The Red Emperor and I [Akashi Seijuro FanFiction]

( ●◡○)✄ Chapter 30: Roulette of Emotion

"What?" Akashi questioned in a low voice, not making any attempts to face me. He didn't make it obvious but we both knew he was well aware that something like this would happen sooner or later. He is Akashi Seijuro after all.

Eyes glued on the ground, "I need to tell you something," I replied with the same low voice, as if letting my voice fading along my the wind that night. When I received no arguments, I took it as the cue to tell the feeling I kept inside.

Music from the field continued to play, reaching me as I prepared myself for my next words.  My throat felt dry as I let out a shaky breath. This was my chance; whatever the outcome might be, I would accept it. Raising my head, I displayed a smile even when I knew he couldn't see as the words escaped my lips.

"I'm in love you, Akashi-kun. I know I'm a mess but I'm still in love with you."

My heart was pounding so hard that I had to place a hand over my chest to make sure it doesn't jump out. My knees were shaking, and for some reason, tears were starting to pool from my eyes, funny because I didn't know why. Blinking a few times to prevent them from falling, I resumed.

"And I'm completely torn. I don't know what you're trying to do to me. You ignore me at times yet afterwards; you start acting as if everything's fine between us. You get my hopes up and lead me on, only to disregard it as if it's nothing. And the cycle goes on. You are the most confusing thing in my life and the weird part about it is that I'm still holding on.

But everybody has their limits. So here I am, risking my chances because I don't know what to do anymore. I'm stuck whether to move on or fight for you. So I need you to tell me, Akashi-kun..." I bit the inside of my lips as my voice seemed to crack.

"Tell me... do you still feel the same?" At the last question, I let my voice trailed off. My head hung low as my grip on his kimono tightened. To be true, all I wanted was for him to tell me something, anything that I can base my decision on. I didn't intended to ask that question, yet the words slipped out of my lips before I can prevent myself.

There was a pause, as if everything around us suddenly stopped moving. Only silence was present, and that silence that transpired the two of us slowly became toxic as seconds passed. It was suffocating, making knots in my stomach at each sickening moment. The following words that would leave his lips, given the current state of our relationship, could only either make me or break me.  

And it seemed to fall back to the latter one...

Akashi didn't move, nor did he attempt to face me, he simply took a deep breath before releasing it with a sigh along with the answers I asked for. "Your declaration of love amuses me. Though, you are well aware that I have a girlfriend, aren't you?" words that came out were sharp and firm, cold and almost deadpan.

I didn't want to cry but before I knew it, a drop of tear rolled down my cheek as his words sink in into the deepest part of me. It was followed by another drop, and another, until the tears seemed to fall without much effort anymore. I couldn't help but let out a soft laugh as it cut deep inside of me, to the point that I can almost feel it physically.

"Of course," I was able to utter weakly. His words burned into the back of my head. "Of course I know, everyone in the campus knows that". My heart clenched painfully as I stood there, "It wasn't like I wasn't expecting for this rejection anyway. It's just..." I felt a lump forming on my throat as I speak, making it hard for me to speak.

My next words came out broken, "There was still a small part of me that hoped there might be a chance, I guess hope really isn't enough," I tilted my head up to desperately avoid the tears to continue falling, but obviously, I failed.