Her Vocation

30. Kaffarah

"Are you okay? You don't look—" Without letting him finish, I turned my gaze back to the reports sprawled on the table infront of me.

"Ammar? I—I don't think Allah would ever forgive me—" I felt my voice quivering with emotions and had to tighten my grip on the side of the table to get a control over myself. For a long moment, neither of us said anything. It was complete silence in the after hours of the office. Finally, he broke the quiet; starting in his solemn voice.

"You know the hadith, right? 'Allah says that I am as My servant expects Me to be.' You have repented and changed your ways, Naveed. Not wanting to return to the sin is a sign that your repentance is accepted—and Allahu alam (Allah knows best) but you shouldn't give consequence to these thoughts. These are Shaitani waswasay (whispers of Shaitan). When Shaitan sees someone getting closer to Allah, he tries to dissuade him from Allah's mercy, by putting such thoughts in his mind. So that he returns to the path of evil." I heard him say over me, but didn't dare lift my head.

"You only need to focus on doing more and more good deeds. Surely good deeds wipe out evil deeds. That is a reminder for the mindful. (Quran 11:114) Just keep praying to Allah that He helps you remain steadfast on the straight path."

"But what if the people I've hurt dont forgive me—what then?" I felt my voice coming from somewhere afar. A moment passed but I didn't hear him say anything and just when I looked up, he begun slowly.

"No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah's decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from it you cannot flee. (Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab)" I continued to gawk him unblinking, as the tears pooling in my eyes began to stream down my cheeks. Unable to hold his unwavering gaze any longer, I turned my eyes downcast with a sharp gasp.

"You can only beg for their forgiveness, Naveed and offer the kaffara for your sins against the people you've hurt; which Allah knows that you have done. You can't change their hearts—but Allah can—He, alone is the turner of hearts and if Allah wanted to forsake you, He could have left you there under the heap of your car and let you die without ever giving you a chance to  repent to Him. So, don't think about anything else—okay? Allah loves us and that is enough a reason for us to be grateful for His blessings and expectant of His mercy, since Allah is the most Merciful and the most Beneficent." I looked up and found him watching me with a small smile.

Allah loves us.

His words kept ringing in my head for a long time afterwards. The One whom I had disobeyed the most was Allah—Yet, He was the only One who didn't forsake me. He didn't turn me away when I called on Him; begging for His help—

"I'll do everything—I'll become however you want me to be—!"

I had begged her; cried to her. Did everything to get her to love me—Yet, could only manage to sow more seeds of hatred in her heart for myself. If instead of changing for her, I had changed for Allah, then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here with a baggage of guilt. And maybe, He would've even turned her heart in love for me—but it's too late now. It's like he said, I couldn't afford to look back, anymore. There's a lot that I needed to do, still.

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"Assalamualaikum, Khaala." I knocked even though the door to her room was left open. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, her eyes fixated to the window in front of her.

At my voice, she turned in her place and stood up with a smile. I slowly closed the distance to her and lowered my head.

"I have been waiting for you, forever—" She murmured, taking my face in her hands and placing a kiss on my forehead.