Every December [Soon to be Self Published]

Chapter 26

Lydia

By New Year's Eve, my life is like I never left. The energy from the ER is an adrenaline shot I have missed and one I am relying on to push me through the day and crash at night.

I do my job, taking patient vital signs, stitching cuts, applying pressure to wounds, and anyone else who walks through our doors bleeding and barely breathing. The holidays bring in a few hair-raising situations like the teenager who tried to recreate the scene from Home Alone with Kevin sliding down the stairs on a sled. She'll be spending the new year with her right arm and leg broken.

I check my messages too frequently, telling myself A.J. will call. I try not to worry when he doesn't even text How are you? There's just nothing. In between applying the blood pressure cuffs and listening to lungs, an invisible layer of snow has covered my life and there's a quiet that wasn't here before. I had been happy in New Hampshire. I see that now. Or, maybe it's because A.J. suddenly acts like I don't exist or I just haven't gotten used to being back, but I've never been more unsure about anything. Like I've made the wrong choice in not demanding more...but if he hasn't even reached out?

The cast is a slight hindrance, but I make it work. I'm busy and that's a good thing. I'm getting ready for my break, heading to the break room. The patient family room has vending machines and a flat screen hanging on the wall and I stare.

"Unbelievable," McKenna says, joining me. She's Doctor McKenna Noble to everyone around here, but Ashley and I have known her since her championship days of playing flip cup in college. She nods at the screen. "Isn't that him? That's Austin."

It's him alright. A.J. is on the screen. First, highlights of a golf tournament. He's concentrating, about to take a shot. His beautiful brown eyes shielded by his hat. He gets the shot and makes the most subtle of fist clenches at his side. The crowd applauds, and, straight-faced, he shakes his competitor's hand. It must be an old clip because Hartley is suddenly next to him carrying his golf clubs, the two of them pausing to talk. He really does live in a whole other universe and yet, we had been in our own for a little while.

I should look away, but the magnitude of who he is on the greens as he walks away leaves me empty. I can't seem to move my feet. My heart shoots high and crashes low as the highlights, apparently from last summer when I had no idea he existed switches to today. He's already moved on with his life. Sitting in front of a Pro Swing background, A.J. is clean shaven and has that look in his eye that sparks warmth. Had I never known him, I wouldn't know the difference, but I'm staring at this man that I've been naked with for the past few weeks and I want to cry.

I take my phone out of my doctor coat. Still no text. I have already sent him three messages and called too many times. I can't stomach the idea of sending another and not hearing back.

Apparently, he was lying about all that talk of wanting to continue things. Here I had been like an idiot, eating it all up, thinking we could continue. I would have been realistic if he had been, but he's the one who kept whispering words about home and his heart while kissing me like no one's ever kissed me before and probably won't ever again.

Maybe he simply changed his mind. I changed mine after Garrett.

McKenna's smooth complexion looks perfect as ever, and her springy brown hair always makes her look twenty and fresh-faced. Her lips purse together. "You know, Ashley said the two of you acted more like husband and wife than a fling. Is that true?" One of the strands of gold garland falls from the wall and to the floor, diverting my attention and my answer.

I can't get into this at work. I won't be able to focus. "That's not true at all. I don't know what she saw." My voice betrays me and McKenna knows it. "She saw what she wanted to see." I give a final, annoyed glance at the television, and a last look at A.J.