Warning: This chapter includes topics such as self-harm and semi-suicidal thoughts. Please keep this in mind while reading and make sure you have someone to talk to if these things could trigger you. You have been warned.
"Wait, really?!" Eric exclaimed.
"Yes, we'll be-" Coran started but was interrupted.
"Oh my gosh! Our first mission!" Shiko yells, pumping her fist into the air.
"Yes, and-"
"What's the mission about?" Pepper asked excitedly.
Coran gives a soft smile, happy that they're so excited. "If you'll let me finish," he says, eyeing Eric, Shiko, and Pepper, "it is a mission from the Blade of Marmora. We'll be heading to Dibazal to help them with something."
Eldan stopped, eyes wide. He hadn't heard that name, that planet, in a long time. Not since his fathers' stories. Maximum looked over, "Babe, are you ok?" he asked with worry in his eyes.
Eldan remained still, he was frozen in place, unable to move. I can't go to Dibazal. Krolia is there and she's always saying how much I'm like my parents. I haven't even talked to her since they disappeared. What's she going to say about it?
"Hey, Eldan," Maximum says, shaking Eldan by the shoulders, "talk to me. What's wrong?" Still Eldan doesn't move, a few tears slide down his face but he barely notices. Because Shiko, Eric, Pepper, and Coran are still talking about the mission they don't realize what's happening a few yards away.
"Eldan! Say something! What's wrong?! You're scaring me!" Now Maximum shakes Eldans shoulders with little restraint. Finally something sparks and Eldan looked toward Max with a look of terror mixed with worry.
"What's wrong?" Max asked.
"It's..." he hesitated. Max was able to confide in me, I should be able to confide in him too. Right? "It's just, well. Dibazal. My grandmother, Krolia, is there. What's she going to say about my being a paladin? I-Is she going to blame me for my dads' disappearance?"
"Eldan. About being a paladin, I think she's going to praise you. Your dads' disappearance is not your fault. I don't know her, but I don't think she would blame you for something that you couldn't have done. We were all so young when it happened. None of us could have done that."
This reassured Eldan a little, but he was still nervous about going to Dibazal. By now, Pepper, Shiko, and Eric had finished discussing the mission and were confused as they turned around and saw tears in Eldan's eyes and Maximum trying to comfort him. Shiko, being the space mom the others claimed her to be, rushed to Eldan's side and asked what was wrong. She then pulled out a tissue and handed it to Eldan.
"It's nothing, don't worry." Eldan said, blowing his nose. "I'm okay."
"Okay, I'm not going to nudge you any further. But, I just want you all to know, you can talk to me if there's a problem or if something's bothering you. I want to be able to help. That's what a good leader does," she stopped and looked at each of them in turn, she looked around at each of them,"that's what my father Shiro told me."
Coran smiled. Never before had he seen Shiro do this. Yet again, Shiko wasn't Shiro, Coran still has a few things to learn about this team. He had a lot to learn.
The paladins would be heading to Dibazal in two days, giving them time to prepare themselves and pack. Eldan didn't tell anyone else why he had cried, not even Pepper, and asked Max not to tell anyone, saying he didn't want to bother them with his stupid problems. When Maximum tried to let Eldan know that his problems weren't stupid he brushed it off, insisting that he was only joking, but Max saw through the mask he was trying to put on.
"Hey, Eldan." Maximum said, catching up to Eldan as training ended the next day.
"Hey, Max." Eldan said, giving his best attempt at a smile.
It broke Max's heart that Eldan was trying to hide how he felt, trying to act like he was okay when he was far from it. Maximum grabbed Eldan's hips and swung him over his shoulder. He ran off, Eldan over his shoulder, down the hall. Shiko, Eric, and Pepper watched them as they passed, hearing Eldan shouting questions but not exactly resisting.
"Max, where are we going?" Eldan asked as Max finally started to slow.
"Just somewhere private." Max responded, looking around. He spotted a door he knew lead to a small room and walked towards it, still holding Eldan.
