The Fish Song

July 10th

     "I'm sorry."

     "For what?" We began walking out the exit and back to the bus.

     "For so much, but at this moment because I left tear stains on your shirt," I said, opening the bus door. George grabbed it out of my hands holding it open for me.

     "You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing. And this will dry. Who cares. You go get your stuff. I will go grab the car and meet you back out here. You okay to do it alone?" As much as I was afraid of another breakdown if I was left alone, I knew I needed to do this by myself.

      "Yes."

     "Okay. I'll be right back." George closed the door behind me as I stepped onto the bus. A rush of memories, of what had happened on this bus and the other one, hit me. So many happy things. So many sad things. All in less than a week. The tears began again but I pushed through, heading to the back to grab my stuff. I quickly threw all of my clothes into my bag. All except Harry's sweatshirt. As much as I wanted to take it, to be able to smell him whenever I was feeling sad, just to have a piece of him with me, I knew I couldn't. It was selfish. I had to leave all of this in the past. Give everyone a clean break. I placed the sweatshirt on the bed. I grabbed my bag and my monkey, and headed back to the front of the bus. I got to the kitchen and began looking through the drawers. There had to be some paper and a pen somewhere in here. Pulling open the last drawer I was finally successful. I pulled out the pad of paper and a pen. My hand shaking I scribbled a note. I need to try and explain myself a little to Harry. I loved him. So much. I wanted to hurt myself more than me leaving was going to hurt him. He needed to know why. I owed him at least that.

***

     We pulled up to the airport and George got out right away. We didn't talk the whole way, but the silence was comfortable. I could tell George knew I didn't know what to say. I pulled my door open and met George at the back of the car, my bag in his hand. He placed it on the ground and wrapped his arms around me as I wrapped mine around him.

     "Thank you for everything George. You deserve the world, I will always know that. Tell Emily thank you for sacrificing her husband and for everything." George chuckled.

     "I think she is glad to get rid of me most of the time. And she loved meeting you. She has told me every night during our nightly chat, since you met, that you are truly a sunflower." The words Emily said to me replayed in my head. 'Sometimes the smallest light shines so bright.' I didn't feel like a sunflower but it was definitely something I wanted to be. I smiled up at George.

     "Tell her I said thank you. And don't tell Harry you drove me or that you know anything about this. I don't want him to be upset at you or anything." George just shook his head, releasing me and handing me my bag.

     "Don't worry about me. Just keep your head up kiddo," George said, bending down and placing a kiss on my cheek, "And I'm only a phone call away."

***

     I woke up back in the place I was originally running from. I wanted to go back to sleep. I wanted to go back to the most beautiful dream I ever had. I wanted to be back in Harry's arms. I wanted to hear his voice and his laugh again. I wanted to hear him telling me I was beautiful. I wanted to feel his lips on mine. July tenth was the day my life stopped. I would be frozen on that day for the rest of my life. I knew I would never recover from walking away but it would be better for Harry in the long run.

     The tears began to fall again, right when I thought they had all ran out. I removed the monkey from my arms and slowly got up, twirling the peace ring on my thumb. When I got home last night I couldn't bring myself to do anything but throw myself onto the bed, squeeze Seagull, and cry until I fell asleep. I moved to my closest, grabbing my old guitar, I hadn't picked up in months. I moved back to my bed and pulled out my journal and began to write.  It was hard to get everything out that I wanted to say but I quickly recorded it, posting it for the world to see who I truly was.   

I know you said that you'd be there
Can't shake this feeling, I am so scared
Thank you for being so kind, and giving me a taste of home
I just need to speak my mind, darling you'll be better off alone

So don't follow me, don't take my hand
I'm still not ready, to let you in
I'll take the blame, I'm who it belongs to
Don't feed the flame, try to see it from my point of view

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do
There are so many things I wished I could tell you
I won't forget these past few weeks, honestly I've never felt so whole
Thank you for being there for me, I hope you don't feel this aching hole

Please don't follow me, don't take my hand
I'm still not ready, to let you in
I am to blame, so don't say it was you
I'm so glad I came, but leaving's what I need to do

Leaving's what I need to do
I could say the same for you
But please understand
I've never loved any man as I've come to love you

Don't follow me, or take my hand
Will I ever really, learn to let you in
Please blame me, I'm who it belongs to
Please try and see, see this from my point of view