Just Too Sick To Function

17

For years?

She gave it to me, "years?", I asked

"It's from your dad", she explained, "he saw how good you are in art", she continued

I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude, I never knew my dad can think of this idea

"Ba't ngayon niyo lang naibigay sa'kin, at bakit hindi niya naibigay sa'kin noong buhay pa siya?", I asked in curiousity

"He didn't had the time, he said he was sorry. Sorry din kasi ngayon ko lang naibigay sayo, just wanted to find the right time", she said

"How is this the right time mom?", I laughed a little

I turned away to find a cutter

"Ngayon na accept mo na", she replied

I turned to her, looked at her at an awful way, "what does that suppose to mean?"

"I---"

I'm super sure she knows how sensitive I am to this topic

"You what?", I asked, "what made you think na okay na sa'kin ma? Na accept ko na na wala na si daddy? It's still so hard", I continued

She's just quiet, I don't know if alam ba niyang may nagawa siyang mali or wala

Tiningnan ko ang regalo, "and the fact na namatay siya sa sakit na'to always gives me anxiety dahil alam kong ako na ang susunod", and I looked at her again, teary eyes, "kaya nga siguro hindi ko pa fully accept na may sa'kit ako dahil hindi ko parin pala accept na patay na si daddy", cracked voice

"I'm sorry, I think it's not the right time to say this to you", she was about to leave the room

"Say what ma?", begging for an answer

"Emma darling", she looked at me

I scanned her, I scanned her really well, "you're---", I paused, "you're seeing someone else, aren't you?"

She understands how I feel about this , she knows how I don't like this kind of things

Her face changed, she's quiet and distant from me

"May iba ka na ma?", I asked

"I was about to tell you"

"Ahhh kaya pala busy ka, kaya pala hindi ka palaging nandoon sa hospital, kaya pala wala ka don kahit weekends kasi may iba ka na?"

"Emma, may work ako!"

"Ma!", tinaasan ko siya ng boses habang tumutulo yung luha ko, "I'm a sick a girl and I'm your daughter, how the hell could you do this to me? How the hell could you find time to do that habang nandito ako," I paused, "na may sakit, na mamamatay na ma?"

I looked away

"Hindi ako focus sa pagkakaroon ng ganon nak, ikaw yung priority ko. Busy ako dahil may work ako and I know you know that very well. Tsaka, ano bang mali? Hindi ba ako pwede sa mga ganyan anak?"

"Hindi, hindi pa!", I looked at her again, may luha ng tumutulo, "I can't believe na okay na pala sayo ma---"

She cut me off

"Anong okay? Sinong nag sabi sayong okay na ako sa pagkawala ng papa ---"

"Wala ma, walang nag sabi, ikaw na ang nagpapakita sa'kin, may iba kana o!", I paused, "and I don't know how you gathered the courage to tell me this and to give me this", tiningnan ko na naman ang regalo