Remember Me

14. Love Always

"We had our first fight." It's a simple enough fact, one that rolls off the tongue in a matter of seconds but somehow I know that this is what the entirety of my session will be centered around and I'm already regretting asking Maya to do this separately today.

"Tell me about it" Dr. Pierce says simply, black book and pen at the ready to dismantle my emotions and feelings. I gnaw on my bottom lip, thinking back on our trip to campus this past weekend and how perfect it had been up until that point and then how greatly it ended after we got home and talked. Did I really need to talk about this? We were fine. Better than fine. Yet, I had asked to have separate sessions for this exact topic of discussion.

I release a deep sigh, leaning back in my seat. "Maya expressed her thoughts regarding a certain way to jog her memory." I explain professionally. Dr. Pierce nods her head and jots down a note or two.

"Okay" she says pointedly, punctuating her word with the tip of her pen on the page. "Did you disapprove of this certain approach?"

"I think over her words carefully. Did I disapprove? I suppose I do otherwise I wouldn't have made such a big deal of it. I lay my palms out in front of me and begin tracing the lines. "I guess."

I hear her pen rather than see it. "Do you mind elaborating on her approach?"

I sigh, my finger pausing on my open palm. "She-." Another deep sigh. "She thought that sex was the answer" I explain, finally lifting my gaze to Dr. Pierce. She doesn't take more than a second to write in her little book before closing it, her thumb stuck inside to hold her place.

"And how did that make you feel?"

I shrug, returning to tracing the lines on my hand but maintaining intermittent eye contact with the woman across from me. "I mean, I got upset." I reply vaguely.

"Okay. But why? Do you not want to be intimate with your wife? It's been what? Almost two months?"

"Yea but-." I begin, abandoning my nervous tick and leaning back against the seat completely. "I didn't want it to be like that. I wanted her to want to be with me because-." I pause.

"Clearly she cares about you, no?"

"No, yea" I nod, clearing my throat. "But I guess I want more than that. I don't want to just do it for the sake of doing it. I want it to mean something." She remains silent allowing me another moment. I take a deep breath. "I need it to mean something." I admit.

"And you don't think it would mean anything to her now?"

"Of course it would" I argue. "But I-."

She raises an eyebrow. "You what?"

"I love her."

"And you don't think she loves you?" I shake my head and she offers me a soft smile. "Joshua," she leans forward, "it seems to me that this fight that you had wasn't because you didn't think she was right. I think a part of you believes that the intimacy that comes with sex may be a great way to unlock her mind a bit but, admittedly, you aren't as concerned with retrieving those memories as you may have been in the beginning."

"I never admitted that." I rebuttal.

"You didn't have to. The woman you're married to, even without the memories of your past, still holds your heart and the intimacy that you both crave, won't satisfy you until she's given hers back to you fully."

"What if she can't do that though?" I ask, voicing my biggest fear in all of this. It's been almost two months and I'm not saying that she has to love me yet, but it was growing increasingly difficult to say those three little words to her and get nothing in response.