The Sky is Everywhere

Chapter Twenty-One

"Well . . . Roan had the idea of approaching you because he thought you would be open to the idea of helping us. After he'd watched you hiding out here for a few days in a row, he guessed that you weren't happy in the CC and . . . might want something more," Rosie says in a small voice.

I feel like I've been doused in cold water.

The stars go out of my heart.

"I thought . . . I thought . . ." I trail off.

I'd thought that my first meeting with Roan had been a lucky accident, a coincidence. He'd just happened to arrive at the CC at the same time that I was in my secret spot – the right place at the right time.

But Rosie was saying . . .

"You targeted me," I say, my voice dull and heavy. "We didn't just happen to meet, did we? You targeted me so you could use me."

"It wasn't like that," he says.

"Okay, so what was it like?"

He says nothing.

"Because what it looks like is that you scoped out the CC, watched me for days before deciding I was the kind of person who could be persuaded to help you, and then approached me in a deliberately calculated move, while making it seem like it was just a coincidence that we both happened to be at the fence at the same time," I continue.

I feel cold inside, shaky and shivery, and like someone has just pulled the world out from under my feet, because this is everything I feared back when we first met, everything that I came to dismiss because I didn't think it could be true.

All Roan has to do is deny it.

But he doesn't.

My heart plunges into my stomach.

I feel like I've swallowed broken glass.

He can't deny it because it's true.

"So everything that you've ever done or said has just been an attempt to get close to me, to make me trust you so I'll help you," I say.

His head snaps up. "No. That is not true."

"You approached me because you wanted me to help you. But when we met, you pretended that you just wanted to know if I was okay, if the CC was treating Seconds fairly, but that wasn't true, was it?"

"I did want to know that you were okay –"

"But that's not why you approached me. Is it?"

He swallows hard, and a grim resignation settles over me.

The bird in my heart is very quiet, very still.

"No," he says at last, a whisper.

Rosie is looking at her boots.

"When we first met, you told me that you saw Seconds as people – that you saw me as a person. But you didn't. You saw me as something you could use, a means to an end."

"I . . ." He can't seem to find words.

So that's that.

Everything that he said to me when we first met was carefully designed to reel me in, to make me want to come back. Everything he has said to me since then was carefully designed to flatter me, to keep me close, to make sure that I won't lose interest.

I remember lying in bed, thinking that someone like Roan would never be interested in someone like me, and how far I've come since then, and it all feels so hollow now because it wasn't real. Those fears I had wrestled with? They were real.

I take a deep breath, tasting the air, and tilt my head back so I can see my sky. I want to fly away from all this, away from the awful feeling in my heart, the betrayal that cuts as deep as that knife cut into my face, but my wings are clipped.

I'm still in a cage.

My resolve hardens.

"I'm still going to help you," I say, and Rosie's head comes up. She still looks very awkward though.

I focus on Roan. "I am going to help you, but I no longer trust you. You used me. You made me feel . . ." I can't finish that without admitting what I feel for him, and there's no way I'm saying that now I know this has been nothing but a lie.

Very quietly, I say, "You didn't have to lie to me. You didn't have to play with my heart, telling me that I'm beautiful, that you care. I've always wanted to get out of this place, and I would still have helped you."

Roan starts to speak, but I can't listen to anything more. I can't hear any more words coming out of his beautiful mouth, not knowing if I can believe them or not.

My heart is tearing apart.

"I need to go," I say.

Rosie opens her mouth; shuts it again.

Roan's face is white.

I look at them both one more time, and then I turn, almost stumbling over my own feet.

I manage to get away from them before I start to cry.