As soon as Max knew that they were alone he put Eldan down. Eldan's face was a mixture of surprise and curiosity. He was a little annoyed but he was sure that Maximum would have a good reason for this. But before he could say a word Max kissed him, which threw off his train of thought. He instantly melted and smiled into the kiss. As he did, Max pulled away.
Their foreheads connected, Max quietly said, "There. I got you to smile."
Eldan's smile faltered for half a tick before he quickly tried to hide it. "What are you talking about?" He asked with fake curiosity.
"Eldan. I know that you're not exactly excited about going to Dibazal and seeing Krolia. I know that you're trying to cover up your feelings but I can still see some of them. You don't have to hide it from me. It's okay to not be okay. And I know that you're not okay."
Without missing a beat Eldan quietly adds a quick little "I promise," to the end of Max's speech. This does it and suddenly Eldan is sobbing into Max's chest while Max just holds him, rubbing his back softly and quietly telling him to just let it out. After a little while Eldan tries to speak but the words come out muffled and breathless because of the crying. As he tries to speak again the same thing happens except this time he feels like he's running out of air. He tries to breathe but it seems like he can't get any air. After a moment of this Max finally realizes what's happening and bends down so he's face to face with Eldan, his hands on his shoulders.
"Eld, just try and take slow, deep breaths. It's okay. It's going to be alright."
Eldan tries to slow down his breathing but it doesn't seem to help. Suddenly it's like he can feel his heart beating against his rib cage, like it's trying to escape. His chest is on fire, the pain almost unbearable. He looks around suddenly, feeling nervous. The edges of his vision are slowly becoming darker. He can hear Max's voice but it sounds muffled and he's only able to hear some of it. Without warning a voice, the voice seems to switch on in his head. It whispers things to him, things that seem so clear, as if the voice belongs to someone who is standing right beside him. But he knows that this is not the case, because he has heard this voice before.
"Maybe if you had disappeared instead of your parents things would be better. Better for everyone. Maximum included. You just add extra worry to his life. Do you really think he likes you that much?" The voice snarls.
Yes, Eldan thinks, trying to get rid of it before it gets worse. He does. And he cares about me.
"But does he really? I mean, after this do you really think he'll still want to date you?
He hears Max's voice again, still muffled but it sounds like he's yelling. Eldan can feel himself moving but his feet are still. Maximum is carrying him again.
Y-Yes, he does care about me. Eldan thinks.
"But what does he think of you now? And what will the others think? I mean, paladins of Voltron are supposed to be brave. And we both know that you aren't. So why are you even a paladin?"
"Shut up," Eldan says aloud. It's barely audible but Maximum hears it because he's still carrying Eldan bridal style. Eldan's eyes are now shut but his face twists in anger. Maximum begins yelling again, trying to alert the others, trying to get help. But little does he know that there is a voice speaking to Eldan.
"You should never have agreed to being a paladin. You'll just mess it up like you do with everything."
"Shut up." Eldan says again, this time louder. Max is still running but by now the others have heard him. They rush to meet him, asking what's wrong and why he's yelling. Then they see him holding Eldan, whose eyes are still mostly shut, but tears still stream out. His face is contorted and he has his hands over his ears, as if this will somehow make the voice in his head quieter.
"You know it's true. They all know it's true. I mean, they probably think you're just like your birth parents. And you know what I think? I think they're right."
"Shut up!" Eldan was now yelling, fighting the voice with his own but he doesn't know how much longer he can take this. Fuzzy images of the team around him flash in front of his eyes, but he can't move, he can't talk to them now. It takes enough of his energy just to keep the voice from making him do something he doesn't want to. It had gotten like that before, but he thought that he might be able to keep it from everyone. He didn't want them to see this side of him, the part of him he wished would go away. He really wished that this voice would go away but he didn't know how to stop it.
"What happened?" Shiko asks seriously.
"I don't know. He was having trouble breathing, then he stopped responding, then he wouldn't move and when I was coming to get you guys he started to say shut up, but I could tell it wasn't directed at me. What's wrong with him?" Maximum asks frantically, looking at the others for guidance. "Help him! Do something!"
