twirling the pasta with his fork.

I reached in my bag and handed him my Chuckie.

"Here. You can have mine..." I offered. 

He took it and punched the straw in. He took a sip. Then, Kerky placed a carton of Chuckie in front of me.

"Thanks." I said.

Robi took a long sip until he finished the whole carton. I took the Chuckie that Kerky gave me and handed it to Robi.

"Gusto mo pa?" I offered.

"Wag na. Okay na ko. Baka pag ininom ko yan, sumama na naman yung pakiramdam ko. Guys, dun na lang ako kakain sa sala. Hindi ako belong dito eh." Robi stood up, took his plate and left the room.

Ganun ba kasakit yung nararamdaman nya kaya sobra din akong nasasaktan ngayon?