I haven't thought about it yet

.Coming Out.

edit:    Stuff changes all the time so I have removed the labels I identified with because i don't want to create confusion. just ask me if it's really something you wanna know.

perhaps a few of you have already read this on my profile. but i am not sure 'cause there's no feature that lets you know that. So if you have skip to the end. if you haven't, well go on ahead.

 So last night, mom read about the backlash J.K.Rowling has been recieving and it sparked a conversation about the trans and the whole LGBTQ+ community in general.

 At first, I was glad (somewhat) that I could finally talk about it, tell them about it, know their views, maybe make them more understanding. etc. 

But fuck it all, i can't change what someone thinks can i? 

 One, they didn't even know about it (and they already had made judgments on LGBTQ+ people) So, i told them about trans people. My dad wasn't speaking much (he did speak, we'll come to that later) and my mum . . . well she invalidated them. Her words were -- "I understand that some people aren't 'born' a specific gender, they either have no genitals or they aren't specific and I GET them when they undergo surgery. But when the ones who are 'born' female or male, have fully functioning bodies of their respective gender change their gender, inject hormones and stuff, I think that it's a mental disorder." And she repeated this phrase several times during the conversation. She thinks it's all in the head (well of course it in the head, the body and mind isn't the same. but that doesn't mean that it's any less valid). For her it's all a mental problem. 

I tried to make her understand, i really did. But then I stopped because if she has decided to be so ununderstanding, i really can't do anything. 

 And now i am mad at myself 'cause everything ends like that. They don't understand and i stop explaining after some time because i am a coward who can only talk to people when it's through a FUCKING SCREEn

 I'm sorry for being rude. you are the best people i know (if i do know you)

 
So, that was that.

 My mom also said that if this is valid then rape, racism and sexist should be too. I have yet to understand what she means by that. 

 I think the main problem was that they can't accept them as normal. They think they are a mistake. For them it's either male, female and those that are born without specific sexual organs. 

 When we talked about bisexuals, gays and lesbians they said that they think that male and females were made for reproducing (and some of them turn out as defective pieces(yes that's what they said about people born wrong, defective pieces)) and that's what's natural and anything pairing that can't reproduce, isn't meant to be. 

 
Oh yes i did talk about how love doesn't care about gender and mom said that if boys loving boys is valid, then why care about age then. Rapists must be valid too. Teachers molesting students is valid too. after all, love isn't a choice. I don't have a powerful enough word to express my anger at this point.

What my dad was saying over and over was that the brain starts to believe what you feed it. He thinks that it's the fault of all the openess on this topic that is making more people like 'that'. (yes, they said it like that.) They think that it just a trend in the youth. a fucking TREND

And then mom said,"Think about the children" I was boiling at this point so i shot back. "WHAT about the children?!". 

She was like, think about the twisted environment they wil grow up in and how confused about the world they would be and shit like that and i said that i thought that people who grew up like this would grow up to be better understanding and open-minded individuals in my opinion. She lost it and started to scream and all. I just couldn't take it. I shut my mouth after that.

And what's more tormenting is that on one hand they were being really _____phobic and ignorant and insensitive and on the other hand they were like, "but anyway, tell us if you are like 'them' or have 'that' mindset so that we know. maybe WE would be wrong and need counselling(they didn't mean it at all, i know), but better you tell us than we know from somebody else. 

 
I can't believe it, i always thought that they would be open and understanding (like they ARE on many topics) but It really hurts me. They were almost implying that it's better if i come out and at the same time showing me how unsupportive they're gonna be if i DO come out. 

I feel sad, because i thought that this time i was gonna make them understand and maybe i'd come out too. i've always thought that IF i were to come out, it'd be to them before ANYONE else. 

AND HERE I AM, fucking realising that i just came out to you all. 

 FML 

 i'm sorry if this wasted your time. i first put this up on my profile but then i decided that i should leave it here also. Tho i had decided against it. I didn't want to attract to much attention but i am fucking DONE with suppressing myself and only really talking my mind when i am alone with the goddamned ceiling.

So YES.

 I want you all to read this because it IS me coming out.

(read edit at top)

I am still questioning stuff about me but that does not mean that what I am at present isn't VALID.

And maybe i am overeacting (and just saying this in the heat of the moment)but i really want to just turn eighteen and dissappear the hell out of my parents lives.