They all look to Coran, him being the adult of the group and their space uncle, who looked like he'd seen something like this before and was not happy to be seeing it again.
"You said he was having trouble breathing?" Coran tries to ask calmly.
"Y-Yes." Maximum stutters out.
"And did he look nervous? Panicked even?"
"Yeah." Max says, still unsure where Coran was going with.
Coran took a deep breath and placed a comforting hand on Max's shoulder. "I believe Eldan is having a panic attack."
Maximum's eyes went wide. He had heard of panic attacks before, though he had never seen someone have one, but he knew that they weren't good. He looked at Coran, trying to put on a brave face. "How do we stop it?"
Eldan felt like he was going to pass out. This was too much for him to handle. He couldn't do it. Already most of his energy was drained.
"Why don't you just give up? You know you want to."
"Stop." Eldan says aloud softly.
"There are ways to ease this pain. You could just-"
"No."
"-cut-"
"No!"
"-yourself."
"NO!"
"Just like you used to! Wouldn't that be wonderful? It was so much easier that way. Don't you remember?"
"Stop it, please," Eldan says, pleading now. "Just stop." He doesn't want to do that but if the voice does overpower him he doesn't think he will be able to stop it.
"What, you think you have a choice? I control you. You do what I say."
And then the faces he sees aren't fuzzy anymore, because they're gone. Everything goes black.
Eldan is now physically shaking, but it's just barely visible. He passed out not five minutes ago. The team looks at him through the glass of the Altean healing pod. Maximum is fiddling with his fingers, sometimes biting his nails. The rest of the team is just as worried but it doesn't seem to show quite as much as it does with Maximum. The others try to comfort him, knowing just how much he must be worrying.
"How long do you think he'll be there?" Max asked Coran, the anxiety plain on his face for anyone to see.
"I'm not sure. From what I saw and based on what you said he could be in there quite a while, but there's a chance he could be out before that." Under his breath so that none of the paladins could hear him he added, "And if he's anything like his father it'll be sooner rather than later." Coran recalled something similar happening to Keith years ago. The team had been under lots of pressure and Keith had just recently found out about his mother. At the time it had been a small panic attack, unlike Eldan's, and Lance had been able to help him before it got so bad that he'd need the healing pod. But there were other times when it had been much worse. Coran also had some knowledge about Eldan's mental health history. Enough to know that this wasn't Eldan's first panic attack and that he would need to watch Eldan more closely to make sure nothing that had happened before would happen again.
Eldan's eyes suddenly flicker, showing the littlest signs of life. For a few ticks he's still again but then his eyes burst open and he takes a few gasping breaths of air. The glass that's sealing him in, moves and as he's about to fall but Max and Pepper catch him, Shiko and Eric helping as soon as they see he's out. Coran removes the healing pod and opens the door to the lounge, inviting them to sit. He knows that the others are about to ask Eldan many questions about what just happened but before they can he speaks up.
"Eldan, before you talk to the team I'd like to speak with you alone." Coran says, his voice is quiet and caring.
Eldan nods and follows Coran to the kitchen, where they sit across from each other at the table. As soon as they're seated Eldan breaks into tears, unable to hold it in any longer. Coran moves to sit next to him and comforts him the way an uncle would comfort his nephew.
When Eldan calms down some, he tries to speak. As much as he tries to stop it, his voice comes out stained and breathless.
"I didn't want them to see. I thought I could keep it from them, just like on Earth." He pauses and looks down at his hands, which sit in his lap, shaking slightly. "But I couldn't. And now they know."
"I know that you think it's bad that they know, but this could be a good thing. Maybe they can help you work through it. They're your friends, they want to help."
"I-I guess." But in his mind he didn't really believe it.
"Now, there is something that I did want to ask you about and I figured you would want to talk about it privately." Coran hesitates but takes a breath of air and continues. "Are you considering harming yourself again?"
Eldan opens his mouth to say something but the words seem to be stuck in his throat. He closes his mouth and looks up, meeting Coran's eyes. With silent tears streaming down his face and his eyes looking woeful he slowly nods. Coran pulls him into a hug and the two sit for a while before Coran tells Eldan that he should probably go talk to the team as they are curious about what happened and worried about him.
