Red

50

Van lifts me up with him and sets me down on my feet. "All set?" He asks.

"Can I change into shorts?" I ask hesitantly. Last time I was wearing shorts, Van didn't like it at all.

"Yeah, go ahead, love. You tell me when I can turn around," he says, patting my back, directing me toward my stuff, and then turning around.

Not wanting to waste any more of Van's time, I grab the first pair of shorts I can find, which were black gym shorts, and put them on. I kept a close eye on Van, wanting to make sure he wouldn't turn around. I knew he wouldn't, but the thought was still lingering at the back of my mind.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wouldn't even care if Van turned around. I've been so vulnerable around Van, him seeing me without clothes on didn't even seem like that big of a deal. Part of me wanted him to look at me, and I don't understand why.

"I'm done," I say once my shorts were on.

And when Van turns around, his eyes travel straight to my bare legs. "How's your cut doing?" He asks. "I know it's been a while since I've checked on it. It should be mostly healed by now, hm?"

I turn my leg out so he could see. "It's almost gone," I say, sounding proud, despite there being nothing to be proud about having a healed cut.

Van smiles. I'm not sure if it was at my enthusiasm or if he thought I was being ridiculous. "I see," he says. He squats down and looks at my leg more closely, his fingers moving up and down right next to the cut, a gentle touch that gave me goose bumps I was certain her could see. "Right, you just be careful for me. I don't like seeing you hurt."

He stands back up and holds my hand. "I will," I say as he leads me outside.

"Good girl," he says and makes way for me to walk down the stair of the plane first before coming down himself.

I look around for Sam and Bondy but can't find them anywhere. I frown and look up at Van. "There they are, sweetie," he says with a chuckle. He points down by the water and rests his hand on my back.

I lean into his side and play with my fingers. "Oh," I say quietly, my cheeks rosy.

Van doesn't seem to notice my embarrassment, though. Either that or he didn't care. "C'mon, let's head over," he says, keeping his hand on me as we walk to Bondy and Sam.

"There they are!" Bondy says. "Getting worried, weren't we, Sam?" He flings his arm around Sam's shoulder and smiles.

I liked Bondy, how he never took things too seriously, how he could put anyone in a better mood. Sometimes I wish I could be a little more like him, a little more carefree. But I can't, not with my anxiety.

"Right, we were. About to start a search party for you two," Sam says, giving me a warm smile which I return.

Van laughs and gently pushes me toward Sam. "Hey, we weren't gone that long," he says. "Anyway, Tris and I talked about it, and we think it would be best for you both to stay close by tonight."

I look up at Sam, wanting to see his reaction, wanting to see if he would think of me as lame for not feeling comfortable going farther away, even though I was. But Van didn't phrase it like that, and I didn't have the guts to correct him.

"Oh, yeah. That sounds good," he says. "Probably the smart thing to do." He wraps his arm around me and I lean into his side without thinking too much about it until I saw the look in Van's eyes.

All I could see was frustration, anger, and annoyance. And was doing well at covering it up. I think I was the only one who noticed.

Van wasn't initially looking at me, though. Those emotions weren't meant for me. They were meant for Sam, they were meant for Sam when he was with me. He focused on Sam for a minute, his eyes trailing from his face to his arm which was still draped around me.

And then he finally looks at me, his lips thin, his skin just a little paler than normal, and he nods his head. "Go off, then," he says, gesturing with his hand. "Go have fun." He smiles at me and Sam.

It scared me how easily he could change his mood, or hide his mood. I know this isn't what he wanted to happen, I know me not being with him would eat away at him all night. But he was so convincing, I could almost believe he wanted me to be alone with Sam.

So when Sam and I turn away, I didn't feel relived, I didn't feel happy to finally get what I wanted.  Because, now, I don't know if this is what I wanted.

Now, there was a pit at the bottom of my stomach that made me feel uneasy, made me think of the moments where Van was holding me just like how Sam was right now. And I realized how much more I liked having Van's arm wrapped around me. I realized that as much as Van could annoy me, I wouldn't be able to ever trust someone like I do with him. I wouldn't be able to feel as safe as I do with him when I'm with Sam.

But I couldn't turn back now. Not when I spent my whole day arguing with Van to let me spend time with Sam. I couldn't do that to Sam, and I couldn't do that to myself either. I couldn't let whatever this feeling for Van was interrupt rare moments like these, moments where I could at least pretend to be normal for a while.

Because the moment I go crawling back to Van, he would have that stupid smirk on his face that would make me feel weak again. And maybe I was weak, maybe Van already knew I was weak, but I didn't want to prove to myself that I was weak by depending on him again.

I didn't want Van to have the satisfaction of knowing he's right, like he always is, and I knew the chances of him letting me spend time with Sam after tonight we're nonexistent, so I had to do this.

I had to do it for myself. I had to show myself that Van wasn't the center of my life, that he wasn't the only person I thought of anymore, that he wasn't the only one I could depend on.

But deep down, I knew that he was. I knew that Van was all of those things.

Van is everything.

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Wow, sorry for this really shitty chapter. I've been working almost every day so I didn't have much time to write, but I wanted to put something up. I should hopefully be able to update better chapters more often in a few days. ❤️❤️