NOT HIS TO CARE

8.TIRED

I haven't been out of our bedroom since the last time I laid my back on the bed.
I don't know what is happening downstairs because last night in the midst of darkness in the entire house , I heard some voices and raffling sounds.

But I m too lost in my thoughts to look for it. Although the pillow I m hugging doesn't smell like my dead fiancee anymore , I could not bring it myself to part it away from my chest. It helps me feels atlest something.

I haven't changed my clothes either. I reek right now. But I m too tired to clean myself.
I m tired of living.

'Is Ray thinking about me too?'

'Is he also sad for being apart from me?'

'Does he wants to come back to me?'

'Or is he waiting for me to join him?'

'Maybe he wants us to become forever and so this is way  a  of indicating me to join after him?'

I have been thinking and thinking and thinking. Now thinking makes me so sick. I want it to stop. But I just can't. Sometimes I just scream loud in the dark to see if I m still breathing or already dead.

I feel like I m just bones and flesh breathing when my soul is out there finding Ray.

I also did think of letting go as I see the sun rise through the curtain as another dark night passes by but I just can't.

'How could I let it go?'

'All I have ever known or planned is to love him?'

' Now what I m supposed to do ?'

My living purpose has vanished. My dreams shattered. My hopes have left my dead soul.  Its like I m an empty cell now only staring up the white flawless ceiling.

Closing my eyes gives me disturbing thoughts. They mock me reminding with mine and Ray's golden days. I feel like ending my damn life.

'Is it an indication of being with him again?'

'Maybe its an insight to being together with Ray again?'

'Should I end my life as it has nothing to do anyway?'

Living further is like looking forward for only endless darkness and despair mixed with agony and grief. Ending my life seems like opening the door to new possibilities. Possibility of uniting with Ray again. But this time for forever without the fear of parting ever again.

I see the fan hanging up on the ceiling attracting my eyes for sometimes now. I tightly grasp my duvet covering my  entire body and hiding my face in it.

'Maybe its time now. '

'Its my time to take the chance of life and death to be with Ray forever.'

Being together with only him has echoed in my entire mind and body. And this is the only way. I have no one to worry about me either. When mom and dad left me , Ray came along like an angel and now after him , I have no one. I have no one to cry for me , laugh with me or love me.

I hear my inner voice asking me to do it.  Nothing can change my mind anymore. Living is not worthy without Ray. And I shall not .

I close my eyes inhaling in and out and then open it again only to see the black fan dyeheartedly calling out for me.

"I love you Ray." I said and get up finally.

*******

Yet Another update.

Are you happy guys??

Ignore the mistakes in the chapter for it has been completed just a few minutes before uploading it.

This book has not got the attention it deserves maybe because I have been too focused on my 1st book.

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😚Chaya