Eldan takes a moment to try and compose himself but the tears don't seem to want to stop so he walks down the hall and opens the door to the lounge. As soon as the door opens the team's eyes shoot to Eldan, who isn't looking at them but at the floor. He walks over to the couch and sits next to Maximum, everyone still silent.
Finally Eric looks at Eldan and tries to say something, "So, what happened?"
Eldan takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out, though it doesn't seem to help him because when he speaks his voice is still shaking. "I had a panic attack. And I'm sorry that you guys had to see that."
"What? No. Eldan, don't apologize." Pepper says, the concern in his voice is obvious.
"Yeah, this isn't something that you have to be sorry about." Maximum says putting an arm around Eldan.
"Well I am. You guys shouldn't have to worry about me, you have your own stuff to deal with, you shouldn't have to deal with mine too."
After a slight pause, Shiko speaks up. "Can I ask what it was about?"
"I got overwhelmed with everything going on. Dibazal and the thought of seeing Krolia. And then the rational thoughts became irrational." He finally looks up at them, finding their faces to be a mix of curiosity and worry. "When it gets like this, like it has before, I start to hear this... voice."
"Is that why you were saying shut up?" Max asks softly.
"Y-Yeah. I thought maybe that would make it go away."
"Did it work?" Eric asks.
"No. I couldn't stop it. And that's part of the reason I passed out. It takes so much energy just to stop the voice from making me... do things that I don't want to do."
"Like?" Pepper asks.
"I-It doesn't matter." Eldan says, waving it off.
"Are you sure?" Max asks.
Eldan nods, trying to smile.
"Well, are you okay now?" Shiko wasn't sure what his answer would be as she sometimes found it difficult to understand others' feelings.
"I'm fine."
"But, you don't look fine." Eric says softly.
With his voice shaking and his lip quivering Eldan replies, "Then stop looking." He gets to his feet and walks out the door to his room.
The rest of the team sits in silence for a few ticks before Coran enters the room. As soon as he sees that Eldan isn't there he begins to get nervous.
"Where is Eldan?" He asks the team, trying to keep the worry out of his voice.
The team looked around in confusion then Shiko answered, telling him that Eldan most likely went to his room and just needed some space. They all become even more confused by the look of horror on his face.
"No no no no no no no," Coran begins mumbling as he starts to speed walk down the hall towards Eldan's room.
The team began to follow him, still unsure of what's happening. Maximum had started to get a bad feeling, he wanted to find Eldan as fast as he could. Coran approaches the door to Eldan's room and knocks loudly for a few seconds, then stops and asks Eldan to come out. There's a slightly muffled sound and Coran shushes the team, despite the fact that no one is speaking or making a sound.
"Eldan, please come out. You don't have to do it, just come out and talk to me." Coran says softly.
Tearily and almost breathless, Eldan replies, "Go a-a-away. Just stop w-worrying about me and go away. Please."
"Eldan, I can't do that. As your guardian, I need to make sure that you're safe. And as your friend, I need to make sure you're okay."
By now the team is still confused but they have started to make some assumptions as to what's going on. Coran begins trying to get into Eldan's room but it's locked. He repeatedly slammed against the door with full force before turning to the team and asking for help. Shiko tries to use her sword as a lever to push the door open and Pepper continues to try with the lock. Meanwhile Eric tries to comfort Max as it's obvious he's incredibly worried. Finally the door bursts open to reveal a messy room. Coran marches through the door to the bathroom inside the room. The team follows, unsure of what they'll find. What they find shocks them so much they don't move for a few ticks.
Eldan is sitting on the floor of the bathroom, a puddle of blood surrounding him. The red liquid covers his wrists and hands, which encase his head, blocking his face from view. His shoulders shake and his voice quavers as he says,
"Please. G-Go away. I don't want you to see me l-like this."
Before Eldan is even finished Coran is beside him, pulling him up and hugging him. The others, not knowing what else to do, join them, their arms tangling around one another. The only sounds come from the shuffling of their feet and Eldan's sobs.
