Unfiltered Honest Opinions//OPEN

i. B e t r a y a l ~ Amelia Struble

AmeliaStruble4

Blurb/synopsis:

21 year old Lea has been with her boyfriend for 15 years. She got cheated on and dumped into the streets by him. Luckily, her best friend takes her in and helps her get better, with the help of Corner's co-workers.

|m y |r e v i e w s|
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THE BLURB

The blurb gives out way too much information, and not the right information. It basically tell the whole story. Like for instance, "21 year old Lea has been with her boyfriend for 15 years." Is that really important information? We don't really need to know her age right away. That's something you weave in the story. Like a dialogue or a birthday.

Also, it says, "she got cheated on in dumped into the streets by him" I saw a couple things wrong with this sentence. For starters, this tells the story. You wouldn't want to read a book already knowing the twist. You want to keep the synopsis vague, yet intriguing. Give it a jist. Tell us about what she's going to struggle with. It not only foreshadows parts of the stories but leaves you wondering "what went down that was so bad?"

Another thing that was wrong with it was the formatting. You need to take out the "by him" part because it provides more unnecessary information. It also makes the sense longer, and the extra just isn't necessary.

Who the heck is Conner? Girl you know I love ya, butttt You can't bring him into the blurb without us knowing who he is! Then it's like a huh? Moment. I had to go back and double check that I hadn't missed something.

Overall your blurb wasn't that bad. Just needs some restructuring and some rewording.

Here's a couple examples:

"Hazel Levesque has hit an all time low.

Her boyfriend might be crushing on their friend Reyna, her brother has gone missing again, her dead sister is haunting her, and her deadbeat (and did she mention godly?) dad is suddenly trying to barge back into her life after being there on and off for 12 years. And that's just the beginning.

When Hazel is given a 4 person quest, she doesn't think life could possibly get any worse. Now, someone's life is literally placed in her hands, and she's the only one that can make,

The choice.

Will Hazel prevail, and finally take control of her life? Or will she forever live at the edge of uncertainty?"

And yes, that is my own book, lol.

Notice I didn't give too much away? Looking at this you get the jist, she's faced with a prophecy and she'll eventually have to make a choice. Not too much, not too little. And at the end it leaves you wondering.

Here's another great blurb example:
booklored Getting Wilder
(It's awesome btw. Would reccomend)

T

he blurb is mysterious and it gives you the jist of the story. Something goes down, things only go down from there. The protagonist is met with these feelings--but it never gives away the gut of the story. Comment for questions. And I know writing a blurb is hard work. You have to find that perfect balance between not too much and not too littlem

THE GRAMMAR

There were grammatical mistakes in there, but overall it was pretty okay. One thing did bother me a bit. You sentence said. "I work from home. I am a journalist." It sounds a bit... robotic like to me. Kind of mechanical. Instead of that, how about "I work from home as a journalist." See how one sounds more "real" than the other?

THE STORY FLOW

The flow went really well at first!  A few bumps in the road but it was great! I loved the hint at the beginning that things were going to take a turn for the worst. But then we got hint, after hint. Like from the point it was no longer a hint anymore. And from the blurb, we know exactly what'll happen. It goes from foreshadow to bright neon green flags in your face.

You also switched from past tense to current time veeery often. For instance,
"I didn't know it at the time, but today would..." so is it written in past tense or present? That's very confusing.

Again you mention a Conner, but we still don't know who he is. Is it the boyfriend? A mutual friend? The narrator watches him drive away, and then gets into a taxi with someone? Who? And then you talk about Conner's coworkers being surprised that they're there, and then you talk about how forgetful Conner is. And then it makes us readers go: wait so are we talking to Conner now? Or the co-worker?

In the beginning everything was great. A little fast paced but overall really good. But as you read on, the structure continuously deteriorated until you were just sitting there scratching your head. It all just like of fell apart, and then came back together again... just to fall apart, you know? Overall it wasn't bad. It just needs some work. This story has a lot of potential. It just needs an extra boost. Just remember, you have to write as if you're the reader. You have to pretend that you don't know so that the real readers aren't confused because you're kind of just assuming we'll figure it out along the way.

THE CHARACTERS

You didn't really give us any real information about the characters, affecting the pacing. You were more focused on rushing the plots than providing us some character information.

THE PLOT

The plot wasn't bad. A lot of it affected the blurb though. Because the cheating was supposed to be this like surprised moment but we'd already known about it.

Girly I love ya, but the plot went way too fast. It went from 0-100 in no time flat. And not really in the good way. We don't see any structuring or detail. Even the cheat scene was kind of like over and out. All we hear someone on his desk, dropping a sandwich, running, arguing, breakup. I want to hear about the woman. I never really got to settle into the story because it was all just so fast.

|o f f i c i a l | r e v i e w|

Your story isn't horrible at all. It has lots of potential but it needs a lot of work in grammar, structuring, pacing. I'd just suggest you don't give away so much information right off the bat. Besides that I liked your entry! Good luck on your journey!