Unlovable

21. The Session

I sit up, confused and vaguely aware of my surroundings. A blanket slips down off my shoulders as I do so. What time is it? What day is it? Where's Ezra? My phone has generously been placed on the coffee table in front of me. I reach for it and pull it in my lap. Clicking it on, I notice I've slept through yesterday and it is very early on a Thursday morning. Which likely means Ezra is in bed. I sigh at myself with annoyance.

I brush the blanket off of me and it lands in a heap on the ground with a muted thump. I stand, my joints aching. I practically hear my knees creak. The kitchen is still dark because it's so early. I flick on the light and make my way to the fridge. I'm so hungry, it all looks appetizing. I settle on cutting up bananas and strawberries to make a little fruit salad. It'd be better blended into a smoothie, but at this time? I pad back out to the living room and drape the blanket over my legs on the couch.

This may be the fastest I've ever rebounded after a numb day. God, I really was an ass yesterday. I hope Ezra isn't too angry with me, because I definitely deserve it. Well, actually, I kinda hope she is angry. It'd be better than having her be okay with it. Amber was always so, so angry. I can't believe I'd ever compare Ezra to her. Ezra is sweet, calm, affectionate and understanding beyond belief. Maybe I need more work than I thought with this whole loving and actually good relationship.

Well. What to do with myself? I tap my knees thoughtfully. No better way to cure sore muscles than exercise, right? I push the plush blanket off once more and quietly make my way to my room to throw on a clean pair of sweats and a hoodie. Brooklyn days can be cold, but mornings? Even more so. I connect my Bluetooth headphones to my phone and turn on my running playlist. At the street, I look around for a moment before turning left and start running.

My ponytail bobs behind my as I jaunt down the road. This early, the only people out are other joggers. I flash a smile at a couple of girls talking animatedly as they pass me. Per Ezra's suggestion, several Colbie Calliat songs have been added to my playlist. I am reminded of the morning I woke in her room when Falling For You comes through my ear buds.

Glowing sunlight illuminating the room as a girl with long blonde hair sings loudly. Her hazel eyes shimmer in the mirror and she smiles at me, a smile that shines brighter than the warm light filling the room.

I weave around a mother and child kneeling on the side of the sidewalk. I really have it good, don't I? So why did yesterday happen? It is hard to even believe myself that amidst this sweet relationship I have now, I ended up numb. How? It was so frequent when I was with Amber, because I shut off my feelings and emotions so often. I had to try not to feel upset when she yelled, crushed when she lectured me, pain when she hurt me. I had to fight the numb days for the sake of avoiding more injuries, waiting until a day to myself to completely lose all feeling. My breath quickens and I increase my speed. Ezra is constantly loving, and patient. Cradling me after a nightmare, asking questions and expressing curiosities to better understand my situation. Doing cute, sweet, little things that make the biggest difference in my day like leaving a sticky note on my laptop screen, or a cup of my favorite tea when I'm editing. My eyesight blurs slightly and the sign across the street wiggles. I feel a squeezing sensation in my chest.

What is happening that would cause me to relapse like this?

"Adora, I really can't say for sure. I'm sorry." My shoulders sag as I stare down at my hands in my lap. Jeanie, my therapist looks over at me with sympathy. "From what you've told me, things are doing good. You're happy, in a healthy relationship, and doing well with your career. And addressing your earlier idea, the nightmares are apart of the relapse. Not the cause."