Eventually Coran leads Eldan out the door, Maximum right by his side. Shiko, Eric and Pepper stand in the bathroom, taking in the scene. Pepper leaves for a few ticks but returns with buckets, rags, gloves and soapy water. Wordlessly, they begin to clean. After what seems like hours of cleaning in silence Pepper finally says something. He's leaning over the sink, looking at the razor blade sitting beside the bowl.
"I should've known. He's my best friend and I should've known. When we were kids he was always at the nurses office and he'd randomly have to leave class. Why didn't I ask?" The last part is mostly directed at himself though he says it aloud. Shiko and Eric look at Pepper with caring looks and go to hug him.
"No one knows everything about someone. Best friend or not. We all wish he'd have told us so we could've helped. But that doesn't matter now. What does is that we're going to help him." Shiko says, placing a hand on Pepper's shoulder.
"None of this is anyone's fault, sometimes things just happen for reasons no one can really explain. Don't beat yourself up about it." Eric says, placing a hand on his other shoulder.
The three hug then continue to clean. It doesn't take much time but the silence makes it seem longer than it really is.
Meanwhile, Maximum and Coran are back to their worrying. After carrying Eldan through the halls and back to the area where the healing pods are Maximum immediately sat the still crying Eldan on a table in the middle of the room where Coran began to clean his wounds. The few times Max was actually sitting with Eldan and not fetching bandages or something for Coran, Eldan tried to apologize to him but Max took his face in his hands and said,
"Eldan, do you remember what I said to you back there after training?"
"K-Kinda."
"Well I was trying to tell you that it's okay to not be okay. And I know you are not okay." Before Eldan could add an "I promise" to that Max covered his mouth with one hand and continued to speak. "I wish you would've talked to me before but I somewhat understand why you didn't. And you don't have to talk to me about it. But I encourage you to talk to someone. Just promise me one thing at least." At this Eldan nods, understanding how serious his boyfriend is about this promise, whatever it may be. "Promise me you won't harm yourself anymore. And if you start to think about it you come to me."
Eldan hesitates, but only because he's so surprised that Max cares so much that he knows he would keep this promise to him. All because Max cares enough that he doesn't want Eldan to hurt himself. "I p-promise."
Coran, now bandaging Eldan's arms, smiles but continues his work as if he hasn't heard. He can clearly recall a certain couple making the same promise to each other in this very room. It was almost unsettling how alike Lance and Keith's relationship was to Maximum and Eldan's but also sweet in its own way.
"There." Coran said, stepping back as he had finally finished. "You're all bandaged up but come tell me if they get too tight or lose. We'll need to change them everyday or every other day. I recommend that you get some rest. Maximum."
"Right." He says and slides off the table before turning around and just about lifting Eldan off the table as well. When they reach Eldan's door they hear voices from within, telling them Shiko, Pepper and Eric must be in there. "How about we go to my room?"
Eldan nods, grateful that he won't have to face the rest of the team just yet. He and Max sit on the bed in silence for a little before Eldan says something.
"Thank you. For everything. You did all you could to try and help and I'm really grateful that you aren't weirded out by it. I know some people are."
"Of course I wanted to help. You're my boyfriend and I care about you a lot. I love you, Eldan."
Eldan let out the tiniest of gasps before looking up at Maximum. Eldan couldn't speak for the next few moments. But not because he was hesitant about what to say. He knew he loved Max. But he was honestly shocked that Max also felt that way. He knew Max liked him, obviously, but he didn't realize he loved him. He finally found his voice and said, "I love you too," as he hugged Maximum, standing on his tiptoes to successfully do so.
Chapter 6 is like halfway done and I don't have an updating schedule at the moment so not sure when that'll be up. See ya imaginary reader. Later dude
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Voltron: The Third Generation
Fan fikcia⚠️Discontinued for now, I don't know when or if I'll continue this yet.⚠️ ‼️Warning‼️ This story includes things such as self harm and talks about depression and other sensitive topics that could be triggering to some readers. You've been warned. S...
